From Darkness into the Light

I haven’t had much inspiration to write.  My mind is in somewhat of a chaotic state right now.  
I’m unowned. My thoughts are jumbled and I can not make a simply decision to save my life.

Yes, I have had offers….mainly online which isn’t bad when one needs to be controlled, but I get bored with that so easily.  And I tend to shut down and stop communicating when that happens.

I have to have in person domination for it to help soothe and calm my soul, body and mind.

So I think I’m gonna just lay low for awhile and regroup.

All I want is to crawl into your lap and you kiss my forehead as you put your arms around me and squeeze me tight.  🤗

All I want is your hand spanking me until my ass is red and I’m on the verge of tears.  I want  your hand on my neck as you whisper in my ear “you are mine”.  👋🏻🍑

All I want is to wake up beside you every morning with you pulling me to your body and squeezing me while you whisper Good morning sweetie💋

All I want is to lay beside you at night as you rub my body to sleep while telling me what a good girl I have been today.  ⭐️

All I want is for you to blindfold me, restrain me, and do all kinds of naughty things to me.😈

All I want is for the miles to disappear and for us to be together all the time.  🏡

All I want is you💗

Finally our weekend came!  
I was so excited!  
Our time together is always so relaxing and I’m always amazed at how free I feel during that time.

Saturday night He set the mood with lighting, music and incense candles.  He told me to get naked and put my robe on and come downstairs.  He was giving me a massage!  And he even turned the fireplace on cause he knows I’m always freezing. 
This massage was relaxing, intimate, erotic and it led to a few orgasms to start😉

The night brought me many pleasures like  being hung from the ceiling,⛓ receiving a few hard spanks that led to some rainbows 🌈 on my derrière and lots more orgasms.🤤  Sir is always very generous with the orgasms!  

But the thing that stood out the most for me this weekend was how He gave so much to me.   He gave me presents, a massage, kisses, hugs, and cuddles. He really is spoiling me.   

He doesn’t demand that I submit to Him.  So my desire to submit comes naturally.  In fact, everything about us is natural.  

Of course when we are miles apart my neediness kicks in and all I find myself wanting to do is to climb back in the car and close the miles between us just so I can be in his arms again.  But He gave me my collar and that helps remind me that He is always close…and of course the rainbow He painted on my derrière🌈 helps me too😉

Until we can be together again…..

~AdorableMe~

I am so lucky  🍀

To have met the most patient and smart Dom who is perfect for me💗

It amazes me when we started chatting how our connection was so strong.  

Then we met at a cabin in the mountains and the entire weekend was so mind blowing.

The bond is growing and getting deeper because He listens and pays attention to detail and is so patient.  He knows how broken I’ve been from my previous Master.  He is taking things slow. And introducing His control in such a way to not overwhelm me.

He already knows my body like a musician knows it’s instrument.  

But He also knows my weaknesses and is being patient in teaching me and even though I’ve messed up some, He leads me and explains where the error occurred and how I should have responded or what way I should have done something. 

Only eight more days until there are no miles between us for three glorious days 💗

~AdorableMe~

Anyone else do this?  
I overthink every. single. thing. 

That’s why submitting is so freeing for me.  And yes I WANT to be controlled in the bedroom but it’s my vanilla life that NEEDS to be controlled. When my vanilla life is being controlled I no longer have to think, only act. I get a sense of calm, a state of mindfulness, from not
having to make decisions.    

I’ve been told that I’m a submissive with slave tendencies.  Which I think I have evolved into over time.  

I thrive on having a set of rules to follow in every type of situation.
I enjoy knowing what I’m supposed
to do and when.
I don't enjoy making decisions.  I find it very stressful.
Never ask me what I want to eat or what restaurant I want to eat at….I can never choose!

My life is so dang chaotic when I’m not owned and guided.  It’s only been a few weeks since I ask to be released.  And my mind still overthinks.  My mind is still restless.  My soul is still healing and searching for what lies within me.  My body misses that constant hum of arousal that guides me.  

I’m taking the time I need to be a better sub for my next owner.  

