Poems and musings of a slave

There's been alot going on with me and in my life over the last 6-8 months. It feels like its reaching towards a breaking point and I know that will end up being because of me. My mind has been quite chaotic and I'm not sure what to do about it. Realizing new things about me little by little. Today I wondered just how far I have come so I looked up my original bdsm tests and re-did the test today..  And wow! Did not expect the vastly HUGE difference between my first test and now. It's scary and I have no idea how to talk to master about it.

However, it does validate what I have been feeling inside, that I'm not the same person I was when my Master and I met and even a year ago.... So now knowing this I still don't know what to do next.... I know I will need to talk to my Master about everything but 1: worried about hurting him and 2: I don't want to say anything until I can figure it out myself... Nothing like having a super serious conversation and not knowing the direction you need to take it in.

So yeah, here I am at a crossroads and not sure exactly what it all is that I want/need anymore, not sure how to approach and talk to Master about it, and just plain scared of the whole situation 😞 Definitely in need of some kind of guidance but I honestly not sure where to turn to😞😞😞😞😞

Wrote this one like 2 weeks ago... Decided what the hell, why not.. So here we go: welcome to my stupid headspace.

So completely randomly, I got super overwhelmed and depressed. Moments before that I was just minding my own business and just fine. I don't even know what triggered this. So then I go and add songs to my headspace playlist. And I cried. Just so suddenly felt so insignificant and like I was a waste of space and what the hell was I doing with my life cause nothing I've done has really mattered to anyone but my immediate family. Heck I don't really matter that much to my mom and siblings. I know my Master and our boys love and care for me, but I can't quite shake this feeling.... Even when being completely rational about it.

Where do we put the things we want to hide from others? From ourselves? Is it really worth so much effort when it can burst through those chains and ruin out whole day? Our whole week or longer? What would your loved ones think of the things you throw away and hide in the deepest hole in your mind? Rest assured, everyone has at least one person who truly cares for them. They might be far away, but they are still there. And yet..... I sit so alone in a crowded room.

I try so hard to find someone who understands and completely gets it. Alas, it seams no matter who I talk to I just can't find what I'm looking for. Starting to think I never will. Guess I've just been to fucked in the head for anyone to really touch what's in there. And so, I hide it when I can until I can't.

Of course when it breaks free I just end up physically hiding from anyone else. Stuck in my head where I hate to be. People wonder why I have "obsessions" like kpop or reading. Hell even craving sex. I just want out of my head cause it's so dark in here. Don't worry, not suicidal and never will be. Once was I ever and I got over it. I'm a mom and a wife, so I know I'm loved an needed and that's all I need to not even remotely entertain a thought like that.

It's times like these I just wanna find a couple guys to fuck the shit out of me. Fuck me till my mind is blank. Unfortunately, not a likely possibility like ever. So I just deal with it however I can. I'm probably gonna try pushing the hell out of myself dancing like crazy. Starting feel like I'm headed for another stretch of not eating much and possibly either sleeping alot or not enough. Go figure.

I've told friends basically my life story and yet it's like they only grasp a portion of what it's done to me in my head. So much shit goes through it and I know some of it would probably shock people or make them not wanna be friends with me anymore. Like I said, very fucked in the head over all the shit I've been through.. And yet I don't really unload it all to anyone cause I look at it and feel like it's not actually as bad as it feels like to me.

I don't what would happen if I actually and truly spilled everything to a mental health professional. Honestly don't think there's much to fix much of it. Maybe the ptsd shit, maybe the actual depression and anxiety stuff.. But the rest? The parts that I shove away into a locked box? The shit some people wouldn't believe was in my head? Probably not.

It's been suggested I might have some kind of personality disorder.. If that's the case not a damn thing anyone can do about it. All I can do is try to hide it like I already do but better so it doesn't fuck with me so much. Hopefully anyways. But I'm scared of what would actually happen if I put all my cards on the table.

I do have a wonderful Master that has been a godsend in my life. I love him so much!🥰 But still, not actually sure I could tell him all the shit in my head. I've gone over some of it and so far he's been kinda understanding... Or at least as much as he's able to and I know it's not quite there. But I'll take what I can get. 

