A storm is coming,, feeling the beginnings of starting to spiral out of control. Trying to control/manage everything means I’m actually doing the opposite. I see it and logically recognize it, but my first reaction is to chase a number. Grab onto and manipulate, change, manage the first and easiest thing I can, like a security blanket its what I always grab onto.
I had hoped by this stage in my life there would be another coping mechanism. Lets be honest I had hoped there would be someone else, I could briefly pass control over to so I could just float for a bit and get a little closer to shore before attempting to stand. Yes, I am enough to weather the storm on my own. I am slightly afraid of what I will become once I get to the other side, but I am more than capable on my own to get through it all.
Due to circumstances I had to walk away for a bit. I didn’t realize how empty/alone it would make me feel. Thought I could do without any of it. Hating to admit it, but I guess it truly is apart of me after all that it isn’t just a phase. Now need to explore and try to find something tangibly real before I truly get lost on my number quest.
5 years ago. Tuesday, June 9, 2020 at 11:27 PM