subtle thoughts

Beware the “self-taught” dominant.

He learned about kink from “trial and error”. 

He likes to “learn on the job”.

He learned from an uncle.

He didn’t read books. He doesn’t go to community classes or discussions or demonstrations. He doesn’t ever learn anything new.

But he’s been living the lifestyle for years. He’s never had a problem… that he knows of. Surely that is proof enough he is safe.

And he will talk down to you as his submissive to demonstrate his dominance. To prove ir. And to test you.

Do not be the guinea pig. Or do. But do so with eyes wide open.

You say you want someone 100% passive.

So you want a doormat? Someone who will agree to whatever you want? You don’t understand that submission is an active choice. That makes it all the more sweeter because while the sub is fully capable of saying no but says yes because they choose to. They have agency. Then you know you are worthy of their submission and only then.

Try reading a book on power exchange.

Try attending a class. 

Education is sexy af.

It’s been nearly a month of contemplation around this question:

What does a dominant owe a submissive, and what does a submissive owe a dominant within an exchange of power?

I thank everyone for  their contributive thoughts. I’ve heard many perspectives, and I don’t claim this to be a universal truth. But at the core of power exchange, this is what I believe:

A submissive chooses the relationship and the dynamic over their ego. They set aside defensiveness, control, and pride in order to offer trust and vulnerability.

A dominant chooses the relationship and the dynamic over their ego. They set aside image, authority for its own sake, and the need to be right in order to offer responsibility and care.

Without this mutual willingness to place the bond above ego, a power exchange is inherently unstable.

Yes, there are dynamics where a dominant maintains ego and selfishness and a submissive endures that. Those dynamics may work for some people. But this is not a judgment of others. It is simply the truth I have learned about myself.

For me, power exchange without mutual ego-surrender is not intimacy. It is imbalance and will always fail.

Happy Holidays.

I’m back.

I think I fixed what I’d erred on.

I’m here but not really looking. Vanilla life is kicking my behind. I could use friends though. I love talking about kink. I love exploring my thoughts and finding my own pathway to deeper submission.

I have no patience for games or half attempts at engagement. I won’t carry the conversation fir you. Come with enthusiastic consent and enthusiastic interest and I will do so in return. 

I’ve noticed a recurring pattern where men initiate conversation and then quickly switch to asking for sexual photos or videos.

I want to be clear about how I handle that. I’m happy to share a face photo or hop on a brief video chat to establish that I’m real. Beyond that, I don’t provide sexual content. If that’s what you’re looking for, keep scrolling. If you want to get to know me as a person, we can talk like two humans.

If you’re curious about my kinks, they’re listed on my profile.

What I’m not available for is being reduced to a source of entertainment without negotiation or consent. If that’s your approach, you’re going to be sorely disappointed.

If your concern is whether I’m sexually open or sex-positive, the answer is yes.

If your way of testing that is pushing for sexual content early, we’re not compatible.

I don’t withhold intimacy as leverage, and I don’t give it as proof.

I thought I would post this as a writing. This was a comment responding to the question, how has your understanding of submission evolved?

 
I think I’ve learned that there is so much responsibility in true submission. One must be self aware, transparent, honest. Submission requires deference not simply giving up control.

True, every dynamic will be different based on the people and what is negotiated but I believe the above are the foundation. I think we take these things for granted sometimes. I think we say, I want to submit and it takes work without understanding that it can be very challenging to sustain.

I recently posed the question, what does a dominant “owe” their submissive? If we can set aside semantics, I think that there is an expectation at the very least that both people owe the other honesty and clear communication, consistency and respect. But to deliver these things takes work and many relationships, mine included, have suffered from their absence.

Submission is not just being told what to do. Dominance is not just being a dictator. But it feels like sometimes people posture as if it is.

Just my take.

He said I should trust him until he proves he cannot be trusted.
That made me trust him less.

There are Dominants who are warm, playful, emotionally literate, and still terrifying in the ways I like. There are others who are like a statue. And statues are great to look at. They are terrible to love, submit to, or build anything human with.

Then there are those who seem far more interested in consumption than connection. Let’s be clear: I am not your sexual content. Not today.

And amidst all of that, some unknown percentage  who either do not know what they want or are not honest about what they want.

The same could be said, I’m sure, about submissives. For my part, I will figure out what I truly want; who I truly am; and how much I’m willing to trust this process before I fold my tent and retreat back into my insular ways.

I am finding it precarious this path we walk to meet.

You do not have to prove your dominance to me.  I need to know that you learned what it means to be a dominant-- intentionally from multiple sources-- in order to be sure you embody it in a safe and emotionally intelligent way.

I need to know that you are open to learning something new.  Accepting new data from a new model and adjusting accordingly.

I need to know you see me as an individual, not simply another unit to be inspected and evaluated.

It's difficult though. That's what we're doing, right? Evaluating. Sifting. Choosing.

Let's remember we each are human. With hopes and faults. Quirks and strengths. Needs and scars.

I wish all the best in their journey.

☮︎, 🖤 & 😈