Have you ever felt like something was too good to be true? That feeling of impending doom just because that's the way the world has always worked for you? Mostly it's your psyche messing with you....but it's there.
I have been dealing with these thoughts for several days now...and I'm hoping if I tell everyone the why maybe I can work it out in my mind and it will stop!!!! I have never had a healthy male relationship in my life...every single one has failed me in some way shape form or fashion. My father gave up rights to me when I was very young so he didn't have to pay anymore, stepdad #1 beat my mother, stepdad #2 didn't want me so he degraded me at every opportunity, husband #1 hit and cheated and then finally husband #2 was a roommate who help pay the bills (thats it) oh yeah and cheated. So my track record with males is really really shaky.
This brings you to what happens in my mind after all of this....with all of these opportunities for someone to love me and they didn't...surely something is wrong with me? Maybe I did something wrong....was I not pretty enough? skinny enough? make enough money? make too much money? not good in bed? too aggressive? not aggressive enough? Well...you get the picture.....and for the past several years I had resound myself to not care about these things....I built up my self esteem and put all of these things in the past....and I have manuvered through different men since then without even thinking about these things. I have kept men at arms distance....and never let myself feel like I do now.
Then He comes along...my One. I fall head over heels, ready to change my world and become his...in love with this man. And I will be damned that those damn thoughts came right back?!?!? Is it because I am so afraid of losing him? Or am I afraid of what it will do to me if he fails me too? Maybe it's both.
I'm trying so hard to relax and just let what happens happen....but little things happen that make it all play in my head...that evil little bitch voice that says "you will never be loved...you will never have the dream...your not good enough"...AND I HATE THAT BITCH!!! I want to shut it off and never hear that bitches voice in my head again!! I do deserve this...I have been waiting for this my entire life!! I have been preparing to love someone like I love him. I have been taught exactly what I DONT want in a man. And guess what....he is the ONE I have been waiting for. He is nothing like the others...NOTHING! He has treated me 1000X's better in our first month than I have ever been treated in my life.
He has never given me a reason not to trust him...even when there have been outside forces trying to pull me the other way...or pull him....he has not strayed from me. The amount of time he focuses on me even as he is away is amazing...and makes me feel so special...I can't even explain. He has included me in very personal conversations and pulled me into his world on every turn...which just makes me fall deeper in love with him. He pulls emotions out of me that I didn't even realize I had...and I believe as I submit myself further and as he guides us to our perfect D/S bond...my admiration and love for him will grow deeper and deeper.
This is what is should be....and everything that happened in my life should have happened...it has led me here. Even with all of my experiences...I am grateful to begin this wonderful and new life he is giving me...but I am most grateful the he has chosen me.
See...that does make me feel better....I worked it out in my head as I wrote.
Its getting closer to him coming home...and the anticipation of it all is so exhilarating. My body aches for him...for his touch, his kiss, his body moving with mine...to have him inside of me completing my body's rhythm...making the world right again. But more than that...I need to be connecting with him in person so I can be the best for him in all aspects of his life...and mine.
4 MORE DAYS!!!
Until tomorrow....