My worth feels conditional on me performing life correctly, and any imperfection means I am not lovable.
I learned that love and safety depend on being “good enough,” and my mind is constantly trying to verify if I am.
Who determines our value? How do we truly know if we are a good person? Does a good person sacrifice everything? Giving the shirt off your back so to speak? Putting the oxygen mask on others before yourself? Obviously that's not right, because you must save yourself first. How do you do that? How do you know you are doing enough? Especially when in retrospect after the day is done your mind grinds up your thoughts and memories and feelings thru the meat grinder of disgusting truth. Well it feels like that anyway. It's just this void of negativity that has seemed to soak into every aspect of yourself.
How do you learn to love yourself when the loudest voice in the room is critical as hell. When kindness to yourself feels like abandoning yourself. If you aren't going to judge yourself who is going to? If I can only handle the extremes in life how can I enjoy the middle?
At the end of the day nothing feels like enough. There is nothing in this world that will fill the void created inside of me.