So, some of you here know a bit about me. I know I don't talk about my relationship dynamics much. Part of the reason I don't talk about them, is they are very unorthodox. So, I will give you a peek into my world, to give some context to later part of this post.
A bit of backstory... Not really experienced with dating relationships. Grew up in the church. That created A LOT of confusion and fear with relationships. So, A year and a half ago I was finally so miserable that I decided things needed to change. I was uncomfortable in my own skin. Thought that my sexuality was shameful, or so I was programmed to believe.
A year ago, I began to make peace with my sexuality. And, embraced the fact that I was kinky... Whatever that means. Fast forward to now. I am polyamorous. I am in relationships of various degrees. I have a main or "primary" relationship. That is with someone long distance. My primary has been so supportive in my journey. I am partially as bold as I am, because he has my back. He knows the abuse I've walked out of, and just wants me to finally be happy. He fights for my happiness sometimes when I personally don't have the strength too. He is one of my biggest cheerleaders.
There are also 6 other people in my life that are at different levels of connection. I love them all dearly. Would give anything for them. They all know that. They have made my life so rich. In comparison I'm a very, very, far stretch from where I was a year and a half ago.
So, I went from zero to 7 relationships in a matter of a year and a half. That brings us to today...Valentines Day. I have never really had a Valentine up to this point. Never really worried about it either. This year I had no expectations. My relationships are so open, there is no hint of traditional to them. I was sort of shocked when my primary, who lives in another country, sent me a text saying Happy Valentine's Day. A pleasant surprise. It put a giant smile on my face. The next morning I woke up to a "Happy Valentine's" from another one of my sweet connections, and others throughout the day. Any normal person would be over the moon to have a Valentine. Let alone multiples.
This all jarred me into a headspace of questioning. Questioning if I'm being cruel to these people I love so much. And, wondering if I deserve all these wonderful people in my life. Leading to the title of this post. I was overwhelmed with the feeling of aloneness. It took me a good part of my day to put words to it. These were the words that came to me...
Sometimes when you belong to everybody it feels like you belong to nobody...
I think this all stems from the openness that I have in my connection with all these lovely souls. We are deeply connected, but it's never exclusive. In that, I create the paradigm of belonging to all and no one at the same time.
I guess them reaching out and saying Happy Valentine's Day made me acutely aware of that fact... Could they really care about me like that?... Who am I to even ask that question? To question what they continually reassure me of daily. As confident as I come across most of the time, I have these moments. Moments where I evaluate, ruthlessly, how I conduct myself in relationship.
The point I came to later in the day was one of thankfulness. Thankful for these trusting souls. So beautifully brilliant, that each are like staring at the sun. They somehow trust me with their hearts. And, I am humbled by the experience every time. So, Valentine's Day became sort of a second Thanksgiving for me of sorts.
These are some of the thoughts and questions I slog through on a daily basis. It's a painfully beautiful journey. This has been my experience my first polyamorous Valentine's Day. Bittersweet emotion, connection, introspection. I want to thank each of the special people in my life that has held space for me to experiment, fail, grow, and love. Happy Valentine's Day.
