Wrote this one like 2 weeks ago... Decided what the hell, why not.. So here we go: welcome to my stupid headspace.
So completely randomly, I got super overwhelmed and depressed. Moments before that I was just minding my own business and just fine. I don't even know what triggered this. So then I go and add songs to my headspace playlist. And I cried. Just so suddenly felt so insignificant and like I was a waste of space and what the hell was I doing with my life cause nothing I've done has really mattered to anyone but my immediate family. Heck I don't really matter that much to my mom and siblings. I know my Master and our boys love and care for me, but I can't quite shake this feeling.... Even when being completely rational about it.
Where do we put the things we want to hide from others? From ourselves? Is it really worth so much effort when it can burst through those chains and ruin out whole day? Our whole week or longer? What would your loved ones think of the things you throw away and hide in the deepest hole in your mind? Rest assured, everyone has at least one person who truly cares for them. They might be far away, but they are still there. And yet..... I sit so alone in a crowded room.
I try so hard to find someone who understands and completely gets it. Alas, it seams no matter who I talk to I just can't find what I'm looking for. Starting to think I never will. Guess I've just been to fucked in the head for anyone to really touch what's in there. And so, I hide it when I can until I can't.
Of course when it breaks free I just end up physically hiding from anyone else. Stuck in my head where I hate to be. People wonder why I have "obsessions" like kpop or reading. Hell even craving sex. I just want out of my head cause it's so dark in here. Don't worry, not suicidal and never will be. Once was I ever and I got over it. I'm a mom and a wife, so I know I'm loved an needed and that's all I need to not even remotely entertain a thought like that.
It's times like these I just wanna find a couple guys to fuck the shit out of me. Fuck me till my mind is blank. Unfortunately, not a likely possibility like ever. So I just deal with it however I can. I'm probably gonna try pushing the hell out of myself dancing like crazy. Starting feel like I'm headed for another stretch of not eating much and possibly either sleeping alot or not enough. Go figure.
I've told friends basically my life story and yet it's like they only grasp a portion of what it's done to me in my head. So much shit goes through it and I know some of it would probably shock people or make them not wanna be friends with me anymore. Like I said, very fucked in the head over all the shit I've been through.. And yet I don't really unload it all to anyone cause I look at it and feel like it's not actually as bad as it feels like to me.
I don't what would happen if I actually and truly spilled everything to a mental health professional. Honestly don't think there's much to fix much of it. Maybe the ptsd shit, maybe the actual depression and anxiety stuff.. But the rest? The parts that I shove away into a locked box? The shit some people wouldn't believe was in my head? Probably not.
It's been suggested I might have some kind of personality disorder.. If that's the case not a damn thing anyone can do about it. All I can do is try to hide it like I already do but better so it doesn't fuck with me so much. Hopefully anyways. But I'm scared of what would actually happen if I put all my cards on the table.
I do have a wonderful Master that has been a godsend in my life. I love him so much!🥰 But still, not actually sure I could tell him all the shit in my head. I've gone over some of it and so far he's been kinda understanding... Or at least as much as he's able to and I know it's not quite there. But I'll take what I can get.
I'm writting this and not even sure I'm gonna post it. Probably just a bit too crazy for here, even with the lifestyle.