As I sit here writing this entry, I’m listening to my “Heart Wrencher” playlist that I made. Shirley Manson is gracing my ears with The World is not Enough. I can’t help but notice that she pronounces her H’s in words like “when”...I am not sure if I like it or find it distracting.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes.. the heart break had not happened at this point. I was content with my assumption and just relieved to ease some of the ache in my chest cavity.
Sir was being kind and caring toward me and continued to give tasks and punishments where applicable.
A couple of weeks went by and then one night, He decided that he was going to reassert His ownership of me. He had me say the words, coupled with writing on myself and other actions. I was trembling. I could feel my heart beating in my throat. I could hardly hold the pen in my hand as I wrote each word. This went on just about all night.
I thought perhaps I was hasty in my assumption. He used my feelings and held them in front of me. I couldn’t imagine that he’d exploit them... in that moment. I was nearly blind by how much I wanted to be His. All His.
I didn’t want to talk about the elephant in the room. Although I love elephants. The one taking up space happened to be my vanilla boyfriend.
Over the next few days, we had some pleasant moments until His mood changed due to some issues that were unrelated to our relationship. I was supportive and listened. Once the issues had settled, I inquired about some tasks and that’s when it happened.
He told me that it would be best if we put a stop to it. For the “foreseeable future”. He gave me a line that loosely translated to, “It isn’t you, it’s me”... but also confessed to not being able to come to terms with me putting up with my boyfriend.
I simply told Him that I’d need time to heal (because, of course, He offered his care and friendship).
This is where I am now. Healing. Although a large part of me is constantly hoping there’s something I could do to fix everything.
A few months ago He had said something about just stopping because it might cause me to end things with the boyfriend. He said He felt He was enabling me. I should have listened. I should have taken that seriously.
He really did the best thing for both of us. Even though it hurts.
