My journey

As a child I wanted to please my parents despite my, mile wide stubborn streak, my old soul and not being satisfied with doing something if I didn't know the reason why. 

As a teen a longed for a different kind of attention, but SHY as F!!! 

...

After reflection I've realized that even as a child I was looking to BELONG to someone.

In every progressive step of belonging to someone, I was never truly happy and I know I wasn't satisfied. 

I wasn't satisfied with a boyfriend, I wanted to be a wife.

I wasn't satisfied as a wife, so we brought children into the world.

I'm not going to say I'm not satisfied with my children, I am. And I do belong to them, but not in the same ways I can belong to someone else.

I wasn't satisfied with my husband, I tried hard, so very hard, for 13 years.

I tried a different type, a Man instead of a boy. Big improvement. But it was still missing something.

When I first started reading about this lifestyle eight years ago. It was kinky and hot as hell. I talked to my partners and explained. Some added and spiced up the bedroom, which was GREAT!! 

But still they all ended and they all lacked what my soul was searching for.

I didn't think this really existed beyond books and a few kinky f'rs here and there. But after my first in person taste of it and this site ... I've found my missing aspect. 

I can't even begin to describe the depth of my longing to finally, truly belong to Him. To be owned by Him. 

To establish that bond, that trust. To know that when he expects, when he asks, when he commands ... I won't have to hesitate, question or resist. 

This is the level I want and I don't want to settle for less.

I want to offer an ear and a source for those who have questions.

I was in a committed (I thought) long distance relationship for three years. I loved this man hard, like I hadn't loved since I was a girl. 

I should have seen the writing on the wall. I didn't and I learned some very hard lessons because of that.

I was given two STD's by him. HPV, one of the strains that can cause genital warts. I got a few and had  them immediately treated by my doctor. They haven't been an issue at all in 3.5 years. And my PAP's test clear now. It took 2.5 years for my body to process the HPV and lock it down. I will always consider myself a carrier though. (BTW this is not one you can be vaccinated against) (And several doctors told me that I do not have to disclose this to sexual partners. As everyone has been exposed to a strain at some point. And not everyone has a reaction to it.) (However I chose to give full disclosure as I didn't get to choose it myself. And I don't want someone ending up without knowledge first hand from me.)

This same man was spending Father's Day weekend with me and we were trying for a baby. Within 12 hours of our last sexual encounter I became very physically sick. I was extremely sick with a sky rocketing fever. No one knew what it was until over a week later. I was on antibiotics, then ended up in the the ER with super antibiotics injected into me, all to do nothing for me. As I got sicker. I noticed tiny little painful bumps and went to a different doctor, that told me. "No. This is nothing. Just a reaction from waxing. Or fever blisters."

I kept getting sicker and despersately looking for relief and answers. I figured it out on my own and had my OBGyn confirm with testing that I had in fact been given HSV2 aka genital herpes.

I've had it for three years now. I've been thru the full range of emotions involved in this. From complete and utter horror, feeling like my life was over and I'd never date again. To finding a site for other people like me. To give full disclosure and be upfront, while also being able to date people that have it as well. (And then I had to go and throw in the wrench of needing a Dom, on top of that. Nothing about me is easy, lol.)

Now I've come full circle with accepting that it's a part of me, whether I wanted it or not. I've now been with three men who did not have HSV2, knew I had it and took the risk anyway. And all three have walked away without getting it. (This is not a guarantee. Which is why I give full up-front disclosure to potential partners from the beginning. It's even in my profile that I have an incurable STD.)

I just wanted to be a source that can answer questions or be a source of comfort for someone else who's having to go thru this. I'm also willing to answer general questions of curiosity. Knowledge is power. And I'm happy to share what I've learned. 

I want to make it clear that I'm not a casual sleep around woman. I got this from a partner that I was devoutly committed to for three years.  I have no problem with people that sleep around, that's totally their choice. No judgement from me. I just wanted to be clear that crappy things happen to good people sometimes. I just want to offer what I can to whoever wants it. 

What I didn't know was that I needed a Dom. 

By my very nature I am 100% submissive. I long to submit and please. I long to give, not hold back and trust completely. I have explained this in many different ways over the last five years to many people. But no one quite understood. In a world of new age thinking and feminist ideals, I was often left feeling odd and "born in the wrong era."

I stumbled upon this site after a Google search, lolol. I figured they have dating sites for everything else, there's got to be something out there for people that are like minded. And behold, The Cage.

After stumbling upon The Cage I also happened to stumble upon my first basic experience with a Dom in person. He actually understood to a deeper degree, than previous partners, what I was looking for. (I did not find him here, but another dating site that I am on.)

In text and phone conversations he joked with me that I would call him Daddy. I laughed and said, no. I already have a Daddy that I love, have a close connection and bond to and I don't need another one. Mines just fine and I don't have Daddy issues. 

I was both wrong and right. I have a Daddy and no Daddy issues. But during our first night I was indeed calling him Daddy. It was a little weird at first. But not for long. I loved calling him Daddy in private, as he requested. 

He commanded me in the bedroom and I LOVED that!!! He would tell me what to do, give me a few moments when needed, "to wrap my pretty little head around that." Usually for me this was turning off the voice in my head, taking a breathe, trusting in him and immediately complying. 

On occasion he would take the time to explain why, because I'd never experienced this kind of relationship before and he wanted me to know I was safe, he wasn't going to hurt me, and that I could ask a question if I didn't understand.

Often times I would cry because I lock all of my emotions up. And it completely devastated me to disappoint. I don't ever want to disappoint. There were times when I would seek him out to let him know I needed a "tune-up." I needed the physical, intimate reminder that he was in control. This also, always made me cry, but in a completely good healing way. Rarely during, but always after. It's something that I realized I need. That physical intimate bonding that he's in control and that I'm taken care of and safe.

My desire was to be collared with a descreate day collar. A physical, touchable, viewable adornment on my body. One that I would cherish as the symbol of belonging to him. One that my children, family, co-workers, etc. would see as a pretty choker. And one that would stand out and shine bright to anyone in the lifestyle.

I desire above all else to surrender completely to my Dom/Masters care. Now my quest is to find him. 

I'm going to backtrack a little and explain why I even found this lifestyle. 

Like a lot of people, 50 Shades was the initial spark/touch/taste for me. But it didn't stop there for me. 

Don't get me wrong, according to standards I'm still very "vanilla." And 50 Shades are still my second favorite book series of all time. That I've read too many times to keep track of.

Since then I've sought out more novels, all varying in intensity and levels of Dominance. Mentally I tried to play it off as just a sexual curiosity. An itch that needed to be scratched, experienced and then discarded as "not for me."

I'm a mature, independent, self controlled, respectable woman. I'm a mother to five amazing children. And in no way will I let a Man rule over me, about anything. Because we are equals, damn it! 

Oh how wrong I was ...

First I had to go thru a divorce and nasty divorce issues, etc. Before the divorce I realized that I had no clue who I was anymore. I had to go on a personal journey of self discovery. I found her, I fell in love with her and I'm not letting her get lost again. She's beautiful and magical. She's what boys chase and what men try to claim. 

A few men layed claim to her but could never capture her entirely. She doesn't have time for boys. For a long time she thought something was wrong with her. She kept looking and searching. She kept putting herself out there, placing her heart in hands that she thought were capable.

But what I didn't know was ...