the little whispers diary

Hello my Beloved Friends,

It has been awhile since I've written anything. So I'm a little unsure what to say. The past three months have felt so short but also like it's been a year. I did find an apartment after what seems like months of searching. I moved in, in July. I like this place but it feels weird to live alone again. I honestly really miss living with my best friend. But I suppose we all have to grow up and move on at some point.

I've been feeling really anxious lately so I'm seeing a psychiatrist on Wednesday. I'm quite nervous about it, it's honestly making me more anxious. I have been having like a weird fluttery feeling in my chest and what seems like constant heart palpitations. So we're getting that checked out ... I also got into a car crash with a cement block 😒 I think this was the incident that started this panicky anxiety feeling I've been having for the past two weeks. I've always been a very anxious person but it has definitely been worse lately.

On a more positive note, well kinda positive, I met this guy and he drives a motorcycle, an S1K for any enthusiasts (a lowk douchey bike ik ik).  He is the complete opposite of me - very outgoing and always talking to random people and I thought we were getting along really well and were maybe going to start dating ... but ofc he has some issues from a past relationship. So as of now that ship is sailing away. The positive out of this was that I did get to learn how to ride a motorcycle. Now that I know how I lowk want to get one lol. My mom has put her foot down and said no but I'm an adult so when I have the funds ( bc I wrecked my car it looks a little fucked so I won't anytime soon bc I want a GR86/BRZ (and I want to put mods on it) for my bday) I will be purchasing ... maybe. 

I have an organic chemistry exam on Thursday and I'm tweaking about it but also doing nothing to make me feel better (like studying). Sigh ... executive dysfunction at its best. I'm also so exhausted. I feel like I haven't been myself these past few months and idk how to fix it. Since my bsf moved back home I have been in the city where my school is located by myself. I have friends and people I occasionally hang out with but nobody solid. I don't really party or drink so I spend a lot of time by myself (well with my cat). I think I need to get out more but I don't and that's okay I think. 

6 months from now or even 3 I hope I'm happier and feel like myself again. Well 6 months from now I'll be 21 so that's kinda weird. I think everyone feels this way but I often don't feel like anyones first choice. Even my own family. Since I live alone, it seems I could go weeks without talking to people or anyone reaching out. Sometimes it seems people only call/text is when they need something from me. Which is kinda sad but I'm also getting to a point in my life where it's normal. Sometimes I think if I didn't exist anymore no one would be bothered by it, no one would be sad that I'm gone but I'm getting to a point where I'm okay with that and maybe that's why I want/need to pursue a career where I am actively helping people. idk is this my not yet quarter life crisis????

Anyways sorry that got a little depressing and ranting about my first world problems.

it's goodbye for now my little lady bugs 

much love,

bbylaura🧡🧡

Hello My Beloved Friends, 

I’m back!! As I told you, it didn’t take long. I always have a lot to say but never anyone to tell it to. Today was pretty boring again… but I did talk to some new people, which was fun.

I still find myself being awkward, and maybe I just make stuff up in my head, but I feel like I’ve been rejected because of the way I look. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but I feel like the conversation was going really well before we shared pictures. We were connecting, and then after seeing what I look like, he’s pulled away. I don’t know, it feels like an ongoing cycle, and it’s starting to hurt my feelings. It’s almost like I’m wondering if something’s wrong with me specifically.

It’s easy to feel like something’s wrong when everyone around me has a special someone, but I don’t, no matter how hard I try. I think I’m just frustrated because it feels like I’m doing all the “right” things but still getting left behind. It makes me wonder, though, are we all rushing into relationships just because it’s the thing to do? Is it really about love, or just about fitting into the “normal” picture?

I keep thinking about how the feeling of rejection is so unique. It starts in your stomach, like butterflies but heavier, with more anxiety and dread. It’s a sour taste in your mouth, and a gnawing guilt, like you’ve done something wrong. But maybe I’m being too hard on myself. If they really found me repulsive, they would’ve just blocked me, right?

I’ve been thinking about this cycle of rejection. It’s so familiar, like déjà vu with every new person. It makes me feel like something’s wrong with me, but I wonder if that’s just the story I’ve been telling myself. Rejection doesn’t mean you’re broken it’s just a part of life. Even the most confident people get turned down. I guess it’s not about the rejection itself but how I pick myself up after. I’m starting to realize that maybe this feeling of being “left behind” isn’t about me at all. It’s about timing, about where someone else is in their journey.

And maybe that’s okay. Maybe not everyone is meant to be in my life, and that’s just part of the process. I’ve got to remember that just because others have someone doesn’t mean I need to be in a relationship to be happy. In the meantime, I guess I'll try focusing on what makes me happy; reading, working on things that matter to me, spending time with the people who really care.

Although it is funny how our bodies react to emotions like this. The butterflies in my stomach morph into knots of anxiety, and suddenly, I’m questioning every little thing I said. It’s easy to get stuck in my head when things don’t go the way I expect them to, but I’m trying to remember that rejection is a part of the process, not the end of the story.

I guess I could have spoken up or simply blocked him, but maybe he’s just going through something I don’t understand. People are complex, and so am I. Maybe we all have our own reasons for doing what we do, even if we don’t share them.It’s hard, but I’m going to try to keep going, because that’s all we can do, right?

Anyways this is goodbye for now. I'm sure we will talk again soon my lovely lady bugs!

Love you all,

bbylaura🧡🧡

Hello My Beloved Friends!!!!,

I hope y'all are doing well! I'm really nervous writing this, even though I'm sure no one will read it. I just spent the past 15 minutes trying to decide on a font if that says anything about me 😭 English isn't my first language so don't hate on my grammar and punctuation, I'm terrible at it and this is supposed to be fun. I don't have any one to talk to so I'm taking charge and making a diary, where I'm going to share everything fun, terrible, and possibly kinky that goes on in my life. 

I talk a lot and no one wants to hear me rant about Lando Norris crashing into his teammate at the Canadian Grand Prix one more time, so here we are!! I'm not really sure what to start with so we just going to start with the last week of my life. I go to university in the US and right now were are on summer break (I'm still taking 4 classes though 😓), so I've been really unproductive and have felt like a waste of space recently. my sleep schedule is terrible and I just honestly feel like shit. I realize every summer that I need structure like school to keep my life together or I will go completely crazy. I'm a premed student so I'm used to be hella busy all of the time but now I'm not and I feel crazy. Honestly I did look for a job but no one wants a student who can't work full time during a school semester. I also emailed dozens of doctors about shadowing and research and either they don't reply or they are like sorry girl we don't have any room for you. like what???? that's so annoying. but anyways I'm trying my best to get my life together. 

I've also been on the hunt for an apartment and let me tell you in a college town every place either has roaches or is $1500 a month and living by myself I cannot afford that so again one more reason for me to just jump🤪 On a more positive note I am able to hold a conversation with a man for more than 24 hours!!! I'm honestly so bad at flirting and I get so awkward when any mentions anything sexual. it's not like im uncomfortable I'm just weird and don't know what to say, its very easy to get flustered literally just say anything remotely sexual and I either freeze up, don't respond, or change the subject😁 its a curse, but I'm trying to work on it!! 

Anyways for now this is goodbye. I don't know what else to say and I have some lovely folks trying to get my attention. I'll be back soon to rant again I'm sure!!

Much Love,

bbylaura🧡🧡