So we have decided not to go to the comunity meeting.Each of us individually and as a couple.
For me, a person's Behavior matters In the Heat of the Moment, and the luncheon after the competition was indeed the Heat of the Moment. But more than that a person's Behavior matters after the Heat of the Moment. What do ppl do WITH the information.
After the explosion at the bear luncheon where my love and I we're truly at our lowest. We knew that retribution was coming. We knew that nobody could stop it.
What I didn't count on, and I don't know why. Was people going right back to our abusers and telling them everything that was said.
Not from the big explosion, but the small private conversation that was had afterwards. I expected the big explosion to get back to our abusers it was too public. I did not anticipate our private words at a private table also being disclosed.
Don't know why I didn't see that coming. I think because we were so, how do I put this?
We were truly at the bottom of the barrel. I had falsely assumed that they would at least be discretion. Confidentiality was never discussed and I assumed the stories would get out.
After the luncheon we said okay let's have a get together let's see if we can fix this, in essence.
I did not factor in the people that we were actually talking to going right to our abusers.
48 hours after the luncheon my wife starts getting trolled on Facebook, and there was a bunch of other s*** that I won't get into here.
I however, did my part. I got in touch with the group and set up a time and a place. My thought was we are going to do this once, everybody's going to lie, and that'll be the end of my obligation.
Between confirming the date, time, place, and now was when it was confirmed that they had gone directly back to our abusers.
When it was confirmed to me that people that were at the intimate time at the table were going right back to our abusers I was triggered, stunned, and quite frankly scared.
And that's where they truly showed who they were and what their end product was.
Our emotional safety and our ability to be emotionally candid was a joke to them.
In essence, all I did was give are abusers more cannon fodder.
So I put out on the group text that my love and I would not be going. I outlined how the retribution has taken place since 48 Hours post the bear luncheon, and I let them know quite frankly we aren't safe at this meeting.
I got two responses. One ripped me apart for being a coward. And the other was a very political "I respect your decision".
No one asked how we were. I stated very plainly what retribution was and what we were going through since the bear luncheon.
And no one asked if we were okay.
Deciding not to interact is absolutely huge for me. This is actually the first time within community that I have chosen not to try to talk it out
It is the first time that I have chosen to not go and be as candid as I can be.
It is the first time I have actively said you, as a group, are unsafe for us.
I know in my heart that this is the right decision.
From watching what they did after the bear luncheon I knew that that was absolutely going to happen this time too.
So I'm struggling. I am struggling with the idea that I actually just may be a coward. I am struggling with the knowledge that if we went it would have ended bad and if we didn't go it would have ended bad.
I am struggling with the knowledge that our abusers win again.
So today I am hopeful to take the horses out driving. To try to make some sense out of my own self.
For me, my time is short. My time of mental Lucidity is even shorter.
So I have a couple of choices on how I spend that time. I can either go and be candid and honest and have that be abusive fodder and made out to be a joke. Or I can simply say no. This is no longer safe for us.
Then walk away and continue the work that I'm doing.
I'm writing this because I need a pair of eyes.
I need somebody else too look at this and put their opinion out there. Perhaps I am looking for validation. But the other thing that I'm looking for is accountability.
I honestly want to know what you think. Because when you disagree or agree with me it helps hold me accountable.
Thanks for reading.
