****I have SO many songs in my head right now, and for so many different reasons. At least one one level they all feel different, yet, like so many things in our lives they are intertwined and intersect in strange ways. Instead of many different blogs, you just get the random shuffle of my thoughts and even some dedications go out tonight with the tunes. So sit back and enjoy the show! ****
Let me also simply address that for those of you who have gotten to know me, yes, there have been some changes. Centi is still in my life (I leave for Italy on Monday to see him...holy moly!), but we have made some big massive changes. IT IS OUR STORY AND IT IS WHAT IS RIGHT FOR US AT THIS TIME. Please don't go bugging him asking him about it! Having said that, what you are about to read isn't about him. I don't want the assumption train to derail there. Remember, there is ALWAYS more to someone's story, to their journey, than meets the eye.
To start, i have been singing this song all day. I was with small children, so i sang the clean version! This song is dedicated to a Treasure among us. You are valuable. <3
It can be so hard, believe me, recent events in my own life have this song in my mind as well. I don't always believe this about myself. I often need reminders. (And even then I have trouble always truly believing) Deep down, I know I am amazing. I really do. Sometimes though, being amazing and being perfect (or any other lovely descriptive words you want to add) to someone is simply not enough. What a weird situation! Welcome to a different variety of mind-fuck! 🙈
Like Cinderella's step sisters, even though they tried, (and i would go to great lengths to try!), some things just don't fit in this moment, in this time, in this space. And you can't make them! No amount of tears, no amount of heartbreak. Or pleading. Or desperation. Or lack of understanding. Or...or...or...
*This isn't a dig against myself, I know I am an amazing woman. I am NOT downplaying my importance in general or in the specific situation. 💗 *
But back to Cinderella's sisters, of course, this came to mind:
Now that you are done laughing, at least I am😂😂...*please note, i don't think of ANYONE like that. I see beauty in everyone no matter who they are 💖
So moving on to the next tune through my journey in my mind, when I am hurting, as i know with many of you, the range of emotions can just be an exhausting roller coaster ride....its true.
I wish i could say I was always ✨ sparkly, but raw and real isn't always sparkly. raw and real is simply that....from my heart, from my gut-often unfiltered and brutally honest.This song definitely hit close to home, although really it ISN'T about winning or losing. (I'll get back to that in a bit.)
This next tune is part of the emotional rollercoaster as well. The highs and the lows. And I just like the song.
Now that I have given you a recent tour through my head, I close with a final song. This is the song that truly summarizes my feelings in all of these situations. I am TRULY thankful for the gifts I have been given, the relationships I have in my life, what is yet to come. I am so lucky to have lessons learned, lessons I am learning, and ones I have yet to learn. (And the ones that are just on a repeat loop because I haven't quite conquered them yet!) My heart is big and feels emotions (both mine and those of others) in really big ways. And YES, I may go round and round about feeling like I was/am less than, or not enough, or wonder what I could have done differently...but at the end of the day it DOESN'T matter. It ISN'T about winning or losing. It's not about what I feel. Not really. Yes my feelings are valid and real and important- of that there is no question! But I love, give and serve sacrificially. This is NOT meant to be the cry of a victim nor am I trying to play the part of a martyr, it is simply the REAL cry of my heart:
And I chose this version because I LOVE her sparkly dress. I know...total shocker!
It's true. To See you Smile 💗, To know you are happy.... 💗 and I would do it all over again! I wish you well. 💗 I can't wait to see what is up ahead. 💗
I think i shall end the DJ Sparkalina shuffle for now. It's been an emotional time writing this (and rereading and editing and reading AGAIN...repeat...i have probably done this 25 times tonight!) Maybe another installment of Night Serenade with DJ Sparkalina will come after my trip to 🇮🇹 Italy 💖
Friends, thank you all for being a part of my life. Thank you for showing me reflections of myself. Thank you for sharing bits and pieces of you. Thank you for a space where I can be me. Keep your head up, add positivity and be uplifting where you can.You never know who your kindness will reach 💖
