My Submissive Heart and Soul

... my Wolf ... 

Make no mistake ... I am ... 

... my reminders ... 

A couple days ago marked my one year anniversary of coming to the cage.  After taking a few years of learning and trying to understand myself … I took that first step towards actively pursuing and searching for what I want for myself. I wouldn't change a thing, because I've learned so much.

As I’ve mentioned before, I had no idea then where this road would lead.  I hoped it would lead me to meeting people who had the same kinds of thoughts and needs and cravings as I did.  I hoped it would lead me to finding that one special person who wanted to share in this life and life in general with.  

Where it lead me to … has been more than I could ever imagine.  It has definitely lead me to a whole new world of self-discovery.  A world of meeting some amazing people, some are acquaintances, some are good friends and some have become so close to my heart that I cannot imagine my life without them in it, ever.  I believe that fate, karma, whatever/whoever you want to call it, brings people into our lives at a certain time for a reason. 

Some people are just for a time, to help us learn from them or just enjoy their company.  And that’s okay.

Sometimes, it is for longer.  Sometimes, the people brought into our lives are there to help us grow as a person and learn more and understand ourselves better. 

Because when we learn and understand ourselves more, we tend to be more understanding and tolerant of others, who are also on their own journey of self-discovery.  Some are exciting and exhilarating.  Some of what we learn are difficult, hard realizations.  But I do believe that even the difficult, hard realizations help us learn. They help us to either learn how to change a particular thought, or behaviour. 

But they can also help us come to more realistic expectations for ourselves. It helps us come to accept our realities. Doesn’t mean things may not change, but I’m a firm believer of trying not to set myself up for failure. 

Sometimes, easier said than done, believe me, I know.  Our hopes, wishes and dreams for ourselves allow us to test the waters, take those steps to see how far we can go.  Some paths take us further than others. Some come to dead-ends. 

That is when we have to decide to either sit down and give up and stay at that dead-end, or turn around and find a new path. The people we meet and our experiences on that path, teach us, help us in order to know what is realistic and what is not, when we start out on yet another new path.

Then, there are people brought into our lives, where our souls connect.  These are the people who take up residence in our hearts and will remain forever there. And for most, the number of people who reach this level of connection are few in numbers. 

Whether they are to be involved in our lives physically or emotionally for a long or short time is pre-determined. 

But, your connection and their presence in your life have such a profound effect, they will forever remain connected. Your souls will remain connected forever, regardless of geography or circumstance. 

These are the people who help us define who we become as people.  The things we feel and learn from them are life-altering. They are the people who make an imprint on your heart.  We want to keep them there, keep them in our lives.  When that is not to be, the pain is almost unbearable to feel that separation, but they will forever remain in our hearts, in that very special place.

I see how far I’ve come in this last year, I see the changes in me.  I see more acceptance in myself and who I am.  Both inside and out.  I’ve learned so much about myself. But I also see how far I still have to go. One day, hoping to always feel brave and courageous, not letting fear hold me back.  

Right now, I wonder if anything I want for myself will ever happen, it feels disheartening sometimes.  Because I want more, need more for myself.  

Feel like I’m losing my way a little right now and trying to find my balance.  Hope is frail but it’s hard to kill. It’s easy to give in to your fears, when you're blinded by it and can't see the way, through the rain. But there is a small, resilient voice in me that says,  hope is very near. "Courage is not the absence of fear ... but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear". I have tried to live my life with this belief. 

There can be miracles … When you believe … I want to believe.  

I want to believe that I can be unbreakable … I will have all I want, all I need … and that is, to know I am all someone wants and needs ... to make them unbreakable.  To say and hear the words "I'm here to stay".

Guess we'll see what the next year will hold.

Unbreakable – by Shane Filan

She finds it hard to trust someone
She's heard the words 'cause they've all been sung
She's the girl in the corner, She's the girl nobody loved

But I can't, I can't, can't stop thinking about you every day
And you can't, you can't, you can't listen to what people say
They don't know you baby, Don't know that you're amazing
But I'm here to stay I'm here to stay

When you lose your way and the fight is gone
Your heart starts to break and you need someone around now
Just close your eyes while I put my arms around you
And make you unbreakable

She stands in the rain, just to hide it all
If you ever turn around, I won't let you fall down now
I swear I'll find your smile then put my arms around you
And make you unbreakable

'Cause she's the girl that I never had, She's the heart that I wanted bad
The song I heard on the radio, That made me stop and think of her

