Today, I can was not the best day I have had in a while.
Therapy...always puts me in a bad mood. I do not enjoy opening up about feelings and emotions to a person in front of me. When you can see their reactions. Then leaving therapy I get a call from my kids school about some problems she is having. Last time that happened it set me on a downhill slope and I went into the hospital for 4 days. It brought up old emotions, fears, self doubt. Am I enough of a mother for my child? am I enough of a woman for anyone...
My Daddy helped bring me out of that dark place tonight. I wanted to go back to old habits of releasing my inner pain in the matter of self harm. I've gone a while without self harm and I realized that today. It's nice not adding to the physical scars my body holds.
He listened, assured me how I am feeling is normal. That most parents hold in those feelings, say they are good parents when inside they may feel otherwise. I bluntly say "I am not a good mother." It maybe true or it may not be, but that is how I feel and it's hard to control it.
With me I don't feel I deserve happiness, love or anything really. It is a mind set I can't control and because of those feelings I have allowed myself to be mistreated for years. Until Daddy. I know I am a handful for him. My issues and problems are piled high and they don't discourage him at all. He loves me, He shows me its okay to feel bad. He shows me that I am loved, I am important and most importantly he shows me how a man should treat me.Just video chatting and seeing his face pulls me from my dark places. My head on his chest is my home, my safe haven. His arms wrapped around me is like a shield from the outside world. He takes care of me and I take care of him. I love asking about his day and hearing how it went, whether good or bad. I love rubbing his shoulders when he is stressed. Also, having those massages turn naughty is always fun. Giving him home cooked meals, even just cleaning for him so it is one less thing he needs to do. The ways I help care for him are in no way near what he does for me but I know that I can always make him feel important, loved and needed when I serve him the way I do. Also, the stuffies he gets me comfort me when he is not here.