Complicated in the Simplest of Ways
I knew. I kind of knew… maybe I had no idea. But it was something that had always been plaguing my mind. Why am I so complicated… Well, my last stint of absence has kind of solidified it for me. I am not. I am not complicated. I am complex. I am the most basic form of simple, in a million different ways. Nothing about me is convoluted or misrepresented. I own who I am and I can follow my strings from consequence back to action or engagement.
Maybe I should elaborate.
I have been gone, for a while. A few months perhaps, well at least 60 days – I know this because I did a really intense work out challenge and don’t think I blogged while doing it. I thought maybe, at the beginning it was because I was pre-occupied… but I have been part of this community since 2019… and there have been 2 periods where I disappeared for long periods of time. They are identical, they are when I was struggling in a relationship, and I didn’t want to blog, or divulge my inner monologue, because I didn’t want it to trigger a sensitive topic with my partner. Unfortunate, but it is undeniable at this point. I mean… I could go the scientific route and do it one more time, since 2 is a coincidence and a pattern is not discerned until 3… but you can forgive me for not wanting to expose myself to that type of test.
I know there are plenty who blog when they are hurting. I suppose that is just not me, even something instantaneous, if I am not sure, I wait. I deal with the feeling, and try and approach my thoughts from the other side. Unless I am already sure about something, I hesitate. For the sake of this post, I supposed I had had months of already thinking about it.
This is a very simple case of the bigger picture, but it is what solidified it for me and had me searching through a lot of my past experiences. It was that nail in the coffin, so to speak. Though, I do not see this as a bad thing. Just the definitive factor that a lot of who I am, can be quantified in very simple terms. A+B=C in my world, pretty much every time. If A happens, B can pretty much be expected. I also find it very unusual that it is not apparent. You only need to find one solution with me. It has done wonders in my personal life in becoming the best version of myself. For some reason, that doesn’t sync up with the world, where every A can be handled with a myriad of other letters to get some solution that you don’t know going in. This is based on the emotion of the day, or something else I am learning, self-sabotage. I could call it victim-mentality – but I do not want to victim blame, but there are a lot of people’s whose emotions, literally prevent them from having an answer and it becomes completely reliant on what the other person brings in, so that they can change their needs in the moment and yes, become the protagonist. Turning the other person into the antagonist and the villain for the only purpose of being self-vindicated.
The best I can do in these situation is take what I bring, possibly my ‘A’ and adjust it within my realm of understanding. I can give you a lower case ‘a’, possibly an “A squared” to see if that could be what you are looking for. I know it won’t of course… but of course, I can’t just stop. Maybe that is part of the fault of being a submissive, I need to constantly try and offer what I can, which only makes it worse. That much is obvious, you try putting tomatoes in a fruit salad. It doesn’t work, although it should in theory. But nothing can work when you are battling a will of the mind. The only thing to do is watch yourself be tested and fail and have no way out, at the mercy of the other person. But anyways. I am getting off track.
Even in these very intense situations, I know what my solutions are, I know how to get out of them. There has never been an instant where it hasn’t worked. The only issue is, is that not everyone wants a solution. Sometimes people want to hurt. Sometimes they want to be your enemy.
It changes nothing. It has the very expected outcome. Yet I remain the same.