So, I came back.
It has been 3 weeks officially.
Here's what I've realized so far:
- Follow your first mind, and fight like hell not to go back on it, even if it's uncomfortable.
- Autonomy even in a union is so very important.
- Change doesn't happen quickly and you must decide if you want to, a.) change in chaos, b.) change separated from chaos, c.) separate yourself from chaos all together.
- Before starting relationship, you need to be deeply aware of the trauma you carry. When (not if) it gets too heavy, eventually you'll put all the weight down. You don't want to be responsible for who you hurt when you start to choose yourself.
I have a sister in law who is a few years younger than me. She's like a little sister. Last year she showed up at my house at 1:15am because her fiance disrespected her. The argument was something small and his comment about not respecting her was misaligned with what they were even arguing about, unwarranted, and just down right nasty. I remember sitting there, with her brother (my husband), counseling her essentially; After yanking her into my house, because I jumped out of the bed at the sound of the doorbell, to her crying in the hall. I'm staring at her crying, trying to comfort her.
My husband and I had been going through things as well but I was of the mindset of fixing it then. I felt like it was something I could do with him, ignoring my own exhaustion and emotions.
I told her, "babygirl if you felt disrespected or hurt enough to leave, that is your first sign. Your nervous system responded, not your mind or heart. You instantly clocked disrespect and decided flight in your response because you didn't feel safe. If it were just a misunderstanding, you two would be talking, apologizing to each other and working it out. He said what he did to hurt you. Clearly he is conflicted in what he feels for you but instead of leaving he chooses to hurt your feelings. That is not love."
Long story short, she ended up leaving permanently over time, is now working two jobs and just signed the lease on her new place.
When I think about how her situation made me start looking at things differently in my own relationship, I thank the universe for all those late nights and early mornings we spent together talking about what type of strength it takes to move on. I'm taking my own advice now.
The difference is, my marriage and its success is contingent upon healing, submission and mutual growth. The problem is that I have finally accepted and come to terms with the fact that I simply don't feel like doing that here. Bunny wants to be free. There has been too much misalignment, too much deficit, too big of a chasm to try to repair what has been broken on both sides. And genuinely, I'm exhausted. Like truly and inconceivably tired. It doesn't matter if I sleep 7-10 hours, do yoga, do breath work, use active healthy coping mechanisms to manage stress. I go to sleep praying that I can make something shake, as fast as possible. I wake up tired and already sick of everyone's shit.
My only desire at this very moment is to achieve independence, stability, enough space in my life to figure my shit out without damaging someone else in the process.
Check out my other blog posts to follow along with my journey.
I guess the next question is when it's a mistake to look back, what are you willing to do to move forward?