Okay! So, Winter has come to my neck of the woods! I do feel like we live in Winterfell at times, and today is one of those frigid Wonderland kind of days. I actually love snow and cold nights beside a warm fire! I may not like shoveling snow while icicles form on my eyebrows, but the silence snow brings is mesmerizing, even if we're still miles away from Thanksgiving.
Today I enjoyed the quiet snow, doing chores, and folding small squares of vintage sheet music into the most adorable petals for a kusudama ball. I've had some chaos surrounding my daughter that has required me to be vulnerable as well as The Ass Kicker. Cleaning and/or crafting helps me step out of the darker moments in life, and I've been doing both for a few weeks now... crafting/cleaning and living with dark thoughts. Some stupid boy put his hands on my daughter, and I'll just admit to seeing red when it first happened. As many of us know, speaking out about your abuser often makes things feel even worse due to the seemingly endless amount of questions law enforcement and various authorities ask. It's been really hard to watch my amazing daughter go through the shame and guilt most abuse survivors feel. Being able to relate to what she is going through has left a profound mark on my soul too; being able to say 'Me too' kind of sucks. While I haven't said this to my girl, I feel the sexual assault she experienced will be only one in a number of inappropriate things that will happen to her. I took time to sit down and count the number of sexual assaults in my life, and just stopped counting after I got to five. It breaks my heart thinking of my daughter's pain, and the pain of so many others. It's equally as sad to know that most men won't speak out against sexual assaults.
I have had several moments of 'this world sucks' over the last month or so, and I'm feeling so.... exhausted by it all. Today my daughter called me between classes and before I answered I said a quick prayer that she wouldn't be in hysterics when I picked up. I kid you not.... over the last 2 weeks, I've gotten at least 2 hysterical phone calls a day, and have felt so completely powerless to save her! I won't go into how many times she's cried in my arms over this pain because these moments are numberless.... there have been SO many! With that call, and in a most tender way, God as I understand Him helped my girl pick up the phone just to tell me that she got the No Contact Order signed and felt really strong and positive about it! I teared up a little being so grateful for the change in her confidence! God knows how much she deserves some peace and tranquility!
After hanging up, I pondered how cold I have allowed myself to become since her attack. In crisis mode, I am cool, composed, and a deadly obstacle to anyone who threatens my people. I am really good in crises, but fall apart once the initial adrenaline subsides. Helping my girl get through the police questioning kept both of us feeling like things were just getting worse. A lot of private information was brought up during questioning, and I felt myself harden even further. How dare they dredge up private moments without her permission! I know, I know.... for the most part, the police have a thankless job. The police and school administrators had to ask her embarrassing questions because this stupid boy was throwing her under the bus at every turn. I thanked the Detective who took all of the statements, and thanked him specifically for doing such a good job with such a tender situation. I even thanked the Vice Principal for his time and effort even though I'm still pretty irritated I wasn't called in during their questioning of my daughter. She's almost 18, and there are no laws requiring anyone to notify me of any of those interviews. Yup.... it's pretty messed up.
I remain warm and strong for my daughter, but I've noticed I'm feeling cynical the last few days. I can feel myself getting colder as I go, and that's.... just.... not who I am inside. I am definitely not happy-go-lucky, but I am generally lighthearted and happy. I choose Joy. I think maybe in the middle of all of this chaos I've forgotten to be intentional about choosing a lighter path. I realized I was frowning today, and that showed me where I've become a little like the weather today; frigid. I don't want to be Frozen Girl! I wasn't built that way.
Folding countless pieces of square paper pieces into ornate parts of a complex ball really pulled me back to rights today. It takes 50 petals to make one kusudama/kissing ball. You need 5 petals to make one flower, and you need 10 flowers to make a 'ball'. I can fold the petals without looking at them much, so I've taken to watching a series or movie while I fold. When I'm in 'the zone', I can fold enough petals to make one ball in a few hours. I didn't stop to count my petals today, but I did have enough in the pile to begin forming the 10, five petaled flowers needed to make one sphere. I got a lot of relief from creating something from delicious smelling, vintage sheet music. Watching the snow fall from the comfort of my warm living room, I felt a bit of my heart thaw and want to be warm again. The nature of my solitary condition has also been making me feel cold and detached as well. In a lovely state of equilibrium this afternoon, I've seen where I am headed if I don't alter my thought process. I definitely don't want to be 'Frigid Girl', so I'm stopping that stuff right now. I fully anticipate tomorrow being an even better day too! (Even if we're going to be in the teens for tomorrow's highs) :)
Thanks for listening, friends! Here's to Joy!
calendar girl
