I went through many internal battles trying to decide if my feelings were for real or was I just fantasizing. There was no mistaking the constant and growing ache in my heart when I thought about Him. Maybe I ate something that didn’t agree with me... bad sushi... I don’t know.
I know I had not felt that way since “liver-man”.
My hesitation in saying anything was based on what good would come from it. I went a long time agonizing over that.
Now before anyone decides to judge my crazy self (which I cannot stop you from doing so)...No one is going to be harder on myself than I already am.
It may not seem like it (because my actions are highly contradictory)... I care greatly for my boyfriend. Not much in a romantic sense as that died with many years of dealing with his alcoholism. One day I will open up and tell him that I need a Dom and he is just not it. But not today.
I don’t like confrontation and worse than that... I abhor breaking someone’s heart when I see them struggling so hard in every other area.
If I kick him out, he will have no one and no where to go. I would hate myself. I would feel like I’d be cursing myself all over again. I’m not entirely sure I haven’t! But if I did that and hated myself... How could I expect anyone else to love me? What kind of person would I be?
I can already hear my internal voice saying, “You’d be an honest person”.
Surely there is a happy medium somewhere that I’m just not seeing.
I read somewhere that a more important goal to being happy is actually not pursuing happiness but feeding your soul instead. Happiness is superficial and pales compared to true joy.
I work long hours at an assisted living facility, caring for the elderly. It is a very stressful job. Sometimes I get things thrown at me, I get bitten, cursed at...I’ve had my shoes peed on (honest!). In the end I stay and continue my work, even when I feel like leaving. I do this because I love my residents. I don’t need the job. I have a 4 year degree and 17 years of experience repairing electronics. I could find something else... easily. But I stay. Making barely enough to support myself and my boyfriend. I do this because I could never bring myself to abandon these people. Making my residents happy... brings me great joy and drives me. I’m good at it. I love serving others.
My point is this: I do not need to satisfy my own personal desires to have my soul fed and to feel joy. I feel blessed. I fear losing that blessing if I simply kicked the boyfriend out.
He is kind and not cruel. I can live with that for now.
I felt that since I’m sticking myself where I am... I’d be no worse off if I just told Sir my feelings. So I did.
It was no surprise to him. And his response was something that made me automatically assume he did not feel the same way. I’m not sure why he didn’t just tell me straight out... he had to be cryptic.
He said, “I would say it back but I don’t know if it would be mean or kind, so I won’t.”
(to be continued)