I'm writting this and not even sure I'm gonna post it. Probably just a bit too crazy for here, even with the lifestyle.

Another I wrote like a month ago. It's short but eh, whatever.

And once again out of nowhere my headspace kicks in the front door of my mind..   Cause of COURSE it did🙄 Course, finding out that a pro wrestler(Daffney from TNA) that I met in person just died didn't help in the slightest... Honestly, probably what spiked this crap. I hate it when my BPD over rides my meds to fuck with me... Wish could get rid of it and the others.... Maybe then I could truly enjoy every possible part of my life without randomly going into a depressive/melacony phase🙄

Wrote this like 2 months ago and never published it. This crap still happens though🤦‍♀️ Good luck reading word vomit...

"Isn't lovely, all alone. Heart full of glass my mind of stone. Tear me to pieces, skin and bone. Hello, welcome home."
-Lovely by Billie eilish & kahlid

"Cause I'm acting like it's alright, walking circles trying to find. Tell me why, tell me why. I'll keep saying that I don't mind, with these eyes I'm trying to deny. Tell me why, I'll be standing here... With these hands, hands behind my back. These hands won't let me go..."

-Hands behind my back by Amber Liu

"Smoky, I'm tryin' to start again. Smoky, I'll take all the pain. Smoky, I'm tryn' to smile again yeah..... (Next part translated from korean) Smoky, I can't see myself again. Smoky, come on and hold my hand again. Smoky, I'll wait for you there...."

-Smoky by Joohoney

"Oh damn. Volume way up on my phone and,Next to my head on the floor and, Beats on repeat.The rain tap dancin' on my windowpane. Whoever said no pain, no gain.. Don't know pain, Intimately like I do, As infinitely as I do. Been lied about and lied to, Too many times to fight it. Some bridges were built to burn, No need to help ignite it. A party of one or party of none, Please keep me disinvited. Tuck you in, As I tuck another tear behind my eyelids. Good night."

-Lullaby for a cat by Epik high

Feeling a little numb right now. Today was a huge cluster fuck of running around like a chicken with my head cut off... The running around is pretty much done so now, of course, my head wants to mess with me🤦‍♀️ Oh how I wish it would just leave me alone.

Got those I love the most around me and I still feel so damn alone and frustrated 

So, I had been in a pretty depressive state after my Master went back on the road in September. I had really been struggling with it and couldn't figure a way out. Facebook then suprised me with a suggested video. Kpop band Super M's music video for their song "One(monster & Infinity)". It was here I found a new passion that helped so much during those dark times when he wasn't able to be home.

From there I found a beautiful soul, Taemin. I ligit have never felt so much from listening to music in my life. I've always said music is life, cause for me it always have been. With Taemin came his group SHINEE, and they have become quite the shining light in my life(other than my Master and my boys of course).

My Master says I'm obsessed lol. I have tried to show him that basically all kpop fans are lol. In general, this isn't a bad thing. So many people see obsessed as a bad thing, but it can't be bad if it makes them happy and find inspiration. That's exactly what my favs have done for me. 

Because I'm empath and have always had music as a big part of my life, finding music that moves me like favs do, it's like a God send. I don't even have to know what the words mean to feel the emotion behind the music. Their voices carry so much emotion and the matching lyrics make it unlike any music I've ever felt connected to.

Probe the biggest difference between kpop and like every other type of music I've usually listened to is the way the idols(artists) react with their fans. They truly show as much of a devotion to their fans as their fans do for them. IG lives, Twitter, and the specific apps that the kpop world has come up with(we verse, vlive, bubble, lypsn, ect): they interact with their fans sharing their everyday lives, thoughts/feelings, and just general appreciation for those who support them.

My ultimate fav is Taemin and his group SHINee is my fav group. They have been around for 13 years. Taemin, himself, has been non-stop making music, having conserts, acting, modeling, and being on "reality" shows this whole time. He only recently(May 31) had to take leave for military service. His other 3 members of SHINee he'd been in their military service from end of 2018 till the end of last year.

