As I have been on a life changing journey, learning who I am, I had to look at what formed me the way that I am. I though that I had the perfect childhood, I thought the silent abuse I went through was normal. I thought it was normal for us to check the pilot light on the stove 10 times before leaving the house, I thought it was normal to be nice to everyone, and give to everyone. I thought it was normal for my mother to check how clean I was between my legs. I thought my life was normal. I thought I had no voice, even though I felt a bubble in my throat wanting to erupt from my mouth and tell everything I felt.
I thought I was normal I thought everyone lived this way. I never thought I was really abused, I thought I was OK, but I wasn't. I was on a downward spiral, I was seeking attention in all the wrong ways, I bit the hand that I loved so much so many times, I pounded on his chest so many times. I wanted to die many times, so many times. But he saw me and he pushed me and he pushed me hard and still pushes me, I carry on that power
I had to see myself before I could see the world. And let me tell you that was Hell, I didn't want to be broken, I wanted to be the healer, the one who could fix things. But I had to repair myself. I had to see my horror, my bad, my evil. But I also saw my beauty, and my heart and I found my voice. I was told that I must go to therapy, I was like I don't need therapy- I was wrong. I held back at first, but then It all started to come out and I spilled all the beans. I shared everything about myself and I learned.
I was shown books to read, and I gave major push back on reading them and I was not wanting to see I was "bad" that I was damaged, that i was doing evil things, that I was hurting others, that I was letting others hurt me, and use me. I was those things, I didn't want to be those things. I fought hard, I pounded on his armor over and over. I pushed myself and read the books that were given to me, I read other book on those topics, I used YouTube beyond music, watching videos of psychology, behaviors. I stopped blaming others, and and took hold that I was wrong that I acted poorly and that I hurt someone so dear to me.
I also forgave they ones who used me and abused me, those who were to protect me. They did not know better as they were not taught differently
I had to find myself, I'm not done, its never ending. But I no longer please people, I set boundaries, I have have a voice, and I use it. I don't engage in useless gossip at work, no longer thinking that I need to be apart of the little groups of the town.
I will never stop learning and being open and transparent with myself and with others that I allow in. I will fight for me, and I will fight and defend those I hold close. I will carry a shovel and not ask any questions if and when I am called.
I am happy caring for myself, caring for those I that I choose to care for. I do not care for everyone, I do not need a gaggle of friends. I love my silence, I love ME.
I am beyond thrilled that I am broken and that I am beautiful, that I have gathered my broken pieces and repaired myself. I love every flaw and crack, and the little open spaces that couldn't be filled.
Below are some songs I feel inside of me, and a long podcast from Dr. Gabor Mate, listening to him has opened my eyes even more.