"The action or fact of accepting or yeilding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person."
Also known as the one who owns you. A person you had open and trusted yourself with to hand over "you". To protect you, to guide you... to love you. They are your mentor, life line, safe place. Someone you feel at peace with to let them see the good, bad and ugly even if doing so scares the unholy Jesus out of you.
The definition is different to everyone.
To me, it is a feeling. How I feel for this person is I want to kneel at his feet, stare up at him with admiration and allow him to guide me into this new journey we will be sharing together. No matter how scary that journey may be I know that he will always keep me safe.
His guidance makes me want to be a better me. Achieve goals and dreams I never thought I could. Be the best me I can be for him, myself, my child.
Allow myself to be pushed to explore and understand new things, even if some of those at this time may hurt.
My story is I found a man who takes my breath away. The type of person he is and how generous and full of love that just beams from him like a light could just blind you. When he just stares at me without saying anything, he makes me feel wanted, craved.. sexy. The assignments given and completed help me feel accomplished. The small goals I've achieved make me feel capable. Overall it is nothing I have experienced with any other Dom or vanilla relationship and everyday there is something new and sometimes so very wonderful.
Just like every relationship there are ups and downs and not everyday is filled with rainbows and unicorns. We fight, we make each other upset, hurt each other but I like to believe that through it all we know we love each other and we care for each other deeply.
I have some emotional issues, a past littered with pain and disgust and in all truth I do not view myself in a pretty light. Everyday he tells me I am worth it, I am special, I deserve so much happiness in life. Sometimes I cry when he tells me because truthfully I don't believe it, sometimes I get so angry when I hear that and sometimes I want to hear it, I want to believe it.
This man who knocked down my walls with the force of a wrecking ball lives a Poly lifestyle. Then here is me, who doesn't ever believe she is worth a damn, can be loved and is not wanted and really does not believe she is a good person. I believe I have caused us more pain and suffering and somehow he has not walked away from my craziness. He still stands by me, gives me his strength and reassurance of how he feels about me. Most days its enough and somedays it is not. But everyday I am still his.
I have been told many things about this relationship I have found myself in:
"It wont work."
"You are not Poly"
"Find someone else."
I am not poly but I also wouldn't say I am monogamous either. I have had many play partners most at the same time. I've cared for more then one man at the same time. However while in a relationship I was always all in. There was no one else and it didn't matter if that relationship was good or bad.
I am not my owners only sub and I know at some point there maybe others. My days can be so dark and he brings in a light that chases the storm away. To me it does not matter if this relationship could be "toxic" to either of us.
Based on my definition of submission he is the one I want to serve and if we have to continue to find a solution for my emotional distress then so be it. He is worth it and I will NEVER ask for him to change the way he is for me, I WILL learn to accept his way, be secure with us and myself to know that he will never leave me for another woman, that he will always come back and I will always be his.
Some have told me that I am stupid for this but is it really?
If you love someone and adore them wouldn't you want to do whatever you could to make it work? It is no different in a vanilla relationship then in a BDSM one. If your marriage was suffering and you didn't want to see it end, wouldn't you want to work together to make it work, to fix the problems?
I am not with him for personal gain, financial gain or even personal growth. I am with him because I love and adore the kind of person he is. When I get to witness him doing something he loves I get to see the light in his eyes and the calm on his face. His good, bad and ugly doesn't make me want to run it just makes me love him more.
Who knows, this could blow up in both of our faces. No solution could be found and maybe the selfishness we both share in wanting each other will only destroy us.
But in every great love story, doesn't it always cause the most pain before the beautiful can seep in?