And I can't, I can't, I can't concentrate anymore
And I need, I need, need to show her what her heart is for
It's been mistreated badly, Now her world has started
Falling apart
Falling apart

When you lose your way and the fight is gone
Your heart starts to break and you need someone around now
Just close your eyes while I put my arms around you
And make you unbreakable

She stands in the rain, just to hide it all
If you ever turn around, I won't let you fall down now
I swear I'll find your smile then put my arms around you
And make you unbreakable

You need to know, that somebody's there, all the time
I'd wait in line and I hope it's your, I can't walk away 'til your heart knows
That it's beautiful oh I hope you know, It's beautiful

When you lose your way and the fight is gone
Your heart starts to break and you need someone around now
Just close your eyes while I put my arms around you
And make you unbreakable

She stands in the rain, just to hide it all
If you ever turn around, I won't let you fall down now
I swear I'll find your smile then put my arms around you
And make you unbreakable

Yup ... me ...  

💖💖💖

So very true of me ... 

... Do this properly and you'll be the King of Her universe.  

... so very true 💗💗💗

I have used the analogy of how I have felt like the caterpillar becoming the butterfly for how things have unfolded for me in this past year or so.  Last I mentioned it, I felt like I was going through the radical metamorphis stage, the time of most change and transformation.  Also, the time of most struggle, pain and also, rest.  Because the change is so radical, the struggle also forces time of rest, in order to endure the final transformation. 

Well, these last few weeks, I feel I am at that final transformation and am ready to emerge … the new, beautiful and confident me … ready to test my wings and take flight.

What has happened in the last few weeks that has abetted this final shedding of the safety of my cocoon?? 

Well, a couple weeks ago … my step-father, one of my abusers passed away.

While it seemed and felt like that event took me 2 steps backward, the last couple of days have proven to be the most empowering for me. 

A close friend said to me “he cannot hurt you anymore; the only thing that can hold you back now … is you”.  And she is right.  Physically, he cannot hurt me anymore.  Emotionally, I have been, in these past few months, working through the final things I needed to face in order to move on completely.    

I realized the other day, my connection to him is gone … completely.  There no longer is any kind of connection to him.  The last couple of days, I have done A LOT of processing things in my head.  The other night, while perhaps not the best time of night to go walking (after midnight, but it’s a pretty safe area), while I was walking, at one point, I took a deep breath and as I let it out, I felt like the weight of 1,000 bricks left me.  I felt lighter, noticed my shoulders straighten, my pace quickened.  It was like there was a physical purge of all the energy spent these past days of tears, hurt, anger, etc.  Yesterday, I felt that much better.  I went for a late night walk again last night and felt that same release.

I realized, healing is not a destination, but a practice and an understanding. While I know I will still have times that those old feelings emerge, BUT, I will learn to push through my wounds instead of being paralized by them. My spirit will expand far past the edges of my pain. What happened to me does not define me.  My choices define me.  And I CHOOSE to be free from the way it can still affect my life.

I am in my 57th year now (58 is coming soon-yikes!), yet young in spirit. I have an ABUNDANCE OF LOVE and interests in life, the days are far too short for me. Yet, the child in me needs to be held, to be listened to.

I’ve given that little girl in me her voice, and let her tell her story. She has had a lot to say and I am learning to let her feelings come out in a healthy way. She deserves to have her feelings acknowledged. It’s time to give her the inner peace she has so desperately needed. She’s a part of who I am. I am proud of the things she survived, she endured a lot in her lifetime and still to be fighting is an extraordinary thing.

I deserve to experience and enjoy all the love, passion and excitement life has to offer.  I know it’s a process, it might take time, but it will happen. Only now, I will learn as I take flight!!

I feel I have shed the last of my cocoon.  I see my reflection, and what I see, is the beautiful woman I was born to be. I am ready to test my new wings and fly and reach my potential, as a woman, as a submissive, as a person.

To those who hurt me…

I can’t change the past, but I can move on from it. I don’t forgive either of you. I don’t feel forgiveness at all.  If I said I could forgive you, I’d be setting myself up for failure. All those feelings I had towards you, as well as the ones you made me feel towards myself, were like a blanket covering the real me. The fortress I built around my heart was high, and deep and strong. But a couple wonderful people have helped me remove the bricks and mortar of my fortress, slowly, as I've felt more safe. 

I’m separating myself from the unhealthy parts of my past that took root inside me, including the fear that I, for most of my life, let drive my own adult decisions when it came to relationships.

I won’t let that hold me back any longer.  No more holding back, no more fear of being vulnerable.  No more.

