I finally got around to starting the most recent Stormlight Archive book last week (side note - for anyone who enjoys high fantasy, I highly recommend basically any of Brandon Sanderson's works).
A line from one of the characters stirred up so many conflicting thoughts - I won't include the character's name out of an abundance of caution regarding spoilers, though anyone who has read the series can probably guess:
"I do not consider a time 'rough' or 'not rough.' I simply do as my master commands"
This single sentence simultaneously touches on both the peace which can be found in M/s dynamics and also what I consider to be unhealthy misnomers about them.
On the one hand, I think there is absolutely a sense of peace associated with being able to "switch off" to some extent and allow another to lead - I've written before about how there's a similar sense of peace on the D side too, but that's not the point here. And particularly during hard times, I do feel that leaning on that dynamic for a short period can be helpful.
However, there's also the implication that an s-type's job is not to feel, but simply to obey. This is where I disgree, even in M/s dynamics (or to be specific, in my version of M/s dynamics). By reducing the s-type to a hyper-obedient drone, it not only robs them of their individuality, it robs the D-type of the wonder of deeply connecting with them. If all feelings are suppressed, how can the D-type determine where to push, where to question, how to guide someone? How can they make good decisions for someone else if there are no feelings or reactions on which to gauge their effectiveness?
Maybe it comes down to my style of dominance leaning heavily on empathy. I did an impact scene with someone a long time ago where their goal was to remain perfectly stoic throughout, essentially challenging themselves to remain still and silent and endure it all. It was HARD, and not fulfilling in the least. In fact, I found it scary. No reactions, no tells, no way of judging whether to speed up, slow down, or even stop altogether. It felt like skiing during a whiteout - no sense of direction and constantly worried about unseen hazards.
Since then I've learned that having visibility of feelings is critical for me, whether physical or emotional. Going back to the quote from the book, M/s-wise I do want an s-type to consider times "rough" or "not rough". And I want to know about it. What is key though (and what makes it an M/s dynamic, I guess) is that in that situation the authority of how to deal with rough time would lie with me.
The thought of an s-type suppressing feelings horrifies me, but the thought of an s-type accepting those feelings and then allowing me to choose how to address them? That I like.
(please note that I am in no way suggesting that a power exchange dynamic is a replacement for therapy - indeed, in some cases the "choosing how to address them" could be an instruction to seek out therapy)