Yes, I geek out over them lol. I got lucky enough to see Taemin in his last consert before leave(online of course). I even was able to get the hoodie that went along with the consert. As much as I do miss the man, I am still able to surround myself with the music of kpop while he's gone.

So, through this music I have been able to break out of (mostly) my depression to the point that I'm working towards a healthier me. I've needed to loose weight for a while and I'm finally getting to do so with the inspiration from kpop. It helped me kinda re-discover my love of dancing again. My docs are happy that I've been dropping some of the weight that I actually did need to loose(down 13lbs!). 

There's just something in the way kpop music makes me feel that I just want to dance with it. Be that "sexy" dancing or ballet type or just a mix of both. I've even been entertaining the thought of recording myself and putting it on YouTube lol. Just for fun and hoping other kpop lovers enjoy it too. I have found something that has helped me drawn myself out of the dark that is depression(anxiety is a whole other animal).

I know this is lengthy, but hey, I can do what I want right? Lol. I do talk about it alot though lol. Honestly cause I just wanna share such amazing music with others. I do know that my fav group, SHINee, really is a cut above the rest. Their music, style, personalities, lyrics are truly on a different level. They are quite literally trend setters in kpop. And my ultimate fav, Taemin? He is literally called idol of idols... Those who came before him adore and admire him and those that came after look up to him and use him as inspiration to be better.

And just like that, he inspires his fans in the same way. Most kpop idols inspire their fans so much. These idols generally speak like a minimum of 3 languages: korean, Japanese, and english(some better than others). Some idols know far more than that. Idols generally are so talented as to be able to rap, sing, and dance so well. The way the interact with their fans also helps with the loyalty we kpop fans have for them.

My fav, Taemin also has this amazing ability to pull off being soooo pretty(and I do mean pretty) AND hansome/sexy. He can pull off wearing cloths that are feminine and masculine at the same time(it's hard but he does it). He can pull of long hair too lol. His music and music videos are really pure artistic talent and his dancing? Phenomenal! His singing? He can pull of rocker vibes, angel vibes, sexy vibes, and his ballads are just amazing🥰

I know I'm going a bit nuts with all this explanation lol... Ultimately though, kpop has honestly helped with my quality of life and it's just getting better. It's helped me relax when I'm having anxiety issues, helped lift me up when I'm feeling depressive, helped me feel like I'm not alone cause the lyrics fit how I might be feeling, helped motivate me and stay motivated, and even given me new songs to share with my Master about how I feel about him and our relationship 🥰

Okay, I'm done for now lol

Been busting my ass today packing. With the help of my boys I've managed to go from like 50% packed to 80-90% packed. I'm frustrated cause I've been so much on pack mode that I forgot to go get my new med my psych doc gave me🤦‍♀️ Gotta love manic phase🙄 I'm excited for the new chapter of my new(ish) self- since metting my Master-. The last and final step to leaving my old self behind in the past where she belongs. 

And yet? I'm scared. This is literally the biggest event if my whole life. I've been married, been divorced, had kids, moved around my whole life, even did a bit of millitary service.... But this? This is on a whole other level than anything I've ever done before.

This will most definitely be the true test to see how strong I actually am. Away from familiar surroundings and old habits/friends to fall on, I'll see for real how wide I can spread my wings... Just hoping I can fly instead of fall..  Although I'd probably survive a fall as all I've ever done my whole life is survive. I'm ready to actually live for once.

I'm just a whole mix of conflicting feelings and thoughts. When anyone asks me if I still wanna go I always say yes without hesitation. When I'm alone? All those battling thoughts crawl in and make me feel like I'm at war. Logically I know it's just stupid crap, but some moments I can't help but break down crying. Wish my head would leave me alone. 

So I try to distract myself... Just hope I can hold it together till my Master gets home.. I know once he's home I'll be able to relax cause he always drowns out the crap in my head. Hopefully he should be home tomorrow night... Really and truly can't wait.

