Guilt. I hear it all the time, see it too. I get misinterpreted as a manipulator more often than I like to admit. Some might say “Well, if the shoe fits”. Certainly. This is why I am blogging. Because maybe some day the lightbulb will go off, and I will recognize something about me that I can fix. Today, I am not here to own up to the fact that I am a manipulator… I am not. At least not when I am being accused of it… go figure. I mean, we all might accidentally manipulate someone or guilt trip someone at some point, without meaning to. No, I am here today to talk about guilt. Guilt, and how it leads to someone lashing out, projecting and yes, thinking someone is trying to manipulate or gaslight you.
I rarely feel guilt. So much so… I do, and have wondered if maybe I am a narcissist. I can assure you, I am not either. Still, I give these thoughts their course. Because how can you know, if you don’t ask yourself the hard questions. So why don’t I feel guilt when I do something wrong, where others do? Maybe I have a secret to share… maybe I still have learning of my own to do.
Regardless, I think I found it. Guilt is something greedy. Something you put on yourself. Guilt, is actually the Narcissists tool! Strange huh?
Let me explain.
I have heard the saying “break a plate. Now say sorry to it. Did it go back together?” as an example of how when you hurt someone, you can’t take it back. I find this unsettling. I find that this mentality is the same demoralizing one for “Crying over spilt milk”. Why give a child punishment when they spill milk accidentally? The milk is already spilt. You are insisting that they feel guilt. That speaks true for this plate as well. You are insisting there is nothing the person can do to make amends, that there is no point feeling remorseful. Only feeling guilty. They get to become the one who gets to hold that over your head… and I assure you, some will.
Some may argue that it is just a saying, meat to caution you to think before you speak. I am an advocate for that. Some things you can’t take back, it is better to be a better person, than to have to fix something over and over. But everyone starts somewhere, we all need patience and grace when learning. But the very structure of this sentence… just oozes guilt tripping and manipulation in itself. I am not okay with that.
Why would you not take accountability for the spilt milk? And show that you are remorseful, offer something in tribute for a mistake you did not mean to make? This is how I deal with problems. I do not need to feel guilty, because if I make a mistake, I WILL rectify it. I will come outside of myself to make amends, at your discretion. Selflessly. I will ask for a solution that you feel merits the crime, and I will make the decision if having forgiveness is important enough to see this thing through. Action. Because that is an option. Closure is currency for guilt.
Guilt is something that someone takes upon themselves. It is Greedy. When someone doesn’t want to take action. When the consequence is too hard or accusatory for someone to want to put in the work to fix it. When it is fixed it is done. Guilt… fixes nothing. Yet people think that it is enough to correct a problem. It isn’t. You gave nothing to someone else. You are the opposite of selfless when you feel guilty. You are self absorbed, lazy and vindicating. Not to mention, when someone feels guilt, they start to project that feeling… they think it SHOULD be enough… because they are punishing themselves. Punishing yourself is not punishment. That doesn’t work… when was the last time a criminal got to choose his own sentence? That is all guilt is and ever will be.
Selfless remorse is at the discretion of someone else. They get to decide what is proper discourse, how much commitment it will take, and they may even decide you can never give enough, that the crime is so severe, there is no payment. If you were idiotic enough to do that thing in the first place… you should be starting at that self reflection… and fixing it in yourself… but not with guilt. Guilt is lazy, baseless and action less.
You do not need to feel guilty. If you are someone who takes accountability and offers to correct mistakes, then you are showing action to your commitments. You are putting energy out into the world in exchange for what you created. To take it back. Yet, so many people would rather feel guilty, or make someone feel guilty… instead of allowing them means, figuring out what an appropriate exchange is… because then it would be over and done, wouldn’t it? And you can’t project on someone who has nothing to feel sorry for, can you?
