Hello my Beloved Friends,
It has been awhile since I've written anything. So I'm a little unsure what to say. The past three months have felt so short but also like it's been a year. I did find an apartment after what seems like months of searching. I moved in, in July. I like this place but it feels weird to live alone again. I honestly really miss living with my best friend. But I suppose we all have to grow up and move on at some point.
I've been feeling really anxious lately so I'm seeing a psychiatrist on Wednesday. I'm quite nervous about it, it's honestly making me more anxious. I have been having like a weird fluttery feeling in my chest and what seems like constant heart palpitations. So we're getting that checked out ... I also got into a car crash with a cement block 😒 I think this was the incident that started this panicky anxiety feeling I've been having for the past two weeks. I've always been a very anxious person but it has definitely been worse lately.
On a more positive note, well kinda positive, I met this guy and he drives a motorcycle, an S1K for any enthusiasts (a lowk douchey bike ik ik). He is the complete opposite of me - very outgoing and always talking to random people and I thought we were getting along really well and were maybe going to start dating ... but ofc he has some issues from a past relationship. So as of now that ship is sailing away. The positive out of this was that I did get to learn how to ride a motorcycle. Now that I know how I lowk want to get one lol. My mom has put her foot down and said no but I'm an adult so when I have the funds ( bc I wrecked my car it looks a little fucked so I won't anytime soon bc I want a GR86/BRZ (and I want to put mods on it) for my bday) I will be purchasing ... maybe.
I have an organic chemistry exam on Thursday and I'm tweaking about it but also doing nothing to make me feel better (like studying). Sigh ... executive dysfunction at its best. I'm also so exhausted. I feel like I haven't been myself these past few months and idk how to fix it. Since my bsf moved back home I have been in the city where my school is located by myself. I have friends and people I occasionally hang out with but nobody solid. I don't really party or drink so I spend a lot of time by myself (well with my cat). I think I need to get out more but I don't and that's okay I think.
6 months from now or even 3 I hope I'm happier and feel like myself again. Well 6 months from now I'll be 21 so that's kinda weird. I think everyone feels this way but I often don't feel like anyones first choice. Even my own family. Since I live alone, it seems I could go weeks without talking to people or anyone reaching out. Sometimes it seems people only call/text is when they need something from me. Which is kinda sad but I'm also getting to a point in my life where it's normal. Sometimes I think if I didn't exist anymore no one would be bothered by it, no one would be sad that I'm gone but I'm getting to a point where I'm okay with that and maybe that's why I want/need to pursue a career where I am actively helping people. idk is this my not yet quarter life crisis????
Anyways sorry that got a little depressing and ranting about my first world problems.
it's goodbye for now my little lady bugs
much love,
bbylaura🧡🧡