If You Care To Find Me, Look To The Western Sky...

Therapy-Yay or Nay?
Do you think that when a couple starts a relationship, they should attend couples therapy? i firmly believe it should be a requirement of the relationship, and then be utilized as needed. It doesn't mean you are crazy, weak, or whatever you might think. It would help so much in the communication department; one side can be saying the same thing over and over, and the other side hears it but isn't catching on or is completely struggling with what is being said. So, that leads to tension between the two, causing doubt.

There is a book I am currently reading titled Come Let Us Reason by Norman L. Geisler, and there is a passage that I have underlined, circled, and noted. It is an excerpt from Alice in Wonderland and a conversation with The Mad Hatter and March Hare-
"Then you should say what you mean," the March Hare went on. "I do : Alice hastily replied; "at least- as least I mean what I say- that's the same thing, you know."
"Not the same thing a bit!" said the Hatter "Why, you might as well say that 'I see what I eat' is the same thing as 'I eat what I see'
"You might just as well say" added the March Hare "that 'I like what I get' is the same thing as 'I get what I like!"
"You might just as well say" added the Dormouse. "That 'I breathe when I sleep' is the same thing as 'I sleep when I breathe'!"
"It is the same thing with you" said the Hatter

Confusing isn't it? Looks like a run around in the conversation of one trying to say the same thing. Many people have this conversation with their partner, which can lead to such a conflict. They may have a wonderful ability to have a productive conversation in so many areas of their life, but there might be one area of major importance that is a struggle, and both are trying to speak, but it is heard differently; it's not that the other is disregarding what the other says, or the importance of what is wanted, not at all. When I say, "i am struggling" or "i am not understanding," it does not mean i don't hear what is said or don't want to do what is said. Then more words fly and are told 'you really don't want to do this, otherwise you would just do it, it's not that hard or complicated' So the above book passage rang true to me.

i never thought i would be a person who would attend therapy. But in 2019 it became a reality. i was in a lot of pain from unresolved issues that i didn't know that i had. i thought i lived a happy healthy life, but Bishop pointed out that it wasn't what it seemed. So off to therapy, i went; Bishop said it was a requirement to attend therapy and do the work.

Therapy went very well, and my eyes were truly opened to the mental abuse i grew up with, which showed me how i acted in relationships, and Codependency- something i never knew of, what it was, or what it did.. So i attended sessions religiously, and got to a point where it became i didn't need it as much, and continued to work on my own, Then came along another set back, and i headed back in for weekly sessions, putting everything out on the table. I made a lot of discoveries and ways to navigate and i shared the highlights. Now i attend monthly, and can add more sessions as needed.
Therapy can and does help so much, and the stigma needs to be broken and thrown away. It helps beyond measure. Attend your sessions, encourage your partner, and attend couples sessions. Don't let each other down. If you want a happy, healthy, strong, kinky relationship, why wouldn't you participate for yourself and the "Greater Good"?

So as of late i have been in deep though, and reflections of myself and where i belong and stand in this world. There are so many thoughts and ideas that i want to share and talk about. But i do not want to word vomit all over the page and have no sense of direction with my ideas. i have been struggling for a long time and have neglected the one who owns my being, miscommunication being the biggest downfall.

i have been thinking of topics i would like to cover in my blog or in the forums. here are some of the topics i have been working on, mind you it is just a list and i have not begun writing on them so it is in the early stages. how will i ever learn and understand if i never learn and ask questions, as they say knowledge is power.

What Are Needs and Likes and Do They -vs- Each Other.

Where Do You Fail?

Taught or Told, How Should It Be?

No Expectations: Hurt or Help the relationship?

How To Be? Embracing Your Submission, So That It Doesn't Take Away From Your Dom

The Dance-Who Takes The Lead

How Does A Relationship Start: Is It A Good Idea To Start As A Couple and Explore Together ?

From Vanilla to Cookies and Cream: Starting As A Couple and Building The Dynamic Together?

Therapy- Yay or Nay (individual and as a couple)

Do You Do Things That Make You Feel Submissive, But Is Seen as Selfish and Not What Your Dom Sees as Submissive To Him?

This is just an idea list i have going and will begin writing on soon, as i learn more about myself and where i failed.

For the longest time I’ve had body image issues. Fluctuating the scale. Even had/have an eating disorder. Always the girl with pretty face. 

i was drawn to weights at a young age. Got a gift subscription to Muscle and Fitness magazine in jr high by an avid lifter and family friend. He knew i was a power house at a young age.  i lifted in High school, the power was amazing. There was just something about picking up the cold solid weights, the clanging of plates on the bar. i could build killer legs with ease. 

Time went on and babies were had and i tried to keep up, but life got in the way. I would go on and off with fitness. Then i got the itch again in 2015, committed to Body Beast and got strong, the 19inch calves were back!  

i soon slipped off the weight bench, slacked around again, but the love was always there.  I met Bishop and he to enjoyed weights also.  He always encouraged me to get back into it. 

then October of 2024 something kicked back in. i started lifting at home. Bishop got me kettlebells and other item and pushed me back into Body Beast. i slowly began lifting, barely making it 15 min. Then i had a medical issue where my BP skyrocketed, once again my fire began to flicker out. 

