D/s Musings

I've seen a few posts lately along the lines of the below (paraphrased and modified to be gender-neutral):

> A mature Dominant doesn’t need your submission to feel like a dominant

> If you need a submissive such that it will cause you to change your behaviour to keep them, you are not being dominant.

Basically, the idea that if your dominance depends on another's submission, that this is BAD.

I'm not sure I agree.

See, my dominance doesn't come naturally. I'm not naturally someone who will exude an aura of authority. I'm someone who needs to build confidence slowly but surely through "doing", whether that be with a skill or with a particular person.

If you encounter me in a work environment then yes, I might present with some authority - I've had almost 30 years of byulding my expertise and confidence there.

If you meet me for the first time at a munch, though? Honestly, I suspect most people meeting me in person assume I'm a submissive.

Sure, I read power exchange books, I go to classes. But while these can teach broad psychological concepts and physical skills, when it comes to a dynamic, every person is unique. And by extension every D/s or M/s dynamic is unique.

So not only theoretical learning, but even learning from past dynamics - that's only a small part of the picture. Because with a new person? Everything could change. Different background, different things which motivate them, different experience levels, different triggers. I think that the majority of learning within any dynamic comes from experience within that dynamic itself.

The way I view D/s (which I acknowledge is not in any way universal) is that my dominance only works with a compatible submissive. And vice versa - submission only works with a compatible dominant. They're two halves of a whole.

My "dominance" is absolutely going to change from person to person, because a decision I'd make for one submissive might be very different from what I'd decide for another. Just like if a submissive came to me insisting on using all the protocols from their previous dynamic, that wouldn't work either.

And if I think about what dominance without a dynamic looks like? I think of that new manager who struts into a workplace issuing orders blindly and bullying anyone who asks questions into leaving. I think of the person at a restaurant who loudly sneers and sighs when they have to wait for a table.

All of this is to say: I think my dominance DOES depend on another's submission. Not because I lack self-assurance or because I need to feel an ego boost, but because my dominance only counts for anything within the context of another's submission. "Dominance" on its own feels like... giving orders to a pillow.

I've long believed in the mantra of "Don't try to change somebody else". That we should never get into a relationship thinking "I can fix them" or "this person has potential". I think it's unfair both to ourselves and to the "has potential" other person/people, and creates impossible expectations.

However - a while ago I attended a three-and-a-half hour intensive session on "Behaviour Modification". Which made me think - is this somehow more acceptable to me within a consensual D/s dynamic?

The throwaway answer is, of course, "sure, as long as it's consensual", but I feel like there's more to it than that.

To some extent I think it's fair to say that the D side of a dynamic _is_ effectively moulding the S side to fit their preferences. Teaching them how they prefer things done, defining protocols to their liking, enforcing certain behaviour standards, the list goes on.

So why is it now suddenly okay?

After some consideration, the way I'm currently reconciling this with my "don't try to change someone" belief is twofold.

Firstly, I think many D/s related changes are often more surface-level: how someone dresses, or speaks, or behaves. Their "core self" - their personal morals, their belief system, their values, their inherent "goodness" as a person - is not being modified. They're still the same person, which is a good thing, since that is presumably one of the things which sparked initial interest.

Secondly, I think that one's "core self" does change over time, for both sides of the slash, just like in a vanilla egalitarian relationship. Both friends and partners undoubtedly have an influence over each other's "core self", for better or for worse. Within the confines of a D/s dynamic however, I think there's the possibility for this gradual change to be done _intentionally_ rather than by happenstance. With care and communication, as opposed to through peer pressure, or worse, through unspoken expectations and toxicity.

The other thought which comes to mind as I write this is that perhaps this is one of the ways in which I differentiate the often nebulous concepts of D/s and M/s. When I consider modification of a submissive's "core self" in a consensual M/s - or "total authority transfer" / "TAT" - context, my gut reaction is that it feels a lot more acceptable.... yet still something to be approached with the utmost caution, and with a high potential for emotional damage if not done carefully and consensually.

I wrote a long time ago that:

> To me, an authority transfer relationship is two people working TOGETHER to acheive the dynamic they both want.

