I cant sleep.
I'm nauseous all the time.
I keep thinking "what the fuck am I doing?"
I am having a hard time staying focused on the fun.
What if I get asked "are there local groups you wont speak at?" I wont lie.
I need to slow down and remember that this is supposed to be joyful.
I have people that will be with beloved at all times.
I am preparing for her safety.
There ars some parts where she will stay in the car for her safety.
And whats running through me is "why am I doing this if I know walking in that she is unsafe?"
Am I that self absorbed?
What is wrong with me?
Shouldnt that be reason enough to say this isnt worth it.
My beloved is terrified of the upcoming weekend.
And I am conflicted and afraid.
I am doing this because I refuse to run.
I am doing this because this is my identity.
I am doing this because I have a right to be here.
I am doing this because it is my way of claiming a part of myself back.
Win, loose, draw. The outcome is out of my hands.
I just need some sleep so I can make sense of everything.
The contest is in 2 says.
Starts Friday at 7pm.
I need to get my shit together.