But i didn’t let it die, i started walking daily at work first a half mile then up to 3 miles a night. At home i set up my area with the new weight Bishop got me in December. i added in Pilates and cardio. i have been consistent now for over 3 months. Each day i lift and stretch. i feel powerful again. i have long way to go before i am where i want to be, by May i hope to have hit a major goal when i turn 50! 

it’s a slow and steady process and age plays into it also. But it’s something i need to and want to do.i want to be strong and powerful enough to tackle the world.

Right now I’m in ghost mode to the rest of the world, no one outside of this site knows I’ve been working out, or losing weight, no one. i talk to no one, i wear big comfy winter clothes everywhere i go. No one needs to know. This is my discipline to be a better me and understand my submissive nature. So i share with you all.  

just me myself and I, spent the night at the console, with 80’s country in the background. Alabama is probably the first band that I really listened to as young one.  His voice and the story they told through song. 

Oh this weather, we were spoiled with the calm start of winter, because now we are getting it. There hasn't been much snow, it is the wind, ice and some snow. I am so glad that I am no longer a Deputy. Having to stand outside in sub zero temps with the wind slamming into you at 50mph, while working a wreck. Trying to get people to slow down and find people who take to the country roads after the highways are closed and their GPS takes them down some minimally maintained road to get stuck.

Now I sit at the console, sending out the cavalry of EMS, Fire and Law. I sit up in my little office, shoes off, and sipping tea, all while making sure all are safe and accounted for. The only issue I have is driving back and forth to work, as of late it seems I drive there in good weather and by mornings break there is an ice blanket on on everything, so i creep on home. But the upside is if its too bad of weather, A deputy driving a Hummer can pick me up. I hated driving that thing, but it will get you there.

An early morning walk, well before the sun creeps to  the horizon.

A walk in the dark and in the cold of -5,  over a well worn and well known path, no light is needed.

The air is still and silent so everything in the distance can be heard. A bird of some type,  ruffling its feathers before taking flight.

there is nothing to fear as I walk the well known path.  

I received this song several years ago, along with a personal video.  And I knew 

I find it lovely when you scroll through songs and there is one that just truly stands out to you, and you know is says so much and means so much and you share it. Because sometimes you search for the right words but can’t find them, a song can do that to express what one feels 

this song holds my heart. 

Ahh the weekend. Two days to be snuggled up at home. . Music playing.  drowning out the howling bitter wind as snow and ice fall from the sky, I stand at the back window, coffee cup in hand, watching the branches of the apricot tree snap about. Blades of Buffalo grass peek out from the  blanket of snow and ice covered ground. Everything is incased in a light sheen of ice, which dances in the morning sunlight.  

My coffee cup warms my fingertips as I thaw  from being outside briefly.  I let a long deep sigh pass over my lips forming a  fog to rest on the window pane. I softly draw a tiny heart and smile. 

there is just something about these two when they sing together.  I cry happy tears. 

    I'm in a new career that I love, a spin-off of the previous one. I work from 7pm to 7am, with a schedule I like; in one week, I will work Monday and Tuesday, have Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday off, and then work Saturday and Sunday, then the following week, the days flip flop.
    Moving on to highlights of the past two years: I received a much-suspected diagnosis of ADHD and Binge Eating Disorder, and I am thrilled to finally have this diagnosis. We bought a 99-year-old farmhouse on the edge of town. We got married! Bishop and I were married on December 15, 2023. There was no color scheme, fancy dress, suit, tie, flowers, or reception, just at my eldest daughter's house with her and her husband signing as witnesses, followed up by a Facebook post to make it, you know, "official." While on our way home, I called in a to-go order for dinner at the local steak house; we enjoyed our quiet evening with steak, salmon, spicy cheese cubes, and, of course, our two dogs, Tah-a and Hades, begging for a bite. Bishop and Hades were back on the road the next day, and Tah-a and I went to bed as I worked that night; it was perfect.
    In 5 short months, I turn 50! I am excited about that and ready to embrace this next stage of my life. The upcoming year will be filled with learning and growth and sharing my love of Walt Disney World with Bishop as we plan a week-long trip to see the Mouse. Nothing will test a couple like a week-long trip to WDW that is in the planning stages; if you can survive Disney, you can survive anything, LOL.
    I've started on a list of books and videos Bishop assigned me. They are on the topics of logic and the principles of Bushido, which will make me think more deeply, understand what and why I do things, and challenge my thinking, not live on a superficial plane, to question everything I read and hear, to know what I stand for, and what I will fight for.
    I'm learning to embrace my submission to Bishop by listening, not jumping ahead, or thinking I can do it without help... He is my Dommanint, and I am his submissive. I love him deeply and cherish every aspect of him.
    I am learning to communicate better during conflicts. Communication has always been a problem of mine, most likely attributed to codependency and not wanting to ruffle feathers and keep the peace by keeping one's mouth shut. You see, in past relationships, if someone said, "I'm sorry," the conflict was expected to be swept under the rug and not brought up again, "that was that" even if there was still hurt and frustrations. Now, as I am learning and practicing healthy conflict resolution, and allowing myself to speak up, I'm realizing both persons can say they feel heard and understood.
    So here I am with MY Bishop, living my life for me and for us. I've let a lot go and realize what people mean or don't mean to me. I no longer have the time to be a people-pleaser, and I have no guilt for not inviting them to my table.
    I look forward to posting short stories, music videos of my at-the-moment mood, sharing our daily life, and whatever else might pop into my mind.