Our third and I are drifting apart.
Some days I am really okay with this.
Today it hurts. Real deep.
I actively started pulling away about 6 months ago.
I stopped talking. I stopped offering.
I made myself start focusing on other things.
They didn't notice.
Then last Friday I needed them. I really and legitimately needed them.
Being unemployed we are bouncing off shit. The neighbors are feeding the horses. Everything is on the verge of being shut off.
What little I can scrap from under the table jobs has kept the wolves at bay to this point. But not by much.
I needed to get papaerwork into the unemployment office by Friday end of day. We couldnt afford faxing. Our scanner died.
Im trying not to have a nervous breakdown as we have no health benefits and the neighbor made a special trip to our place just to say he was going to shoot our dog.
Add this to the mortage increase of 200$ a month and a debt in escrow to the tune of 900$ due by January 1st.
My beloved cant stop having nightmares. Which is one thing- because-- and I am taking a deep breath here---- I havent slept in days and the one time I did sleep I attacked my beloved in my sleep. I was deeply greatful that her screams woke me.
The next 6 months determine pretty much everything about our lives. Whether or not we lose the house and the horses. Whether Obsidian has to fold. Basically if the accident claims the rest of my life or not.
The stress has been over riding. I needed our third to step up. To say - I got you.
I didnt ask for money. I didnt ask for food. I didnt ask to be saved. I needed papers scanned to me so I could upload them to the unemployment site. I was ten minutes away.
I knew when I called the answer was going to be a no.
But it broke me. It broke me deep.
Then when I found out that they had spent their afternoon tracking down pot for a friend. Not busy at work like they said. I had no more fucks to give.
I needed this. I needed this badly.
I know its time. Its past time. Its been past time for a while.
I just havent had the guts or the energy or the ability.
Since the accident I have been holding on trying to fight for a life I dont have any more.
I have always said that a relationship lasts until their is no hope. There may still be love, lust, desire, fun- but when the hope dies its over.
So here I am. Lost. Spent. Trying to keep my head above water with concrete shoes.
Thanks for listening.