PS I will share later in another blog why I needed to be released.  I still need time to process it all.  But I will eventually share it. 

1.I’m such a home body. I love to curl up on the couch with my favorite blanket, coffee and watch a movie.
2. I am a huge Winnie the Pooh fan. I have all kinds of Pooh stuff. All boxed up in the attic of course.
3. I collect all things carousel. I even have a Christmas tree that is decorated with nothing but Carousels. 🎠
4. I eat chocolate everyday. 🍫
5. I loathe exercising but because I love chocolate and like to at least be able to walk up and down steps while holding a conversation, I do it daily.
6. Took me ten years to get my bachelors just because I didn’t know what I wanted to do when I grew up.🎓
7. My two favorite movies are Pride and Prejudice and Top Gun.
8. I do not like confrontation nor can I stand anybody being mad at me. So I will go out of my way to avoid that.
9. I am so not a morning person. Please don’t talk to me before I have my coffee. ☕️
10. I am a beach bum. ☀️🏖I love the sand and water. There is just something about it that I love. When I grow up I’m gonna own a vacation home right on a white beach with clear blue water.  

My mind and heart are in a battle right now. The mind is the more practical and knows what I need. The heart is too much into feelings and has built a very high and tight wall around herself.

My mind says that I need to just let go and submit. I need to because it is within me. Like one of my Doms pointed out, I was born to submit. When I submit I am happier, my thoughts are very centered and my life flows so much smoother. But my heart tells me to be careful. My heart is afraid of getting hurt again. She is afraid of the hold my Dom would have on me. She’s afraid of my own neediness for my Dom. Why? It seems that I have had a bad run with Doms. I’m drawn to the wrong ones apparently. The ones who seem to disappear, ones who aren’t patient enough to wait on me needing to know them well before playing with them, or who take my hesitation as not being a good submissive.  

It has occurred to me that I’m not a heart follower because if I was I would already be in a relationship with a Dom. But the heart is wanting to stay at arms length and all she wants is to just have fun, post pics, and flirt because there is no way she can get hurt that way. She wants to keep her feelings closed up and locked away. Because when a heart breaks it takes forever to heal.

The heart wants what the heart wants.
The mind knows what the heart needs.

And so the battle continues.....
 

Before diving right in, I thought it might be good to start where my love for BDSM began.  I have always been a submissive girl.  Not a shy girl but a submissive girl.  I was always outgoing. For the most part I’ve always been a rule follower and loved when boys took the lead in the relationship.  My life has always been chaotic and I’ve always been an over thinker. Submitting helps me focus and helps calm my mind.

I dated a guy in college who introduced me to a lighter version of the Dominant and submissive dynamic. He would plan my week out for me with times so I could keep on task and stay focused.  He mainly used restraints and blindfolds and the occasional smack on the ass during sex.  But unfortunately we didn’t work out and I met my very vanilla husband and had a few children.  I became a stay at home mom for 19 years and during that time everything I did revolved around the kids and their lives.  It wasn’t until the kids got older that I began to realize that I had truly lost myself.  I do not regret raising my babies.  I love being a mom.  But something was missing,  And along the way my marriage fell apart.  

About four years ago I discovered a kink site and decided to make a profile.   The first person I met was a female switch.  And she befriended me and helped me explore more of my submissive side.  I’ve grown in my knowledge of BDSM and I’ve grown as a submissive. 

I was introduced to a man that was a Master. I had read about slaves and Masters but never even considered that I could be a slave.  But Master D went slow and steady with me and helped lead me into a very deep submission to him.  He helped me discover my love for pleasurable pain.  My craving for pleasing him increased greatly so Master D started to not only the sexual part of me but the vanilla too.  He took control of what I wore, what I said, what I ate, what I posted on my various social media acct.  I also went into subspace with him for the first time.  It was such a euphoric experience. It was a very deep M/s relationship that went on for about a year.  

I learned so much about myself that year with Master D.  I felt free.  I had finally found my purpose.  And I had finally gone from the darkness into the light.