Calugula in exile

I've tried many place to find what i think i want and come up empty handed each time. As i sit here the nurse giving me a final hightly vitals check i realize the complete futility of it all. I wait for that woman i wait for new lung i perpetually wait for things i cant have. Here though lie the delimma if i give up on them there is nothing. No love no future. Maybe it's the drugs they have me on but i feel like I'm losing regardless of what i do. Just another hallow man t s elliot wrote about. The fear is gone but it's given way to indifference which terrifies me. Oh well my life is what it is i just thought i had more to give