It has been a while since I have reached out to this community. I’ve taken a step back not only from the BDSM life style, but from the intense play that I use relish.
All for a very good reason.
In the last two years I have started down a path of healing and discovery. During this time, I worked with my therapist digging through my past and working towards the future. Together, we uncovered something hidden. Something I had buried inside for a long time, in hopes that it would wither away and die.
A very important person in my life broke the fragments of my reality and shook my childhood to its core. So much so that I blocked this disaster out for as long as I could.
Now…. It is all that I can think about.
When I am alone, when I go to sleep, and even more so when I play.
I go back to that space and shake in fear waiting for the pain and anxiety to pass. Begging for it to stop, for them to stop. Apologizing over and over again.
A little girl cowering in fear and pain, simply for crying for attention. I shield her in a warm pink light, watching from the outside.
This is where my mind goes as a crop stings my skin. Jumping as I hear it cut through the air. The very thing that use to send my blood racing with excitement and wet between my thighs.
But now that has been stolen from me. I don’t know if I can ever be in that space again, floating and happy. How do I move forward? Or should I give up the life that I love?
