Accidental Tie Up

there is this guy at my job who lives outside of the building in his van. He comes in, gets his food and tea and talks to people, then goes on the street maybe outside of an other building and hangs there. At first I was unsure and thought he was going to be like other homeless dudes asking people for money.

Time went by and I got to know him now we can just talk without weird silences or awkward pauses. 

Tonight is my last night on Long Island and  I’m sitting in the car outside my job and I parked next to his van. I didn’t see him at first but then saw him coming out of the store, got into his van but didn’t see me .

When he started the van and started backing up I tuned my head and waited until he looked my way then waved and acknowledged him.

Then the biggest smile appeared on his face, he waved back at me almost coming to a full stop and his hand just lingered waving at me for a long 3 seconds. Then he slowly backed up and honked his horn as he was leaving. 

His genuine happy face imprinted in my brain. As I smiled and uncontrollably mumbled “I love him”. 

It meant the world to me that seeing him smile for a whooping 3 second. 

Time stopped and everything was joy. I wasn’t thinking about anything at that moment I was just being and I was just in a pure state. 

You should come close to me tonight wayfarer
For I will be celebrating you.

Your beauty still causes me madness,
Keeps the neighbours complaining
When I start shouting in the middle of the night
Because I can't bear all this joy.

I will be giving birth to suns.
I will be holding forests upside down
Gently shaking soft animals from trees and burrows
Into my lap.

What you conceive as imagination
Does not exist for me.

Whatever you can do in a dream
Or on your mind-canvas

My hands can pull - alive - from my coat pocket.

But let's not talk about my divine world.

For what I most want to know
Tonight is:

All about
You.

Leave the familiar for a while.

Let your senses and bodies stretch out

Like a welcomed season

Onto the meadow and shores and hills.

Open up to the Roof.

Make a new watermark on your excitement

And love.

Like a blooming night flower,

Bestow your vital fragrance of happiness

And giving

Upon our intimate assembly.

Change rooms in your mind for a day.

All the hemispheres in existence

Lie beside an equator

In your heart.

Greet Yourself

In your thousand other forms

As you mount the hidden tide and travel

Back home.

All the hemispheres in heaven

Are sitting around a fire

Chatting

While stitching themselves together

Into the Great Circle inside of

You.

all my life I have been running away from people telling me what to do.

to be free and do what ever I want and say fuck everyone else.

At the same time I’m looking to be told what to do.

what is this ? Is this the meaning of submission ? Is it because I want the freedom but I want to freely give it to some one I deem worthy ?

or is it “what goes around comes around” like the things I didn’t like as a kid and love as an adult ?

Why am I looking to obey ? Why does it make me content?

or is it because when I was living with my parents they were the ones disciplining me and now that I’m on my own I realize that I need it ?

is it because I know I have the tools but I can’t focus on my own and need the discipline to achieve what I know I can be and do ?

These are the things circling my head.

Why do you obey?

last night something strange happened. I keep a note pad next to me at all times and I write down my dreams and I read them in the morning.

This morning I woke up with this and I don’t remember anything from it and/or remember waking up and writing it down.

it’s freaky even for a freak like me. 

“I can’t feel. I can’t taste. I can’t breath and I can’t see. I can’t move and I can’t swallow. I’m in my head alone again.I fear the fear,nothingness,Lack of self control and my own reflection.There is nothing around me.in a tunnel of darkness I chase the flickering light that never comes.
I can go places,see people and they are alway the way I want them to be and it feels real it feels more real than the air I used to breath.
Talking snakes and wolves and the wise owl is watching.” 

Intangible. Eternal. Without beginning nor end.
The nameless, formless energy that permeates all living things.
That sweeps through nature like a ripple in an ocean,
Sending cascades of timeless wonder through the air,
On the song of a bird, the freshness of the morning air.
A clear calling for our inner nature to awaken beyond our every day lives, and fears.
Love is timeless, love is purity.
It is the lightless light, the rays of the sunrise dancing on the surface of the sea.
Love is you, and love is me.
It is the deepest knowing,
The serenity of being, the laughter of the earth,
The limitless breath of the wind, the wonder of potential,
The power of thought, the gift of life, the highest vibration,
The most profound awareness... the knower.
Life. Love. Infinite. within you. Now. Always.
For it is in love's gentle embrace that we come to know the space between us.
A feeling deep within that not all is what it seems
That we bear witness to a magic as deep as our own,
To a summernight horizon that whispers 'welcome' to your soul.
And in those fleeting, trembling moments that we share between the worlds,
It is enough for us to know that in each other we must care,
For alive and not alone are we the children of the world,
Here to witness time and the unfolding miracle of the soul.
There is no difficulty that enough love will not conquer.
There is no disease that enough love cannot heal,
No door that enough love will not open,
No gulf that enough love will not bridge,
And no war that enough love will not throw down.
It makes no difference how deeply seated may be the trouble,
How hopeless the outcome, how muddled the tangle,
How great the mistake.
A sufficient realization of love will dissolve it all.
And if you could love enough,
You would be the happiest and most powerful person in the world.

A confused sub came before a wise Master who adored her. She felt that to submit to him would mean she would open her heart to unbearable pain should he ever leave her. She hungered for him and needed him, but was ready to walk away in panic.

The gentle Master knelt her before him and started a tale of love and devotion. As she looked up at him his arms began to widen and open like a large tree stretches its branches to the sky. At that moment the Master appeared rooted to the floor and his impressive size towered above her like a giant tree. Then he began to speak...

I'm here for you... now and always no matter how far time and space takes us... Whether you walk away from me today or you stay and serve me I will not turn from you. I am as patient as time itself; I will take not from you unless you give freely and completely of yourself, but I give onto you regardless-- for my love is unconditional...

Like the olive tree that can both feed you and shade you, I am there seemingly eternal to your short life on this earth. If you need my fruit to feed your hunger I will give you all the fruit you need. If your skin grows dry and loses its luster, the oil from my fruit will restore it and make it glisten. When you need comfort my leaves will gently caress your face with the slightest breeze. When you need discipline my branches will correct you when the wind blows strong. If you just need my shade to protect you from the sun, my branches will shade and protect you. If you need warmth at night my fallen branches will fuel the fire to keep you warm and safe. If you need a refreshing breeze my leaves will fan you and cool you. You are my gardener.

When you submit to me, you tend that which keeps me vibrant and full of life. When you kneel under me and till the soil, you give breath to my roots. When you water me, my sap flows strong through me raising my limping Branches. When you soil yourself collecting fertilizer with your bare hands, you strengthen and humble me with your devotion. Although my life will go on, life would not be the same without you.

Your dedication and unconditional care for me keeps me vibrant and nurtures my very core. The sustenance and protection I give you seems little reward for your servitude. Still the gardener serves the tree from her heart and the tree gives to her heart all that he can!

I am planted firmly on the ground and cannot follow you if you walk away from me.... But be assured I will survive. One hundred years later and two of your lifetimes; I will still be there, waiting for you in the same spot to offer you all that I do now.

Stay with me and be my gardener. You cannot get lost in me for we are complementary to each other. I am your devotion, and you give meaning to my existence. Apart we live life and survive; together we bloom eternally!

As the Master finished his last words the sub cried herself to sleep at his feet. That night, he stood planted there like the Olive tree offering her his unconditional love and protection as she slept. As she would tend to him with her devotion the next day... and everyday thereafter!