When discussing the topics of fraud, scammers and con artists in the BDSM community the discussion of Financial Domination/Financial Servitude is important. There are specific identifiers the separate healthy versus unhealthy relationships.
A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to meet a self identifying Financial Domme. She was happy to share her views and methods of financial domination. As part of her dynamic with her subs, she required two weekly "trubutes". One was a financial token or gift the other was something created, like a poem or art.
Though I am not a financially oriented Domme, here are some of my thoughts on Financial Domination.
- In this example, the "tributes" are really effective in creating the power exchange and adding to the D/s dynamic.
- Such small, regular gestures are probably not harmful and not much different from the act of taking some out to dinner or for some other activity. One difference being that in this instance, it is expected, but this is not uncommon in many aspects of D/s relationships.
Another example of Financial Domination is Financial Servitude. While this can take many shapes, one example of this could be a live in, 24/7 relationship where a submissive partner offers all financial income to the household to be used as Domme sees appropriate.
What makes these examples of Financial Domination okay in a D/s dynamic?
NEGOTIATE! NEGOTIATE! NEGOTIATE!
In these examples there are clearly defined expectations, ones a submissive is well aware of. They are being asked to participate in the relationship by making their own contributions. Presumably, this has all been discussed and is a partnership that works for all parties. This may seem like exploitation to some, but I have met men happy to live in financial servitude to a dominant partner, and this can be a healthy dynamic.
When does Financial Domination cross the line?
- The moment you feel uncomfortable with what is being asked of you.
Here are some red flags that could indicate you are a target for financial gain and not a real partner.
* No pre-established limits on financial contributions or limits that keep changing.
*Quid pro quo. Example, "I will train you but I need $200 to buy equipment/toys for you."
*Someone that is overly interested in specific and personal details of your life. (There is no reason a brand new partner will need information like your place of employment or last name) This information could be used to harass you or for blackmail purposes.
*making conditional promises, particularly ones that revolve around money or gift exchange.
*Emotional manipulation such as using gulit or desire to motivate particular action. Example, "I would love to take you on as my sub but my toy bag was stolen and I lost everying." (It is important to note that this is a gray area. Maybe someone is being honest. Maybe teasing and the manipulation of desire is part of your dynamic. It is also why it is important in the discussion. This type of fraud is much harder to identify than more obvious tactics)
Bottom line...Trust your instincts. If it feels wrong in any way, it is not a healthy dynamic. It is within your rights to ask for clarification or demand renegotiation of responsibilities and expectations for both parties. You have a right to protect yourself and be in a relationship that is good for you.
