M/s 24/7

Am I the Ass- H0le?

2 years ago. September 30, 2022 at 9:53 PM

I could really use some insight here.

I have a friend who makes horrific decisions around men. Thier first husband was a serial killer ( no kidding) and their second is an alcoholic/drug addict, who claims to be a Master, but takes no accountability at any time.

They had been in a voluntary inpatient therapy program for a month. Although they did not have access their phone- I wrote them everyday. Sometimes several times a day. Wishing them luck, sending love, funny memes.

When they got out they didnt want to see anyone. I clarified with them if it was ok to keep sending good mornings and funny things. They said yes.

One day out of the blue- they wanted to come over. Sure!

I moved work around, we put on their favorite movie, and My beloved made some chili.

We sent some money as they agreed to pick up bread and cheese for us.

At some point I get a text asking if it was ok if a total stranger could come to our house. Because they "liked his vibe" .... I said no.

Then they didnt pick up the phone for the next 5 or so minutes.

I finally got them. When they said- that the universe spoke to them. Tgis person was walking on the side of the road. I went ballistic.

I mean I lost it. I went on to say "You mean to tell me that you let a total random stranger into your car? Where you have your car keys, drivers liscense with your address, pictures of your 16 year old daughter, and your housekeys?!?!? And you wanted to bring them here? What are you thinking?!?!?"

I was so angry, triggered, and in complete disbelief about her actions.

They said "I didn't know you when we first met"

I said "we met at an event then went out to dinner - in public- that is completely different then pucking up a random stranger and taking them home!"

Their response- "for the last 30 years the universe tells me who to help".

I was incredulous "you have a 16 years old daughter. What are you thinking? You put us in danger and her in danger"

I was done.

I dont remember how it ended.

They left the groceries at the gate, then drove off and spent the next 3 hours with this total stranger.

Got home at 1030 pm.

Texted My beloved that she was home.

I havent heard from them since.

I am shaking my head here. Im still angry, triggered, and astounded at this decision.

I would love any insight that you would like to share. Am I missing something?

I am so angry. I mean still. Trying to understand my own reaction. And their actions as well...

mab{His} - It always hard for external people to judge any given situation that they were not a part of, but my read is no.

You have a limit, and you were pushed to edge of it but the actions of this person. Which is never a good place to find yourself (unless with consent).

You won't feel like this for very long and at some point you'll realise you set a boundary and stuck to it. Congratulations.

I'll caveat the above with a pretty face value interpretation of your experience. But I genuinely think you did the right thing.

2 years ago

MasterBear(other butch) - Thank you for this

2 years ago

Bunnie - Yes, I believe you’re missing something. It is your trigger, and taking that out on your friend isn’t fair. I pick up hitchhikers. Where I come from and how I was raised, it’s considered kindness. I help people… again for the same reason. It’s ok if you don’t want to, or don’t feel safe to, but to judge someone to the point of hysterically being angry at them, I think is a bit much. I ended a friendship not long ago with someone I cherished dearly, because I began to recognise that he used my love of our friendship as a way of trying to manipulate me into making choices in life he wanted me to live by. Every time I made a choice he didn’t like, he threatened our friendship. I am not that kind of person. If I love someone, it is for who they are… regardless of whether I agree with their beliefs, choices or actions. The determining factor as to whether I choose to keep them in my life isn’t based on who they are as a person, that love will never change… it’s based on whether they can reciprocate me the same courtesy.

2 years ago

Bunnie - *asking to bring them to your house, however, I can understand you drawing the line at that.

2 years ago

MissBonnie(dom female){oz} - I pick up hitchhikers too. Its also how I was raised (wonder if this is cultural/location?). My thinking here is pretty much in alignment with Bunnies thinking so I wont add to it.
Picking up a hitchhiker? not to bad, yep its a risk but more often than not, they are just down on luck.
Inviting them to your place? BIG huge hell no from me
Are you an A@#$^ No, your just looking out for you and yours...thats never wrong but can be wrong when we treat friends as our property

2 years ago

MasterBear(other butch) - I agree 100%. I have a lot to think on here.

2 years ago

MasterBear(other butch) - Thats what I do not understand. I disagree with a lot of their decisions. As a friend I ask myself - what is my job here? I disengage from the outcome and listen. Something about this set me off badly. Im still triggered.

2 years ago

Bunnie - The fact that you’re willing to sit back and take stock is both awesome and suggests that you are a good friend. It can be super difficult in situations with addicts (?)/recovering addicts, or just any life circumstances really, to determine as mentioned above, how to set boundaries that value both yourself and them. I have faith in you :)

2 years ago

Sweetlydepraved(masochist female){I Guess } - I think am I the asshole is the wrong question to be asking yourself. Did you behave perfectly, no. Did they behave perfectly, no. I think that what you should be asking yourself is do I value this relationship enough to continue investing myself in it. Is this relationship good for you and your parter, and why? If not, then I would compassionately exit and accept that we can’t save everyone.

2 years ago

MasterBear(other butch) - I agree. Right now I cant see past my own triggers to evaluate anything. Thank you

2 years ago

Bunnie - Well said. Completely agree.

2 years ago

Purple Freesia - For a person who is often trapped by triggers I get the frustration between being a good/loyal friend and ignoring or paying attention to your instincts; however having and setting boundaries is always the right thing to do.

2 years ago

SirsBabyDoll(sub female){Pizza+☕} - Let's break this apart a little. As others have said, you set a boundary (no strangers at the house). Good for you. If I recall, you are the dominant in your relationship and so you have that natural protective instinct in you. Your friend sounds like a vulnerable person so your protective instincts kicked in.

Picking up hitchhikers? Depends on what they look like to me. I've needed rides before and so I've stuck out my thumb.

So the question is what from your past sent you into a panic? What are the similarities between the two situations? What messages as a child did you receive surrounding "stranger danger"? Has this happened before in varying degrees?

Only you can answer those questions.

2 years ago

MasterBear(other butch) - Thank you so much for this. Truly...

2 years ago

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MasterBear​(other butch)

M/s 24/7

Am I the Ass- H0le?

MasterBear(other butch)