Calugula in exile

A wise person once told me writing on places like this was cheaper than therapy and u get the same results, which is true so back down the rabbit hole I go. I'm not sure what I come here for. I've met some great people but my motives were fucked up from the start. I didn't and still don't know which is more of a turn on dominance or submission but i just stopped trying to figure it out. The real question i face is what i want out of this. My whole reasoning for coming here was the idea that there was no emotional attachment involved. W the passing of time though the reality sets in that i will never be one of those people. I need a connection for there to even be interest. The robot concept just seems to me to easy of a copout when it comes to any relationship. More power to ya if u can pull it off but i feel disingenuous when i try it. When i found out i was sick i made the conscious decision that i would never let anyone close to me for the simple fact that it was a burden. People change when they hear that.  Every woman goes from a woman to a want a be nurse and then everything changes. My life isn't that different i just need to pace myself. I don't breath as well but I'm still capable of most things. Regardless it brings me back to wanting to stay away from emotions. Shrinks have argued and agreed but there's no set standard for how to handle such a situation. If i don't get a transplant i die young, basically out of my hands at this point but so is life in general. BDSM is more of a turn on for me bc of the erotic nature that comes w the unknown. So many focus on the pain but those r the ones who can saya safeword and make it stop. I get to live through it all day. Physical pain may be intriguing but once u couple up w it constantly it's not as fun. I never got the desire for it but to each it's own. I'm in such a mind fuck at this point that I'm not sure I'll ever understand exactly what i want.  Still the search keeps on and as it gets longer so do certain facts about myself that aren't able to be simply fucked away or ran from. This portion of my life has been one of patience and acceptance but through that a lot of my animal instincts have been building up or maybe just frustration. Never the less I know that there is someone who will match up at some point so i keep looking. Hope is a funny cunt. Enough ranting for one night and if ur looking for a point to this there is none. Then again the point to anything could be argued on a basic level. So keep creating pain for urselves but remember u get to stop it at anytime. Bunch of pussies if u ask me.