So i get a call this morning from the insurance agency that's been denying me a med necessary for me to get a lung transplant for 2 yrs. They set up a meeting w my pulmonologist and tell me to bring my family support and a power of attorney bc they now want to give me the meds and set up the transplant. I've used lung disease as an excuse to stick a needle in my arm and then quit once they dangled a transplant in front of me like an award for sobriety. The problem comes now after 2 yrs of basically preparing to die i cut off all family and friends like an old dog that went to the woods to die. They let me go, and had to. I tried to kill myself through banging dope again and again knowing what lay ahead if i didn't. Now it's actually happening. Ive stayed sober and even work at a detox to remember how bad it gets. I lived a full life until i got sick but destroyed my soul along the way. 2 years of doing right and preparing to die w shrinks and drug counselors who both prepared for the worst. Now the guilt of why me? Why do i get to live and some other poor bastard die. I used that as some bullshit noble gesture to myself to aid the idea of my death. Still i fought for this. I cried myself to sleep like a bitch over it. My whole life ground to a halt physically when i got sick. Sex sports even the simplest tasks like walking have become difficult. My pussy isn't sore. I took it all like a champ and never stopped. I still go to work every fucking day bc i know if i don't I'll bang a hot shot and end it now. This has been the most fucked up story I've ever seen play out and i had to live it out of my car for 2yrs a rehab for 2yrs homeless shelter for 1yr and the last 2 in a court ordered rehab which has become the only home i have. I'm off papers and free to do as i please so here comes the only question that counts. How in the fuck do i go back to a mentality of security? Ive had a black cloud chasing me for 7 fucking yrs. Odysseus was a pussy. But again how does one give in to the idea that all is fine. I've embraced the shit world we live in out of the pure spite that it'd all be over soon. It will be one way or another but i don't know that i want it. I walked from everything i had and embraced indifferent solitude. I'm like the sad fuck who married his high school sweetheart who got fat and unfun 5 yrs later. I'm stuck w a reality I'm not sure i can or would ever want to change. People who know me treat me like I'm dying,cause i am, but now what. I've leaned on this broken crutch for too long. It's who i am now. Don't get me wrong i still have bullshit dreams but the reality is if i get this i still have a shit life, a crappy job i settled on, and a mind u can't just reprogram. In short sometimes it's better to just let dying dogs die. I try to be happy but i can't. What the fuck do u do when u let go of everything just to die right and they come in and say no 20 more yrs of this? My mind is fucked worse than sasha greys pussy. What's gonna happen? Who knows, we'll see.
6 years ago. June 28, 2017 at 7:53 AM
