Please, if you only read one thing today, I hope it is this. I hope you take the time.
I wanted, for so long to believe this was true. But I couldn't outright say it. Not on just a hunch, it was too important. I needed to live it. But now I have. Maybe I was just waiting for the one person who would be on my side, against the many that were not. But I give more weight to that one person, because there will always be many more people who are not a good fit for you, and far fewer who are. So that potential one, in a sea of many, will do so much more for me, that all the pain and holes in the boat to get there.
But now that I have found it, that I have lived it. I want to share what I always believed, but could not confirm until this moment. Here is what I have found.
I have always been a transparent person. That there was no point in pussy footing around things. That if I had an issue, I would give it time, process it, and address it. This had long been a problem in my relationships, as insecure people do not want to hear about problems that could ever be considered their fault. I had been accused of manipulation, gaslighting, cruelty, ignorance, issues with my own upbringing that led me to find these "imaginary" issues in someone else. These accusations were painful to live through. To remind myself that criticism is not cruel in its nature. That it can be enacted with pure and positive intention, but the receiving party needs to be engaged. Still, it always hurt to take the venom, the actual cruelty that is spit when the person you chose has no ammo to use except the extreme. The chaotic and the insane in their defenses of the criticism that was obvious to both sides, yet denied by one. I needed no other proof than a refusal to grow or even contemplate change, to know I was not in the wrong. Still, it always hurt, small parts of me always wanted to believe that I was not behaving within my dynamic, that it was not my place, and that I really was this monster I had been made out to be. Why not, I had known no different, and the brain can play tricks on you, both in making you believe, but also feeding into your vehement denial. I could not be sure of my own thoughts.
Today, I can be. It needs to be shouted from the rooftops for all that may still be struggling with it, to hear.
**There is a difference in someone respecting you, engaging with you, and yes, even loving you.**
When that person comes into your life, you will realize. Because they will show you. That all the positive things you thought about yourself were not wrong. That your transparency and open mindedness are not flaws, they are just a different way, a way that takes a healthy mindset to appreciate. Someone to show you that conversation can be had in tense moments and frustration, it does not need to dissolve into rage or accusation. That criticism can be beautiful and you can grow a rare flower that all starts with the dirt in the pot.
You are not what you have been accused to be, by the wrong person, the broken person. Someone who barely had their own life together does not get to define yours. They will say all the words: who they are, who you are; but their actions, which they will try and justify, will speak much louder than those harsh words. You will know, because they just won't make sense to you. You will continue to tell yourself that they are not true. Still, they will hurt. But you are not those words. When the right person comes along, it won't even be a question anymore. It will change everything. To see how the right person accepts it all in stride. They will remind you, on the first, second, even third disagreement that never dissolves into attacking. When you cower, expecting much of the same. A small layer of that stone wall you have built, crumbling. Don't try and push it to all come down. They are not going anywhere, let it take its time. It is just as important for you that it happen in its due course. Do not feel paranoid that you are taking too long, because at the same time, you are validating and healing him as well. The things you cannot see. He is working on a wall of his own. With the understanding you have both shown each other, you will only get closer, more comfortable.
I hope you read. I hope you believe.
~Oracle
You will have to forgive these if they come across as ramblings. I am in a strange place I haven't been in before, trying to put into words something I have never felt, have never had to analyze, from a completely opposite side of the pond than where I am used to observing.
