On the 11th I flew to Seattle to begin my 16 days with Daddy. I've had a lot of mixed emotions about this trip.
1. Being away from my daughter for so long.
2. Being with Daddy! This would make the longest trip we have spent together at once!
Lord knows my emotions are always just all over the place. This week has been exceptionally hard. Tuesday marked 13 years since my mother passed away. She was my best friend and these last few months I really needed my mom next to me. I'm glad I wasn't alone, Daddy worked from home that day and other then a really hard, ugly cry that morning I think I did pretty well. She would have loved these last few days in Seattle with all the snow.
This visit to Seattle Daddy and I wanted to start getting the play room together. WE DID! I love it! Of course it was difficult to place things that really were not in my best interest... and the "kitty" In me really just wanted to hide them...or burn them. However, I have somewhat learned that whatever implement or toy I hide....Daddy uses on me until I have learned my lesson.
The first night Daddy and I played in the play room....he did new things to me. Lets just say, little girl spankings have taken on a WHOLE new meaning! Daddy made the evening so wonderful. He pushed me to finish many many more times then I am use to. 3x over his lap, 1x with a wand and 6x with him inside me. That's my favorite, when Daddy is inside me. It's the best reward!
So far in the 5 days I have been here it has not been all rainbows and sunshine. Last night, I had hurt Daddy. Really bad. I don't know what I had said (because I can't remember and he wont tell me in full detail) but it was bad.
I have been slowly figuring out what my triggers are. So far, I have found 3. My daughter, programming and...her. My therapist says that these episodes are because my mind has put up a mental block, (conditioning) to protect myself from traumatic memories. I don't think that's accurate. When something triggers me, I go back to that moment. The weekend I went into the hospital. I remember everything from smells, sounds to what I said to people and what others said to me. All my emotions from those days come and hit me like a rocket ship and I feel like I can't breathe.
I'm pretty sure I have some idea of what I said last night. I know my feelings about that weekend. I know the anger, betrayal and pain I still feel from everything that happened. I don't want to slip into these moods where I become this demon and spit fire, that's not who I am. I don't want to hurt from that anymore. I want to move passed it and be really, truly happy in life and with Daddy.
All the pain and despair I feel over that weekend will never compare to how I feel today. How I caused someone I love so much so much pain last night. The one person who loves me even with all my craziness. I don't deserve him, that I know for sure. I really wish my mind could just be normal and simple so Daddy and I didn't have to go through these downs.
5 out of 16 days done. I really just hope the rest of my time here with Daddy goes so much better.