You deserve no credit for this. I survived a traumatic experience and violation, and came out an amazing, smart, driven, kind and beautiful woman.

However, you do not get to claim my success. I did this on my own. I’ve wasted too much time and energy on you and I've learned to put it towards fixing what you broke. Now that I have, I feel you should know what you caused, but as well as the result.

From,

The girl whose childhood you stole, the woman whose future you will not take.

You will NOT have my present or future.

I am choosing to stop suffering, to put down the burden that didn’t serve me. I am going to reclaim my power and look to the road ahead. I’ve learned a lot about myself, some of it through the eyes of other people, some of it through the transformation that has been taking place. 

Justice for me … is being happy in my life.

Being open to REAL LOVE, REAL JOY and all it has to offer.  And that is what I plan to do.  Open myself up to it all.

No more holding back, no more waiting.  No more fear of saying what I need or want.

I know what I want, what I need.  I also know what I don’t want and don’t need. And I am no longer going to be afraid to pursue it. 

My heart is open and free and full.  This beautiful butterfly is ready to fly and discover all the wonder there is. This woman is ready to embrace her life and all the LOVE and JOY she deserves to have and feel. 

Even I don’t know all I am capable of yet … but my oh my, lookout world, here I come!!  There’s a post that I saw recently, that puts into words exactly how I feel at the moment … 

💝💝💝💝💝💝

Music is in my soul. It is and has always been. It touches my soul. I was a professional singer for many years, everything from Opera, Gospel/Inspirational, Big Band. You get the idea. 

The words to songs resonate with me as much as the flow of notes. It takes my soul and my mind to a place I can't explain. Many times through my life, it has been my only refuge and solice. 

Promises made ...

The one I made to me ..

Now, I'm all in ..

I AM where I belong .. I AM free ..

My heart is open to you .. 

In what's true ..

The one beyond that promise ..
Yes .. that's me  ❤❤❤

This one resonates with how I feel since making the promise to myself to discover and embrace this part of me and stay true to myself.

Promises made, promises broken
That was my song
Only song that I knew
I never kept one
My heart was not open
No but now, you see me new

The rose beyond the promise
And all I've come to be
Because I kept that promise
The one I made to me

Promises made, promises broken
No that is not who I am
Now it's all in
What is unspoken
And all can believe once again

Rejoice, rejoice
We are one song one voice
And we are free

To sing
Sing strong
We know where we belong
No one can ever break you
When you see the promise through 

Promises made, promises broken
The only song
I ever knew
Now we're all in
And here with hearts open
Standing in what's true

The rose beyond that promise
Before you, yeah, that's me
And I'm delivering
Internally 
 
 
 ❤❤❤

The words in this song cannot be truer ... 

God Only Knows

Wide awake while the world is sound asleepin'
Too afraid of what might show up while you're dreamin'
Nobody, nobody, nobody sees you
Nobody, nobody, nobody would believe you
Every day you try to pick up all the pieces
All the memories, they somehow never leave you
Nobody, nobody, nobody sees you
Nobody, nobody, nobody would believe you
God only knows what you've been through
God only knows what they say about you
God only knows how it's killing you
But there's a kind of love that God only knows
God only knows what you've been through
God only knows what they say about you
God only knows the real you
There's a kind of love that God only knows
There's a kind of love that
There's a kind of love
You keep a cover over every single secret
So afraid if someone saw them they would leave
But somebody, somebody, somebody sees you
Somebody, somebody will never leave you
God only knows what you've been through
God only knows what they say about you
God only knows how it's killing you
But there's a kind of love that God only knows
God only knows what you've been through
God only knows what they say about you
God only knows the real you
There's a kind of love that God only knows
There's a kind of love that
There's a kind of love
There's a kind of love that
There's a kind of love
For the lonely, for the ashamed
The misunderstood, and the ones to blame
What if we could start over
We could start over
We could start over
Oh for the lonely, for the ashamed
The misunderstood, and the ones to blame
What if we could start over
We could start over
We could start over
'Cause there's a kind of love that God only knows
God only knows what you've been through
God only knows what they say about you
God only knows the real you
But there's a kind of love that God only knows
God only knows what you've been through
God only knows what they say about you
God only knows the real you
There's a kind of love that God only knows
There's a kind of love that
There's a kind of love
There's a kind of love that
There's a kind of love
God only knows where to find you
God only knows how to break through
God only knows the real you
There's a kind of love that God only knows

Be you a Dom .. a Master .. a Daddy... 

Making her laugh will always be one of the most rewarding parts of your job.

💖💖💖💖💖💖