I don't wanna get out of bed. I don't wanna be awake. I don't wanna deal with all this packing that needs to be done. I don't wanna deal with figuring out what to make to eat. I don't wanna be alone. I don't wanna be near anyone. I'm scared. I'm tired. I'm lonely.... I don't want to live in my head right now... But it's literally all I have.

Sent this to a friend. No answer. So I unset it. Like, rationally I know he'd answer eventually and be there for support. But, that's the problem with having all these stupid ass diagnosis... So damn many conflictions on feelings and choices and just everything.... I know I'm very loved. Got enough loved ones that show me that.

I'm on a path that's leading to the biggest change in my life: not just moving out of state, but moving half way across the us(east coast to mid west) where I know 0 people... Not even family. Ligit first time in my life. Also new weather patterns I've never had to deal with too(north vs upper south). Hotter and like 90ins less snowfall a year. 

My mind is going a million miles a second  and being sluggish at the same time(don't ask me how that works). I have people near me but feel completely alone. I do actually love my life right now, which makes this even more frustrating. 

I'm so terrified it's not funny and I feel like I can't really say much. I know my Master will just say to give it all to him... I try so hard to not let things bother me and to trust him That everything will be okay. Logically I know he's right. And yet? I feel like I'm drowning even with the life preserver that is my support system😞

On top of all this I just got my period😞 this next week is gonna be hell... Not even sure how to deal with all this right now... It's so much and I've never had such a stressful time ever... Even when I left my exes who were abusive... I'm trying so hard to keep calm and do what I need to.. And generally I'm succeeding doing so.

I do know one thing, I got my med doc appointment tomorrow. Definitely gonna ask for something extra to try to deal with this shit. I know it's only temporary cause stuff built up like this always is. I got so damn much to do and unfortunately, I'm generally the only one who can do most of it.

Worst is I know this is gonna kick off a major manic phase.. Who knows how long it'll last. I mean I've had a semi small one since June, but that's kinda faded in a way. With all the info dropped on me the last 48 hours, I know just what that's gonna mean.. I also know there's nothing I can do about it except ride it out. 

I know my Master will probably end up frustrated with me cause I know there's rules I'm probably gonna break. I hate that I can see what's coming and know that I really am gonna be basically powerless to stop it.. And why that would be if I can see it coming you ask? Cause I've already dealt with it before and I know no matter how hard I've tried fighting it I always lose.

I now I'm gonna have to warn my Master about what's coming and I know he's gonna try to say what he can to try to stop it too. And when it proves me right he's gonna feel helpless and I hate that I know that's how it's gonna be. On the other side this, I know it's just how my brain deals with high stress situations. That it's just doing what it feels it needs to so I can survive it without too much damage.

I know it's already started too, which sucks. What also sucks is I'm pretty sure even with whatever my doc tries to give me to help still won't stop the manic phase. I don't know anyone with my same issues that has ever really been able to stop a manic phase completely. Only upside I can see is I'll have the energy to get through all this and get shit done, as always when manic hits me.

It's nice having an outlet to put thoughts out of my head, even if it's for a short time. I know I'll survive cause that's what I've done my whole life: survive.

I really hate being right sometimes... In particular that I won't be lucky enough to have a significant other that truly and really cares to understand what goes on in my head.. As much as I hate this, I'm used to it... But hey, at least in this relationship I don't have to worry about being abused or actually mistreated. I know that I'm loved very much cause he shows that all the time... He just doesn't get the crap in my head and cause there's not anything he can do to change what goes on, me trying to show him songs or whatever just isn't important enough to grasp what I'm trying to show him..

