some may have noticed, some may not but I've been relatively absent around here. It can become really easy to feel like no one notices if you're gone. although I know that's not true! there are people who have noticed and people who do stay in touch. Yet, I drift further away...
I feel like I'm slowly and aimlessly drifting... downstream? Or is it upstream?! I don't even feel like I know anymore. I know it's just a phase and I know it's just a Time, but it feels a bit crazy. It's relearning about yourself. It's relearning about your relationship with other people.
It's also a time of questioning almost everything. Things I once thought I knew, I need to relearn. Even within the scene, at the local dungeon, things that have brought me joy in the past 18 months, are not necessarily bringing me joy anymore.
My interactions with many Dom types have led me to a space that I question what I'm even doing here. Sometimes I really wonder if I'm trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. (Me, of course being that square peg.) I used to guard and defend so heavily who I am within the scene, but now I just feel like I'm not so sure.
I am definitely not fond of this time and space, yet, there are Sparkles to be seen even in the midst of it. Beauty can be found anywhere as long as we're willing to open our eyes.
*About now my blogs normally would have a cute graphic or picture, but this time has also led me to simply being a basic member here on Cage. So that means you can use your imagination for the graphics that would normally go here ☺️*
Honestly I'm not even sure why I'm posting this. Maybe it's just an outlet. Maybe it's because some of you out there can understand. Feeling adrift can often also lead to making some decisions that might not be the healthiest. I feel such a strong pull to communicate with someone that I have previously communicated with and tried to make it work with before. I couldn't be who he wanted, and his last words were that he didn't even know if I was worthy of his time. Yet I want to reach out again. It's definitely not the wisest of decisions for my heart.
I think maybe I see through sparkly colored glasses and am looking for rainbows and butterflies. My brain would like to tell me that is where the problem lies and perhaps reality is more soul crushing...
And I drift further...it's a recurring theme actually- me not being able to be who They wanted or needed....or being what and who was wanted, yet still not...
It's a bit lonely, this drifting...alone, yet not alone, yet alone just the same. Honestly not sure where this drifting will take me. I wonder if it will take me away completely out of the scene....or is it just a refining time.
