It’s been a quiet day, cold and windy ... a great day to curl up under a blanket and watch a girl movie!
I watched a movie called the Age of Adeline. The storyline is a woman who, after an accident, stops aging. And as I watched this movie of this woman who didn’t age and spent over 80 years living a shell of a life, hiding her secret. Never allowing herself to get close enough to anyone to truly share her true self with. Never allowing herself to love deeply enough to trust anyone with her secret.
She did get married at one point, and had a child with that man. In the story he dies and she and her child are left alone. Her daughter becomes the only person who knows her secret and they are always self-protecting.
Not that she doesn’t have happy moments through her life, but any time someone gets too close or the relationship develops her fear kicks in and she runs. Then as fate would have it, years later she falls in love with a man who turns out to be the son of a man years ago, who was in love with her, and that time she ran as well. When he realizes that she’s the same woman from so many years ago that he loved he confronts her and begs her to stay for his son. But there’s a line he says to her and it resonated to me like writing on the wall “ all these years you’ve lived, but you’ve never had a life, Free Yourself, Stay”. . I’m sorry for ruining the end of the movie for anybody who hasn’t seen it, in the end she makes the decision to stop running, and makes the conscious choice to trust him with her true self, and truthfully, with her life. Trusting that he cares enough about her and he only wants the best for her.
As I watch the movie come to an end I realized the parallel of this whole movie to my life. This journey that I’m on has certainly become more than I ever expected. I see, how for so many years I’ve spent living a shell of a life, going through the motions. Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t all been bad, I’ve had some wonderful moments in my life, the birth of my son being the most significant. But with the exception of him, I never trusted anyone enough to let them in, to let them close enough to see the real me. Never close enough for anyone to ever know my secret. Until recently, almost a year ago to be exact.
And then a few short months later I met a man, a Dom, who is now my Master. I had already spent the last few years researching and reading as much as I could to learn and understand myself and who I really am. But that was all the theory, the practical part. It wasn’t until I met you Master, that my world opened up. I had no idea what to expect, sometimes I still don’t. As much as I was excited about pursuing this life, I was just as terrified.
There has been wonderment, joy, confusion, fears, excitement. I had the deer in the headlights syndrome, not knowing really where to turn and wanting to turn and run away out of fear. But you were so patient with me. You didn’t push, you didn’t rush, instead you held out your hand and waited for me to take hold of it by my own choice.
And for the first time in my life, I took a chance. I trusted, it was blind trust plain and simple. After talking awhile, I knew I had to take that step towards you if I wanted to truly embrace myself and embrace this life. And I am so grateful that I did. In these months since summer, for the first time ever, I am living my life… as the real me. Not to say that it hasn’t been like riding a roller coaster but the emotions I have opened myself up to have been real, true and raw. Emotions have flipped up and down and hit hard.
Some of them are love, completeness, freedom, adoration, the need to please, pride, but most of all, a feeling of finally “coming home". There have also been feelings of guilt, insecurities jealousy, failure, dependency, fear of inadequacy. Feeling disappointment in myself, fear of disappointing you.
But through it all, you have shown and proven to me that I can trust you. Trust you with my body, my emotions, my mind my thoughts and desires, and my heart. And I know that as we continue to move forward and discover, that you have my best interest at heart and just want me to happy in my submission to you and embrace and love the real me.
I don’t know what will happen next, what things we'll discover and learn, but I feel safe in discovering them with you Master.
There have been ups and downs and challenges.
The things I do know are the most important…
I can trust you, I am safe with you, I know that you accept me for me, with all my darkest secrets, desires, thoughts, I know they are safe with you and there is no judgement. And that you will guide me and teach me with caring and respect and love. And that you will not let me venture into anything that could bring me harm.
I know that this is just the tip of the iceberg and that I’m just starting out but I also know but I wouldn’t want to be doing it with anybody else Master.
So I guess I’m feeling a bit sentimental today after this movie, but everyday, know that I am so very thankful that we found each other.
