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A Demi in Isolation

Whimsical thoughts. Never wrong and never right. Not an artist or a writer by any stretch of the imagination. I am just, me. I have stopped questioning it.
1 year ago. August 20, 2021 at 9:19 PM

Careless 

 

Can you be blamed for not being helpful? I blamed myself for a long time. I still, unjustly, do. It is written all over my hurt that “If you need help. I am not the one for you.” I have instilled in myself that I am incapable of being that thing that someone needs to feel happy, loved, cared for. It is the first thing I will tell you about myself. If you are looking for emotions… I do not have them for you. If you are looking for someone to keep you happy, engaged, entertained, I cannot be that person.

 

So… why am I bringing it back up, if it is closed? Why do I continue to not believe this thing that I have told myself. That research through trial and error indicates and has confirmed. That past relationships have told me to be true? It is because I still try. For some reason, I try to be what they need. I try to help in my way… because it is demanded from me. But I recognize, the more times I fail, that it may be the situation that is not my best environment for success… not my inability to help, especially not through my want of trying. 

 

Let me tell you a story. One that has happened too many times. Like that book with the broken spine. A favorite of mine it seems… about how I have come to tell myself that I am indeed not a helpful person, not emotional, not genuine in my empathy.

 

It begins where it ends. At the end of a relationship, when the cards are on the table and the one that stares me in the face is the “Careless” card. Maybe it is because it is the one that hurts me the most. Maybe that is why it is used, maybe it is genuine from the players of the game. But nevertheless, it is held in a hand until the very end. Where it then surfaces. I do not have the ability to care, to help, to make better an emotional situation. I do not know that piece you need, when you need it. Through the entire game, I did not give you the card you needed to allow you to discard that one, to consider it matched. It cuts deep. Like the elongated tooth of the basilisk, to the center of my cover, and the black bile that oozes forth from the wound. The victory. The slaughter of the demon I am in this relationship, the freedom you have now won at my expense.

 

Okay… maybe that is a little over exaggeratively. I am for sure taking literary liberties with my story telling today. But can you see how I feel? See she who shall not be named.

 

What I don’t accept... I have not been able to accept; and thus, I am unable to set this in stone; This piece of who I am. This unemotional, careless, tyrant of a being, as more than just a horror story; is “Then why?” The rebuttal... I am always with that person who has been so invested in me. Who has cared so deeply. How we always fix my problems, address my concerns. Where as, when they are suffering… I am not available. I am careless. And yet still…

 

I analyze… How could I? How could I be so insincere to someone’s suffering? So callous in my avoidance that I dismiss their feelings outright and they never get their closure… Right. There. That is the piece that prevents me from final admonition on this thing that I hang over my own head. That I embrace and has become a part of me. Because it does not make sense… by all accounts, I am these things. I offer all of these things.

 

We fix me… because I accept being helped. I open my book and present my problems. I don’t fear the horrors you might see, I don’t fear you running... even though you might... even after you have. 

 

Wow… what a moment I had when I realized this. Brought me to tears. So many years of thinking I couldn’t care the way people wanted me to… when this, in all its glory, told me what I needed to know. People like helping me, because I accept being helped. They… do not. Not once had these accusers brought something to the table about themselves, they needed help with. Should that mean I go digging? This is what I see to be the difference between a healthy complex and a savior complex: I should not have to beg for you to let me in. That is what they want… but no, I do not think I will, forcing these things is met with the same outcome; the same backlash. Where as me… I am transparent, I am giving and vulnerable and always willing to humble myself and be the first to the table with questions and concerns and my own flaws. That is only half of the battle. Where as some have handled me poorly, and some expertly when I present them with my most vulnerable issues… but when the tables are turned… spoiler… they never are. I am not oblivious to the fact that I might not be the best at creating a safe space, where someone feels comfortable being vulnerable. That is a growth for me. But I will hold steadfast that I HAVE NEVER shamed someone for their flaws when they have put them at my feet. I have honored them. 

 

I am the most eager person to open my book to you, and let you write on the pages of my life. That is why MY problems seem like the most valuable. MY problems seem like they get all the attention; and MY problems are so easily “Fixed” by you… because I let you. I offer it up to you. I let you have that satisfaction of ‘fixing’ me. I should write a blog about when someone is obsessed with “fixing” and how that means they are not actually “supporting” or “helping” you… but I won’t go into it here. There is a difference, is all I will say: One is greedy, one is true caring. So when I say fix, I hope you read it as superficially as it is offered to me. How it isn’t actually meant for me, it is for self-satisfaction... the wrong reasons you give that homeless person on the street a dollar. So you can go home thinking you made a difference. Being used so someone can fix you and they can feel accomplished… well… it hurts… every time.

