First off I want to put a shout out to Savida, your blog inspired me to write this blog.
Last Friday night was the Snowball. It was put on by a group that I run called Obsidian. I keep a very strict ban list based on past and current behavior. So when my right hand came to me and said “hey I want to do a dance in November.” Well to be honest with you, I didn't want to do it. But they were so excited, so I said sure.
The Snowball was held in a local bar called Sidewinders. Sidewinders is amazing to our community. Multiple BDSM groups meet there for their weekly/monthly events and if you want a fundraiser for a BDSM community thing they are always welcoming. Sidewinders is a huge part of our BDSM Community here in Albuquerque.
So I talked to my right hand and I said “what about the Obsidian ban list, how is that going to handled?”
Right hand said she had talked to the bar and the bar was willing to work with us. So I thought “okay” and stupidly did not inquire any further. All of Obsidian events are in a controlled space. Either a host house or rented space. The space is all highly moderated and I always hold the door.
Except this night. I felt safe enough that my right hand had figured stuff out that I was at the cookie and information table within Obsidian space.
When entering Sidewinders for an event you have to come through the front door. I assumed there was going to be a certain amount of control. I was wrong. The night of the Snowball my right hand comes over to me and says (let's call them Asshat). Asshat is coming to the bar. They told my right hand that they didn't realize it was an Obsidian event until the last minute, but they didn’t want to cause any trouble. Asshat says that they just want to talk to R (the bar owner) and patron the bar.
Asshat is, and I openly admit this, drop dead gorgeous and extremely charismatic. So much so that it’s hard to see past that to the manipulative side that they have. I've seen their manipulative side in action before, so I knew exactly what Asshat was doing.
My right hand was absolutely adamant that Asshat didn’t want to cause any trouble. I was starting to get frustrated with her. I asked her “if Asshat didn't want to cause any trouble then they can come to the bar, speak to R, and leave us alone.”
Because this is my right hands event, I stepped back and said “you need to speak to R and figure this out”. After a little bit of time my right hand, R, and Asshat all decided it was okay for them to be in the bar if they were on the far side of the bar. They all also agreed that Asshat would not come into Obsidian space, which was very clearly marked.
The bar could not ban them from the night because they weren’t banned from the bar.
This whole thing put the Obsidian, the Bar, and R in a sticky situation. Asshat said that they were not here to cause any trouble and that all of this was fine.
I said to myself “wait for it…..”
Then the trouble started.
First Asshat was overheard by Obsidian members in the bar making phone calls and trashing our event and the bar.
Then they were seen by my love on the outside of the bar having a shit fit at anybody who would listen.
Next I see them not on the far side of the bar but in Obsidian space and holding court about their ban.
I see them escalating.
And I get internally pissed.
I took a deep breath and I told one of the Obsidian members that they are family with (their choice) “go tell Asshat if they are going to be in our space that they have to strip for us”.
The answer came back that they couldn't strip because they had a complex broken arm. It was in a sling. They would do a performance, though.
Fine.
They came in, performed, and deescalated.
Well I get home that night and I can't sleep. I am beyond livid at this. I'm very angry at my right hand.
It didn't matter what Asshat did. My right hand believed everything that came out of their mouth.
I said to her “Don’t listen to them. Watch them”.
Specifically if a woman tells them “no”, watch them, and they will show you who they are.
So first thing in the morning, which didn't matter to me because I never slept, I contacted my right hand.
I had to tell her that Obsidian could no longer do events at Sidewinders. It wasn’t that we weren’t going to have events there at all, it was just that Obsidian events are required to be more controlled.
She agreed and it was not a problem.
Then I went on to FetLife where I have the online Obsidian Group, and I put out an explanation. Why this person was allowed into our space and that they're still banned. Then encouraged everybody to publicly wright on the forum with their concerns or questions were so that we could all learn from this.
What sticks with me is because Asshat is gorgeous and charismatic and says all the right things, people ignore their behavior. If they weren’t there to cause trouble then they could have talked to R and left. But that wasn't what this was this was. This was I'm going to say all of the right things and then do whatever I damn well please.
I like to think maybe stupidly or blindly that telling them to perform in our space not only stopped them from trash-talking the bar and the event, but also made them look like an idiot in front of all of the people they had been espousing this wrongness to.
It certainly did deescalate them.
Overall it boils down to just another lesson for me and Obsidian. I don't mind not working with Sidewinders because I made a promise to those who come to Obsidian events about safe space. I also don't mind supporting my right hand should she choose to work with Sidewinders in the future.
There will always be more community work to do.