Dissociative and Historical Amnesia tied to depression.
How bad does your depression have to be to forget Every. Damn. Thing? Is it a blessing or a curse? The more I live with myself, as pleasant and satisfied as I am, the more I wonder.
When I say forget everything. I mean it. I have been planning an all expenses paid trip, high end, life altering and deserving trip to Walt Disney World (no I don't know every little thing about Disney) for when I graduate university (though... now that I have been accepted into an accelerated masters degree and a certification program... I am adding years, instead of taking them away). This will not be my first trip to Walt Disney World. I was lucky enough to go with my grandfather when I was 8 or so, who is now passed away. I say 8 or so, because I cannot remember. I say cannot remember, though I can remember pieces. But the happiness of that memory, major pieces of it are lost to me.
At first, I just attributed it to mis-remembering, something that most people do. Your ability to remember events is often incorrect, or exaggerated. Because of this inconsistency, I was simply happy that my rational mind just didn't think it necessary to remember events that could very much just be false. However, since I have been "investigating" my own memory, I have come to find that it simply does not exist, or when it does, it is in very small queues, normally brought on by a picture, or someone else's story, to which I have to acknowledge that I have no idea, or that my memory, even of the happiest time (no doubt about that one) is lost to me aside from 1 or 2 very prominent memories, that I do cherish.
Instead I have recently (a few years maybe) understood a condition called dissociative amnesia that is brought on by extreme depression. I could say I 'wonder' if this could be me, but if I am being honest, that way of speaking is just my inability to think that is the final answer, since I can never bring myself to be 100% in anything, my inquisitive mind won't allow it, because we never know. But in this, in this I am (fairly) certain.
Do I find this to be a big deal? I didn't. I am not a curious person. (Maybe I have forgotten that too?) So I am not even interested in opening up the flood gates on a childhood or youth that was not nurturing in spirit or in economy, as the only one in my family getting an education (at 35 mind you) and a grandfather who was able to take all his grandchildren to Walt Disney World, something none of my nieces and nephews may ever get to experience (unless I can make it in the world. I hope I can give them that some day) I do not feel there is anything that could benefit me from remembering my past.
Today I am the person I want to be. I do not deny it had to do with harsh realities and a hard life pushing me relentlessly, that my past influenced my present. But I also have family to compare to, and I think I am doing pretty good; we all are, in our own ways. I do not need some locked away experience from my past stuck in my mind and hindering my potential. I have enough drive and sheer determination to not slide, even when climbing a slippery slope.
But it is these moments of happiness. Of planning a really exciting thing! That I do feel a little remorse for lost memories. That I can only pull one or two things from my entire past that belong to me. That my sisters, my parents, even my nieces and nephews, have so many memories they share with me, that I just can't seem to remember.
Everyday I hope I have come far enough, made enough progress with myself and my demons, my depression. Accepted it as part of myself and found satisfaction enough that the memories I make today, won't leave me one day. I am hopeful, I do have some amazing memories of my cats and my adult life. I have a great memory for my work and details and have used it to my advantage in my career. I am vigilant now to engrain those emotional memories and not take experiences for granted. I encourage you to do the same.
I am only just learning about amnesia from depression and I am terrified a spurt of uncontrolled depression may steal memories from me, how can I know if it has done it in the past or not?
((Please understand that the research suggests that it is only short term memory that is affected, so this should not happen, it is only a fear I have for myself. Although, the studies linking amnesia and depression are juvenile at best, it does not mean my statements are scientifically sound and they should not be taken as such. It is more likely I was severely depressed then, to not create the short term memories, I just did not have the information to recognize it then.))
I am proud to be in a place where people are no longer the cause of my strife. They do not own my depression and can no longer steal pieces of me with their actions or choices. But I do still sometimes fear myself. I am working on it. Do I feel like I finally have someone I can rely on? That might actually see me as they see themselves? See me as everything that I am, not just a someone who exists in their world? I do. Is that scary? Very much so. What if I am wrong? Not only is my present and future at stake, but my past could be as well.
I love you Grandpa. Thank you for giving me memories so strong that they beat my own self. I think this Sir of mine could make you proud.
~Oracle, today and yesterday.
