All good things come to those who wait. That's the sentiment at least. I can be an exceptionally patient person in most things. I have a teenaged daughter that still speaks to me, and wants me in her life. That requires inexhaustible patience. I've earned my place in her heart with consistency and vulnerability. I can catch wounded animals because I can be still for long periods, and non-threatening. I have strangers unburden their woes to me in the grocery store too.... in general, I am approachable and, well, patient. Forward that footage a little, and shine that light onto a D/s connection, and I begin to feel frustration. In my defense, I've been alone for quite some time. I don't have it down to hours and minutes, but.... it's been a long time! Well over a year in fact. I know solitude has it's own form of peace and benefit; I've learned a lot about myself in my solitary form. I've learned about intentional thinking. I've learned I am enough. I can even say 'I'm pretty amazing' without blushing! Okay, so I still full body blush when I say it in front of others, but I've learned that it's the truth. I, am a deep and loveable woman, and don't feel overly proud or blustery for saying so. I am an excellent catch. I think my issues stem from the ongoing chase.
Last year I tried to pick up dating several times, and quickly put it back down. My daughter needed more of me, and she's a priority, and a great deal of joy. I socked away the feelings of loneliness, and figured that when the timing was right, I'd pick up where I left off, and go forward from there. Let's look at this several months later, and you come to my most recent attempt at navigating the wide world of dating. Internet dating in particular. I live in a smallish town, and to say my options for a mate are slim is generous. I don't have a problem with relocation, so I look for connections outside of my own backyard. My search is noble and good, so I'm pretty much willing to do whatever it takes to find a worthy Him to kneel before. I'm on a few dating sites. That sounds so lame! Whatever! It is what it is. For kicks and giggles, I have tried quite a few dating sites on for size. I had a really crappy experience on Tinder, and believe that site, generally speaking, doesn't promote what I'm after. I'm not looking for hook ups. I want long term returns, not a host of penis pictures in my 'In Box'. Swipe right and leave me be. Kthxbai! I have tried some high priced sites in order to weed through some of the faux Dom. You've got to be pretty serious to lay down $75 a month for connections. I'm pretty serious, so... there you go. I'm trying some other sites that friends and fellow seekers have suggested, and have managed to successfully intertwine special BDSM/D/s lingo into my profiles. I'm happy to say there are people out there that understand the code well. I may be looking for love in vanilla places, but I'm never going back to a vanilla arrangement again.
So... this last week has left me feeling frustrated (not sexually). I'm looking for a needle in a stack of needles, and I get tired of all the pricks. See what I did there? Yeesh... nevermind! I've got a few men in my zone that are interesting and interested. These are good things. It's the specificity of my quest that can sometimes leave me feeling lonelier than when I started. I sometimes tire of the 'My name is this, I do this for a living, I am....', you get my drift. It can get old pretty quickly. Trying to help, my sister-in-law asked if there was speed dating in Montana, and I had to laugh. No. As far as I know, there is no such thing here in the back 40, and I'm not even sure I'd go to such an event if there were. I know, I know.... how bad do I want it, right?
I want it pretty damned bad! I let my mind wander a little about how amazing submission is, and I feel my heart quicken. I think about how different sex is when in submission, and my heart speeds up some more. I picture myself kneeling by the front door, dinner nearly ready, and me waiting to welcome Him home, and I have to shut it all down. Sometimes it feels so illusive, that even a light breeze or glance in that direction will spook my chances. High yields take high energy, so each time I start talking to a man about what kind of D/s I'm looking for, I feel that buzzing or humming in my mind, and.... down it all comes as I go through one more 'number' before I can claim victory! I've had people try to cheer me up by saying it's a numbers game. They're right, but when the numbers are seemingly endless, it doesn't make me feel all that great.
My friends, I am at a place where I'm running a bit low on patience, and yesterday I found myself wondering when it will be my time again. I appreciate all of the encouragement and suggestions. I've taken to looking at the Sir sized hole in my heart as an opportunity, not a shackle, and that's helped a lot. But... yesterday I was adulting something painful, and I just got a bit fed up with the whole 'Patience is a virtue' thing. I'm doing better today, and feel peace about the search process, but hang it all! I can't help but feel I'd be even more peace filled if I had a Sir's lap to lay my head on, and expel the hard topics on my mind. Oh my golly do I miss submission some days!
Thanks for listening, friends!