D/s Musings

I've long believed in the mantra of "Don't try to change somebody else". That we should never get into a relationship thinking "I can fix them" or "this person has potential". I think it's unfair both to ourselves and to the "has potential" other person/people, and creates impossible expectations.

However - a while ago I attended a three-and-a-half hour intensive session on "Behaviour Modification". Which made me think - is this somehow more acceptable to me within a consensual D/s dynamic?

The throwaway answer is, of course, "sure, as long as it's consensual", but I feel like there's more to it than that.

To some extent I think it's fair to say that the D side of a dynamic _is_ effectively moulding the S side to fit their preferences. Teaching them how they prefer things done, defining protocols to their liking, enforcing certain behaviour standards, the list goes on.

So why is it now suddenly okay?

After some consideration, the way I'm currently reconciling this with my "don't try to change someone" belief is twofold.

Firstly, I think many D/s related changes are often more surface-level: how someone dresses, or speaks, or behaves. Their "core self" - their personal morals, their belief system, their values, their inherent "goodness" as a person - is not being modified. They're still the same person, which is a good thing, since that is presumably one of the things which sparked initial interest.

Secondly, I think that one's "core self" does change over time, for both sides of the slash, just like in a vanilla egalitarian relationship. Both friends and partners undoubtedly have an influence over each other's "core self", for better or for worse. Within the confines of a D/s dynamic however, I think there's the possibility for this gradual change to be done _intentionally_ rather than by happenstance. With care and communication, as opposed to through peer pressure, or worse, through unspoken expectations and toxicity.

The other thought which comes to mind as I write this is that perhaps this is one of the ways in which I differentiate the often nebulous concepts of D/s and M/s. When I consider modification of a submissive's "core self" in a consensual M/s - or "total authority transfer" / "TAT" - context, my gut reaction is that it feels a lot more acceptable.... yet still something to be approached with the utmost caution, and with a high potential for emotional damage if not done carefully and consensually.

I wrote a long time ago that:

> To me, an authority transfer relationship is two people working TOGETHER to acheive the dynamic they both want.

What I think is sometimes skimmed over, especially in the era of 50-shades-of-grey-inspired dynamics-that-are-really-just-play, is that the effort comes from both sides. I 100% don't see D/s as a submissive striving to serve a "dominant" whose main contribution is their ability to swing a flogger, or bark demands, or their "alpha-ness"

All snide mockery aside, I've found that actual information on ways the left side of the slash can contribute does tends to be scarce. So in an attempt to even the scales, here are some example of things I'm personally trying to do at the moment and (perhaps more importanrly) WHY I do them. Obviously these won't be suitable for everyone, and they're not exhaustive - I've undoubtedly missed a lot - but it's a start. I'm keen to hear how others contribute to their dynamics, too.

I take copious note: likes, dislikes, triggers, progress, plans, goals, fears, favourite foods, etc. Because I consider a huge part of having authority to be also understanding how to use it safely and responsibly - and that means that the more information, the better.

I set reminders for MYSELF to give my submissive reminders about completing tasks. This might sound a bit silly, but the way I see it is that D/s isn't some kind of trap to trick the sumbissive into slipping up. Maybe that's a fun _play_ scene for some, but within a real life dynamic I WANT them to be successful.

I set aside time for me to go through results of tasks. Not to "check whether a punishment is needed" or any such thing, but because when someone has taken time to do something for me, D/s dynamic or not, I will absolutely take the time to properly appreciate it. And if I do find I'd prefer it done differently, it presents the perfect opportunity to explain this.

I work on my own self growth - Dominance doesn't mean "lazy mode" to me but rather the opposite. The responsibility of a dynamic is actually one of the absolute largest motivators for me when it comes to working on my own mental and physical health.

I try to educate myself to at least a basic level in my submissive's interests and hobbies. Because honestly, I'm interested in a _person_, not just ways I can play with them.

I spend a lot of time reflecting on which elements of the dynamic are working well, which aren't working so well, and whether anything needs to be discussed or changed. Because life happens, and I've learnes that dynamics need to adjust accordingly. Looking back, not doing this enough has been a big mistake I've made in the past.

If a lot of these sound just like things that regular people do in regular vanilla relationships... that's because at its heart, I truly see D/s as just that: a relationship. Sure, there might be more structure built in, and pre-established rules about who's in charge, but it's still a relationship.