 

I am careless, because I never get the chance to care. Your problems are never put on the table… unless it is already volatile and you are attacking me with them. That is not a request for help or support… it is manipulation. And when I do not feel guilty, then you bottle them back up again and divert tactics to ones you know will cut me. That I am careless. Tell me where you are failing, tell me how to care for you, and you will see how all-in I can be. Otherwise, do not accuse me of being the one who doesn’t care.

 

I don’t know what I will do with this new revelation… I want to think that I can care. I am a very supportive person. I have never once, even in an argument condescended, insulted, attacked someone’s vulnerabilities. It is something I am proud of. But I don’t need to be proud, it is who I am. I can have the same argument in and out of emotions. I do not resort to underhanded tactics and I can point out inconsistencies without having to resort to name calling and superficial attacks. Does that mean I am not insulting? Far from it. I will look you in the eye when I tell you, you have these flaws; I will respect you enough to say their name, out loud. But being able to say I do care? It has been a long time of accepting this about myself… that I don’t even know where I would start to weave that back into my vocabulary, my presence, my being. 

 

 

~Oracle

WhatamIfightingfor​(dom male) - Reminds me of most of my exs, the manipulative ones, are like yours. Then I have had some who wanted to be there for me, and gave too much and fell apart, it is a balancing act. Now being comfortable sharing with someone, and having the self image able to admit ones faults and one needs help is hard. Men are, commonly, raised to fix things and just bury the rest, till it turns into a "Love Canal" level disaster, form all the hidden things oozing out and reaking havoc, with huge collateral damage. I am still good friends with women who have turned me down, because just friendship was where it belongs and even agreed we were better off as friends.

This also comes to mind the importance of boundaries, not just external but internal, having strong sense of how things are organized internally. I know no one can fix me, and I can not fix anyone else I can't even fix the fictional people in my stories. But I do need to know the lay of my internal land, hell 'scapes and green valleys, not to the nth detail, but i do need to know them so i have some idea how to work with them, and how they interact with other people's landacpes. Most never really get a feel for it, the jist of it because they are told, stuff it,, after years of stuff it, the closet door breaks open, and all the mess falls out, from rotting pizzas and sticky shoes, to teddy bears, and family photos, just chaotic a mess.

Just some thoughts that came to mind.
1 year ago
OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours} - Yes. It is very common among men, that they will fix someone else, but not allow anyone to see their weaknesses. It is feral and masculine. Sad to see... but also sadder to standby and not be able to do anything, at least, I am not na├»ve enough to think I can.
1 year ago
WhatamIfightingfor​(dom male) - Women are taught to do ti too.

Jason and Eve achieve a great balance on this, even Leibniz and Jason do.

Why i like shows like Burns and Allen and Smith and Smith. They are their for each other, very distinct people, and yet it is hard to tell whee one begins and the other ends. Then both are rare in being both on and off screen highly fictional couples.
1 year ago
WhatamIfightingfor​(dom male) - highly functional emotionally mature* ugh, speel check
1 year ago
OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours} - I agree. I am in process of writing a blog about a flaw of mine: being feral. I relate that it can very much be among women too.
1 year ago
WhatamIfightingfor​(dom male) - You might want to look if you have not at my blog on relationships in video games.

Shazune was probably my favorite, and I left this out of the, was she was supportive, even in the other story lines. She never got angry, or pissed off, but was till there, in a dating visual novel, even if you piked one of the other girls, except her cousin, that caused a fight, then her cousin is her polar opposite.

As for Eve and Jason. a story where he could fix her, he does not. Eve is a gynoid, a robot, and he is an elite robotics scientist. In most games he would simply fix her of her infection. Instead, he rebuilds the tank, builds a life support system for her, creates the environment she can heal in, and heads off to get help. He is there for her, but not overbearing.
1 year ago
WhatamIfightingfor​(dom male) - I look forward to reading your blog on being feral.
1 year ago
SirsBabyDoll​(sub female) - "I will respect you enough to say their name, out loud. "

Not many people understand that concept, that loyalty is NOT only standing by someone while they are struggling against a foe, but also when the foe is of their own making.

In Islam, there is a teaching that says this:

Narrated Anas: Allah's Apostle said, "Help your brother, whether he is an oppressor or he is an oppressed one. People asked, "O Allah's Apostle! It is all right to help him if he is oppressed, but how should we help him if he is an oppressor?" The Prophet said, "By preventing him from oppressing others."
1 year ago
OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours} - Thank you SBD. There is a dark side to those of us who can see Loyalty and Respect, when it isn't always pretty. That is has a harsh side. A side that pushes people away.
1 year ago
SirsBabyDoll​(sub female) - You're quite welcome. Thank you for putting into just the right words something I journaled about *thinks* last year???
1 year ago
OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours} - If you have it on here, or in words somewhere, please feel free to link it. <3
1 year ago

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