I love my Master and I know without a doubt that he loves me and wants to protect and guide me. I know that frustrates him to ko end when he comes up against something he can't change or help fix when it comes to me. The training that we have done thus far has had nothing to do with the several diagnosis of mental heath that I have. The worst part about them is therapy and meds only do so much.😞

I've been so blessed with my Master as my life only keeps getting better and moving forward to a life I've always wanted. I just wish there was something I could to help him understand me and understand that learning about what's in my head actually matters enough to make a better effort to understand it. I sent him a playlist of songs that's basically describe what goes on in my head.... Yes a bunch of the songs are in Korean or Japanese, but that's what looking up the lyrics are for. Heck just by listening to the songs you can feel some of the feelings they are trying to convay. And yet.... He still had not listened to them till I turned them on today- I gave him the playlist weeks ago😞😞

And so, welcome home my dear shadowed mask. Only real comfort I've had for life and I guess it's here to stay. So silly of me to think I could ever leave it behind. I'll survive and "be what they want me to be, what they think they see"... It's what I've always done, one of the few things I Excell at. Only behind closed doors and shuttered eyes will I be able to cradle what I truly feel inside and try to soothe it for another playing the part I've been given. Unlike the song "lovely" by Billie eillish and Khalid, I won't ever make it out of "there".... Every part of my life has proven this, so "hello welcome home." 💜

Lost in my headspace lately. I thought I was over this feeling, but this weekend showed me different. I don't know how many people, if anybody could truly understand what's going on in my head. This last weekend was so hard for me. Honestly I can't remember any being this hard before. I usually try to just focus on my boys and where we are at that point, which right now and for the future is my husband who adopted my younger son(older is an adult and didn't really care about being adopted at this point). 

But for me, it has a different meaning than for my boys. I kinda got blindsighted by a post in one of my FB groups about not having a father and whatnot. Kinda felt like a punch to the gut. My bio-father was non-existant and then died when I was in 5th grade. There has only been one man that I've called Dad and truly ment it and he treated me as a daughter even after I left and divorced his son. When he died I wasn't able to grieve due to the person I was with.

So this feeling I got stuck with was of pure grief and loneliness cause I feel like noone(even my siblings) can understand what's going on in my head over this. This year I barely acknowledged the day my bio-dad died. Didn't plan to think about that this year on father's day either.

So many thoughts and feelings over al this run through my head and it's hard to put them into words. Honestly, with all the other stuff going on I have to once again shove it down under lock and key until the craziness is over or at least less than it is right now.

I got all these thoughts in my head running around playing tag. The amount of times I've cried over the last 48 hours is crazy, and it's not all about the same thing. Although, a good chunk is from the death of my nefew's father/ little sister's ex-husband. Which, of course, brought up my own father's death. Which apparently he's the center of all my main trama😞(or so my therapist tells me after a few sessions of EMDR).

Got feelings of failure. Worry about paying for final car repairs. Realizing I only got a month before I move🤯 and hardly much packing done. Recently been so into kpop it's not funny, and it's bringing up my love of dance and how much I always wanted to be a dancer. Which, of course, brings up my issue with my weight(I actually do need to loose some). Then, cause why not, my back wants to hurt like hell when I do dance even it's for only like 10-15 mins😞😞😞😞. 

Worry about my health cause it feels like no matter how I try, my cholesterol and bp suck ass. Picking up whatever hours I can at work(tomorrow is my first day off in 2 weeks). Frustrations with my body being stupid with my sleep(sleeping in on workdays, therefore missing half of my first shift😣). Feeling like I might be entering manic stage: appetite almost non-existant the last week and last night only like 2 and a half hours of sleep max and I'm pretty damn perky right now.

Kinda needing a release over the stuff yesterday that's bleeding into today; might go find my boy toy. But of course, aunt flo😣😣😣😣. Feeling the dark(not suicide don't worry) thoughts that creep around the back of my mind working their way to the front. Just need a very thorough distraction to clear my mind and ground me, if only for a little while. Damn if I don't need that fucking peace right about now. It's getting kinda noisy in here.

This is what it is to live in my head lately....  But shit like this happen all the time. Welcome to my beautiful misery..... 

    "Thought I found a way, thought I found a way out. But you never go away, so I guess I gotta stay now.... Oh I hope someday I'll make it out of there, even if it takes all night or a hundred years. Need a place to hide, But I can't find one near. Wanna feel alive outside, I can't fight my fears.... Isn't lovely all alone, heart made of glass, my mind of stone. Tear me to pieces, skin and bone. Hello, welcome home..."

.                   - Lonely by Bill Eilish & Khalid