A few years ago I began my anti racism journey.
I started by going through a course that lasted a couple of months. I did that course twice. And then I began attending monthly anti racism accountability classes.
This work in my life has changed me, defined me and has come to help me grow into the person that I always hoped I would be.
However I have come to find myself unwelcome. It was made very clear at the last meeting by the leaders.
I don't meditate. Meditation irritates me. It does not calm me.
I work this program relentlessly, fiercely and consistently. I want to be challenged. I want to be accountable.
And my assumption was if others are there they want the same thing.
This is a mistake. They don't want the same thing. They want to go to these classes so they can brag to their friends that they go to these classes. Then at the same time not change their behavior.
I am not saying I am perfect. I am not saying that I am not racist. I am not saying that I don't have a lot of work to do.
What I am saying is I come at this with an unrelenting spirit.
So I have decided to no longer go to the accountability classes.. I don't feel that I have much to learn from them anymore. I will attend the courses though, when I'm out of school.
This is a really painful decision. But I feel it is the right one for me to continue to grow.
I think mostly I'm hurt because in these classes I laid bare so many things that I struggled with.Things that I wouldn't or couldn't tell My beloved..
So to be unwelcome there there is a tough pill.
I am afraid of back sliding. Having my learning stilted. Or that I will stop pushing myself.
But mostly I am angry and hurt.
Im sure this will pass.
Thanks for listening...
