Do you know peace?
I was a seeker of peace my entire life. I have traveled down many roads trying to find it.
Religion: I never felt good enough. Even during church services, my mind would race with my own shortcomings.
Rescue: People say that rescuing animals is like trying to empty the ocean with a teaspoon. I've helped save a lot of animals, but it's never enough.
Shopping: The minutia that filled my spaces to distract me from my unhappiness. Momentary rushes of happy, but so fleeting.
Love: One failed marriage (HS sweetheart) and a failed 14 year vanilla passionless relationship.
Sex: Casual, fuck buddies, one night stands. How much sex until I fill the void?
Women: My history with dating females wasn't stellar. I chose poorly and settled for less than I really wanted.
BDSM: As a submissive, most successful, but my need for perfection often clouded my relationships. My constant need for reassurance of affection would become a burden for someone who loved me. Also the memory of my Master from the past haunted me and no one measured up. He and I found each other again after 17 years apart, and it has always felt as if we were never apart.
As a Dominant, a HOT MESS. Most of my attempts of being a top were disastrous. I knew for a long time that I was a switch, but my experiences were more funny that fulfilling. I realized that topping men was not an option and quickly made that clear if approached. I found that all the feelings of being a top would rise up during even vanilla dates with women, but as mentioned, it rarely went well.
Enter Laura...
I was smitten with her almost immediately. She made me laugh. She challenged my mind and pushed me to think outside the box, even though I thought I was a fairly liberal thinker. She pushed me away, all the while she would hold on by the very tips of her fingers. There were times when I wonder at how hard she would push. I knew I wanted her in my life, but was fearful that she wasn't ready, and she'd tell me straight out that she wasn't "you knew where I was at when we met".
We texted for over a month before we ever talked on the phone. She hated the phone but quickly it became our lifeline. I'm smiling at the memory of that first call, when I could almost sense her disappointment when she realized I didn't sound like Dixie Carter on Designing Women and called her out on it. I was going through things in my life, both professional and personal, but she was there. Always reassuring me that I could feel what I needed to feel, not to suppress my sadness or anger. "How can I better support you" I remember when I saw those words on my screen after a particularly long and emotionally exhausting rant. I didn't know how to answer her, but those words have become my touchstone. We helped each other through a lot of crap those first few months, things got ugly at times but we were always there for each other. We had a semblance of a dynamic, it was obvious that our sexual chemistry was there but I quickly realized that I had deeper feelings. When I finally told her, in the wee hours of the morning, right here in The Cage chatroom that I was falling in love with her and she said that she might be feeling the same, my life suddenly changed. I would sleep, the sleep of someone at peace. My mind no longer raced at the failings of my days. It seemed that I had found my missing piece. For 10 months, I've lived a dream and I'm terrified that I might wake up. Never have I known a more compassionate, beautiful, intelligent, sexy or loving person. What I have with her is the stuff that the poets write about, that singers sing about and better than any rom com movie you've ever seen. In 2 weeks I'll be waking up at home with her, our life together finally started. I don't bemoan the days of long distance, it gave us opportunity to work through things and come out stronger. I am excited that we will be growing in our dynamic and exploring more. Making her more and more mine, and I'm greedy that way, I'll only accept forever from her from here on out, and I'm so happy she's on board. The world is a little less scary with her by my side and curled up happily at my feet.
I want you to let these words seep into your soul and stay there. DO NOT GIVE UP, DO NOT SETTLE! The right person for you is out there, it might take a long time to find them, but they are there. Don't accept less than feeling safe, loved and complete... because it's possible, that's what love should feel like, not an overwhelming sense of not being good enough.
You see.... all these years of searching for peace.... I was actually searching for my missing piece...
