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A Demi in Isolation

Whimsical thoughts. Never wrong and never right. Not an artist or a writer by any stretch of the imagination. I am just, me. I have stopped questioning it.
2 years ago. August 6, 2021 at 10:25 PM

Complicated in the Simplest of Ways


I knew. I kind of knew… maybe I had no idea. But it was something that had always been plaguing my mind. Why am I so complicated… Well, my last stint of absence has kind of solidified it for me. I am not. I am not complicated. I am complex. I am the most basic form of simple, in a million different ways. Nothing about me is convoluted or misrepresented. I own who I am and I can follow my strings from consequence back to action or engagement.


Maybe I should elaborate.


I have been gone, for a while. A few months perhaps, well at least 60 days – I know this because I did a really intense work out challenge and don’t think I blogged while doing it. I thought maybe, at the beginning it was because I was pre-occupied… but I have been part of this community since 2019… and there have been 2 periods where I disappeared for long periods of time. They are identical, they are when I was struggling in a relationship, and I didn’t want to blog, or divulge my inner monologue, because I didn’t want it to trigger a sensitive topic with my partner. Unfortunate, but it is undeniable at this point. I mean… I could go the scientific route and do it one more time, since 2 is a coincidence and a pattern is not discerned until 3… but you can forgive me for not wanting to expose myself to that type of test.


I know there are plenty who blog when they are hurting. I suppose that is just not me, even something instantaneous, if I am not sure, I wait. I deal with the feeling, and try and approach my thoughts from the other side. Unless I am already sure about something, I hesitate. For the sake of this post, I supposed I had had months of already thinking about it.


This is a very simple case of the bigger picture, but it is what solidified it for me and had me searching through a lot of my past experiences. It was that nail in the coffin, so to speak. Though, I do not see this as a bad thing. Just the definitive factor that a lot of who I am, can be quantified in very simple terms. A+B=C in my world, pretty much every time. If A happens, B can pretty much be expected. I also find it very unusual that it is not apparent. You only need to find one solution with me. It has done wonders in my personal life in becoming the best version of myself. For some reason, that doesn’t sync up with the world, where every A can be handled with a myriad of other letters to get some solution that you don’t know going in. This is based on the emotion of the day, or something else I am learning, self-sabotage. I could call it victim-mentality – but I do not want to victim blame, but there are a lot of people’s whose emotions, literally prevent them from having an answer and it becomes completely reliant on what the other person brings in, so that they can change their needs in the moment and yes, become the protagonist. Turning the other person into the antagonist and the villain for the only purpose of being self-vindicated.


The best I can do in these situation is take what I bring, possibly my ‘A’ and adjust it within my realm of understanding. I can give you a lower case ‘a’, possibly an “A squared” to see if that could be what you are looking for. I know it won’t of course… but of course, I can’t just stop. Maybe that is part of the fault of being a submissive, I need to constantly try and offer what I can, which only makes it worse. That much is obvious, you try putting tomatoes in a fruit salad. It doesn’t work, although it should in theory. But nothing can work when you are battling a will of the mind. The only thing to do is watch yourself be tested and fail and have no way out, at the mercy of the other person. But anyways. I am getting off track.


Even in these very intense situations, I know what my solutions are, I know how to get out of them. There has never been an instant where it hasn’t worked. The only issue is, is that not everyone wants a solution. Sometimes people want to hurt. Sometimes they want to be your enemy.


It changes nothing. It has the very expected outcome. Yet I remain the same.

WhatamIfightingfor​(dom male) - Hm, after having two exes with the same emotional problems, and possible third (really fourth) show up, between feeling like I am stuck in a logic loop, and not growing emotionally, I understand all to well. Not wanting unpredictable chaos to show up, but lot lots of dialog, being wanted for the person, who I am, not my sexual interests. That is the problem with being intelligent, not being a jack of all trades, but being more a glass cannon, or tank, with really unbalanced stats. More Shuckle, than NidoQueen, (I know Pokemon better than MMOs.) That wanting of a challenge and searching for it, but finding the puzzle is to hard, from being unintuitive, to too intuitive and boring, unstimulting. That search for balance, finding the right back scratcher to scratch that itch, both familiar and new every time.

A least that is that my migrained mind mess can manage to mesh together.
2 years ago
OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours} - It is very relatable. I want the right communication, not just any communication. I want emotions, not emotions that are tainted with negativity or positivity. Anger can be beautiful, sadness can be empowering... but not when they are overly and unnecessarily complicated.
2 years ago
WhatamIfightingfor​(dom male) - Some one who owns their emotions, not owned by them. Not a class 9 earthquake because the toast was burned that morning, but still weeping over loss, but not milking it for advantage, using it as a tool to get something, twisting it into something it is not, just letting it be. Drama fests, at least know I don't want that, tired of it really.
2 years ago
WhatamIfightingfor​(dom male) - Seems to be the day for this wall paper, at least this time I know it has its own link.

This when things go wrong. This behavior, just moving on, not picking a fight, solving it.

And the reference that is nearly hidden.

Today seems like a good day for a game summarized as "a boy joy riding in a tank looking for his pet frog". He happened to find the woman of his dreams while doing so.

Then the games in the sequels take a similar attitude, don't dwell , heal and go. I am sorry, still a bit of an emotional rise form the last game coming out, and the story.
2 years ago
WhatamIfightingfor​(dom male) - Hm, INFP, figures the free test online would finally get it. Got to thinking again about personality types. Just because I am creative, still means I still value logic, a to b directions. While that English teacher from hell, who was fired for flunking to many students I did not have a problem with, she was clear on what she wanted.
2 years ago
MelMell​(dom female) - You put out what being INTP so well into words that it always leaves me shocked. I have a lot of the same problems you have but since I started off my life being on the emotional side I’ve learned to incorporate it into who I am as a person. Years of therapy also showed me that talking things out is amazing and you get so many other points of view to analyze and compare to your own situation and life patterns.
I am going to put for you something I find to be truly satisfying. Find a dominant INTP. I have found a submissive I talk to that is the same as me and it is simply amazing. Bouncing ideas back and forth is great and even more so because we don’t let emotions get in the way too much. He sees life is pretty much the same logical patterns as I do and it’s beautiful.
If you can’t or don’t want to find a possible partner, then friendship is good too(the path I’m currently walking with this specific sub) and will satisfy your logical brain. Also being INTP doesn’t mean not having emotions just that they are usually more slowed down and confusing.
2 years ago
OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours} - I am envious! Having someone that I can just talk through everything, get all the perspectives sounds just heavenly. I don't meet many other INTP's never mind Dom ones ^_^ I am SO HAPPY! that this resonates with another INTP. Sometimes I feel like I am just lost and that it is all wrong. Thank you! .. I have spent too much time analyzing my preference for J personality types... glutton for punishment maybe.
2 years ago

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