Healing, learning, finding true self

so i had to take a break from this page because of my mental health. ahh well back.

why im frustrated just read this annoyance of try to find a bdsm partner.

so i had a friend tell me his interested so i joined here to help me start. the first night he mentioned it it gave me the boost i needed to learn what i wanted. cool great. a late night learning all i can. sending him my findings. when he woke up he was annoyed claiming i assumed he knew nothing, could still be wrong here but ill explain why i assume he knows nothing. though he could just not be a talky person. cause ive always tried to engage him in talking, hitting a brick wall sucks. anyway. we moved on. i asked what he liked brick wall. anyway after awhile of teasing like i do best we finally agree to hook up, to see if we are compatable. hes had very little sex, where im experienced. so yeah he was awkward and couldnt kep it in. omg smallest guy ever! he may be over 7 ft but he wasnt gifted. but then again i like inexperienced guys, i truly do. but this was a first for me. i have nothing against small dicks, i have an issue with bad sex. i was willing to give it another go. i complemented him dispite my obvious lack of fun. but for me vanilla doesnt do much of anything and with him it was boring. sorry mate. so i upped my flirt game. by sending lingerie i liked and wanted to buy to wear for him, dom stuff, because he wanted to be a sub. his reply over the top and not appealing. what????????? so i asked again what does he as a sub want, replied i dont know really what ever you want to do to me. yep i swear he dont know as much as he says he does.

at the end of the day i realised the worst part. he just said he was into it for sex. damn. he even went as far to make me feel like crap for presuming he knew nothing. then he stopped replying. i got ghosted. was so mad i wanted to ghost back. but how haha. gave up trying to talk  to him after a few weeks. then it trigged a mental health episode. lasted a week or so but then life throw some more stuff at me and its been months since my last post.

my familys worried im going to be a mad rat lady when im forty. you know like the single crazy cat lady with 50 + cats. but im a rat person. every time i try to make friends or start a relatioship of any kind vinalla or bdsm etc. im either abused, treated like this or just my depression getting in the road. it sucks.

though going to end this on a positive note. ive started to play d&d with dad on a friday night. we needed players so i invited a friend to play. yeah dont know if it was a bad idea or not haha. im forming a crush. tonight while browsing lingerie. i couldnt stop distracting myslef of me wearing a knee length skirt garterbelt and stockings with a nerdy shirt haha. i always sit next to him. so the scene im thinking about is pulling my skirt up suductively and making sure he looks. then maybe one week bending in front of him and showing my g string. then i remember we are the youngest in the group consisting of my dad and others his age. would be awkward as fuck with dad being there. could do it on a week he isnt but dads my lift. then theres the fact the rest of the groups dads friends. would be different if it was just a bunch of oldies who werent my dads mates. ahh well maybe ill just find away to get him to drive me somewhere haha.

this crush only started to bloom because we play on the patio and a bug landed on me. im not bother like most people with bugs, my spiritualness is mother nature, so i was happy for the bug to chill on my knee. but he being like everyone else brushed it off, my heart fluttered. that and my knees are super sensitive and if someone touches them it turns me on. then i delibrately on the way out walked slow enough his hand accidentaly brushed my bum. yeah it looked innocient but i am not haha. since then its driving me crazy. doesnt help he has a wood cutter beard. i like beards and hes just smoking haha. mmm ill see him tomorrow i cant wait....

this crush is proving to me even though ive just had a few months of mental health stuggle that i am getting better. there was a while there i lost my sex drive and couldnt even think about talking to humans. now they are turning me on with a touch. sigh... off to dream land, with my new vibrator hehe.

omg my new vibrator!  i brought it because my drive came back and my old one just wasnt doing it for me. love new toys haha also brought a double ended dildo to try with a girlfriend but her anxiety makes her not great with meeting up it sucks i want to try it so bad hehe.

So the guy who wants to be my sub. Isnt into comuncation. 😡 so i give up. Why even bother. But i like him. But the more i try the more i see we arent compatible. So today i decided to move on and find someone who is more compatible. But how do you find someone near home? Im finding it hard enough to make friends. Ahh well. If anyone wants to be my friend i made a fb page just to talk about bdsm. Message if you want to be added. :) 

Ive always felt different to my friends. A kinda loner, didnt fit in, something about me was different. Yeah ive always been proud of that but being alone sucks. 

What ive wanted in a relationship. Didnt make sense to me let alone to my vanilla friends. Yeah every guy ive been with has been well immature and not there fault im 23 and i pick young guys. 😡 i thought i wanted experienced guy but too shy to look.

The more i learn about bdsm and myself, the more sane i feel. Im starting to feel normal, like i finally fit in. That im not alone. People feel the same way i do. 

*deep  confession* 

Part of my struggle with my mental health, is not knowing who i am. Narccisst boyfriends took advantage of that. So did the bullies at school from a young age. So i closed myself of from myself to protect myself. But the last few years ive focused on healing. Im finding my centre again finally. 

All i had to do was listen......

Sigh tonight at scouts. We had special guests. It was raining plus loads of kids. I was making lemonaide damper. Someone came up and spoke in my ear. He was asking what we were making. Turned it was a fireman... grey haired... but in uniform. Too old for my taste. But still a turn on. Later on i stood in the back listening to them chatting to the youth. The young one caught my eye. All married... but in uniform. What is about being in uniform that makes my knees weak. I had to shut of brain as it just wanted to image what i wanted to do to the young fire fighter. Mmmm. I just wanted a taste sadly they had an emergency so they had to go while i was distracted. I think i know what im going to think about when i go to bed tonight :p 

-Emotional and letting it out -

• So a guy im into and i decided to start a sexual relationship as neither are up to a relationship. He expresses he wants to be a sub. Cool i think on it. Do some research come here to learn more. Been talking to him for a few hours today asking questions. I had mad the assumption he knew nothing because of his lack of experience. I offered he punish me but no physical hitting of such. Bitting/hicky is my suggestion. I cant do that as im still healing from a sexual/physical/emotional abusive relationship. I be honest about it. I tell him my hard nos. He then says dont worry about the bdsm. Yeah i may have been forward and over excited. But he didnt want to talk about what he wants. Hes decided he wants just sexual fun. Ahh do the work to learn and get shut down. I feel like i only have crappy relationships. I try hard maybe its not the right time for me? Im a mess now. Though on the outside im okay. Spending time with my pets to help me feel better. I choose to be a dom to help gain some control within myself. I said he doesnt have to deal with my meal health just if i need a moment to stop and breathe to know its not him. Maybe ill just see where the fun sex goes with him and if im not ready for that ill just go back to friends. I dont know what to do. I made the effort again and got rejected again. How am i to be happy if when i try i get knocked down ahh sigh. Tomorrows a new day