Morbid blog tag much??? I guess I do! Here we go!
Last week, I was in the car with a friend, and we were listing all the things we used to do as a play group for our kids, when we drove past a place locals call 'The Duck Pond'. The ducks are there in bossy numbers and can be quite aggressive when people feed them bread scraps. It should be named 'The Dangerous Duck Pond'! Anyway... we're driving past the park area, and my friend says 'That's where lifeguard Calendar Girl swims!', and we started laughing about something very scary.
One early summer, we had a pack of kids and some moms come to the pond to play and swim. I have one child, but there were 5 other children who were regular attendees in that play group. That day, we had 4 other kids with us... ten in total. The mass of children made the mass of ducks go to the opposite side, and there was a lot of giggling and splashing that brought smiles to all of us. While playing, one of the floaty toys blew away from the 4th graders. The moms were very stern about letting it blow all the way across the pond where we could walk over and pick it up. One little lady didn't listen, and began to swim out toward the middle of the pond. I stood up when I saw her turn around to face us. She turned away again and tried to swim out toward the floaty again, but something wasn't right. I am not a lifeguard, but I did get a junior lifeguard certification when I was 12. I remembered the instructors telling us that drowning is generally silent. The swimmer tires, and begins to bob under. Most of their energy is being spent on catching the next breath, so calling out for help doesn't usually happen. I saw that little girl start to bob, and could see the panic in her eyes. The other kids got quiet too. I called out to her that I was coming, and jumped into the water after slipping my shoes off. It was horrifying to see her struggle! By the time I got to her, she'd already swallowed a bunch of water, and when I touched her with my outstretched arm, she violently clung to me just like the Lifeguards taught us to expect. I spoke softly to her while I turned her away from me, and let her rest on me as I floated. She just needed to catch her breath. She needed a calm voice to remind her that she was safe, and I just happened to be the mom who got to her. The two of us floating safely above the surface was almost magical. The sky looked endless as we floated, and the sounds around us were incredibly clear. I could hear people wondering if we were okay, and in between softly spoken encouragement to my little duck, I called out that we were safe. My loud voice seemed offensive given how quiet things had gotten. We made it safely back to shore, and that little duck rested maybe 15 minutes before asking to go out to swim again! Don't you love the fearless nature of most children?
I've been struggling a bit lately. I've been feeling moody, and almost dark. I've coiled inward on myself, and been silent about it. I'm not in such dire straits that self harm or other destructive behaviors have surfaced, but driving past that pond on Thursday, and being reminded of my sloshy lifeguard skills reminded me that if I'm not careful, I'll go down in silence. I don't want to be that girl, so I'm doing something about it. I'm speaking so that I don't go out so far that I cannot return to shore or the safe arms coming towards me.
It gets a bit dark. My loneliness, I mean. I am a social creature. Long bouts of solitude can mold me into a stronger person, but excessive loneliness will take me under. I know there is a Divine reason I'm not attached to anyone, just as I know there is a Divine encounter that will grow into healthy, loving D/s. Today I spoke out, and had a good friend reach out to make sure I don't drown in my own headspace. A fellow Cage-er offered some mentorship as well... it's meant a lot to me that both of these men would help me in my dry spell known as dating failure. This forum keeps me talking too, and I'm very glad I came across this site all those months ago. It is painful to be outside of active submission, but I'm surviving it well enough. Thanks to you guys, and the kink community in general.
I'm a lucky duck!