What I think is sometimes skimmed over, especially in the era of 50-shades-of-grey-inspired dynamics-that-are-really-just-play, is that the effort comes from both sides. I 100% don't see D/s as a submissive striving to serve a "dominant" whose main contribution is their ability to swing a flogger, or bark demands, or their "alpha-ness"

All snide mockery aside, I've found that actual information on ways the left side of the slash can contribute does tends to be scarce. So in an attempt to even the scales, here are some example of things I'm personally trying to do at the moment and (perhaps more importanrly) WHY I do them. Obviously these won't be suitable for everyone, and they're not exhaustive - I've undoubtedly missed a lot - but it's a start. I'm keen to hear how others contribute to their dynamics, too.

I take copious note: likes, dislikes, triggers, progress, plans, goals, fears, favourite foods, etc. Because I consider a huge part of having authority to be also understanding how to use it safely and responsibly - and that means that the more information, the better.

I set reminders for MYSELF to give my submissive reminders about completing tasks. This might sound a bit silly, but the way I see it is that D/s isn't some kind of trap to trick the sumbissive into slipping up. Maybe that's a fun _play_ scene for some, but within a real life dynamic I WANT them to be successful.

I set aside time for me to go through results of tasks. Not to "check whether a punishment is needed" or any such thing, but because when someone has taken time to do something for me, D/s dynamic or not, I will absolutely take the time to properly appreciate it. And if I do find I'd prefer it done differently, it presents the perfect opportunity to explain this.

I work on my own self growth - Dominance doesn't mean "lazy mode" to me but rather the opposite. The responsibility of a dynamic is actually one of the absolute largest motivators for me when it comes to working on my own mental and physical health.

I try to educate myself to at least a basic level in my submissive's interests and hobbies. Because honestly, I'm interested in a _person_, not just ways I can play with them.

I spend a lot of time reflecting on which elements of the dynamic are working well, which aren't working so well, and whether anything needs to be discussed or changed. Because life happens, and I've learnes that dynamics need to adjust accordingly. Looking back, not doing this enough has been a big mistake I've made in the past.

If a lot of these sound just like things that regular people do in regular vanilla relationships... that's because at its heart, I truly see D/s as just that: a relationship. Sure, there might be more structure built in, and pre-established rules about who's in charge, but it's still a relationship.

Something which I think is often forgotten in the passion of porn-inspired D/s fantasies is that an ongoing long term D/s dynamic is a two-sided process.

I don't see it as one person barking orders and the other passively obeying. That might work for a play scene, but it's not a relationship, or at least not my idea of one. To me, an authority transfer relationship is two people working TOGETHER to acheive the dynamic they both want.

And when I say working together - I mean working HARD. I do think that D/s dynamics can be incredibly rewarding due to their customised nature, but on the flip side, the customation means that there's no standard "manual", no decades of societal norms to follow. While these days there IS a wealth of online educational content on D/s dynamics in general, the hard part is figuring out which parts work for a particular combination of people.

How does one do that? Firstly, I'd suggest that "one" doesn't do it - it's a _joint_ responsibility, which starts with simple honest communication. I see lots of group posts about things like "Should I punish my sub?" or "How should a train my sub?" To which my first thought is... why not just ask them, rather than random internet strangers? They're a person just like you, and they (I assume) want the dynamic to suceeed just as much as you do.

I generally avoid stating my opinions as fact, but I'll make an exception here: asking questions is not "un-domly". Different people respond better to different methods, and surely the most straightforward way to determine an appropriate method is to discuss it. Talk about what works, what doesn't work, and what _might_ work and is worth trying. Nothing is preventing changing track if it doesn't work.

And to be clear here, I haven't suddenly started talking about an egalitarian vanilla relationship. I don't see any of the above as negating a D/s dynamic. The D-type is still making the decisions, they're just getting all the information they need first in order to make an _informed_ decision.

The reason that the above might _sound_ quite vanilla is that in many ways, I see D/s dynamics just like any relationship. Both people learning how the other works, understanding how best to engage and support each other. Just in a more formalised, intentional manner, with prior agreement about which person has the authority.