Hello everyone, i decided to write this partially as a self therapeutic measure and maybe some people can relate and will feel some solidarity in reading this.
So i don't know what to call it, im not trans, but i desperately want to be indistinguishable from a woman (im male btw). I work hard on makeup, outfits and self-care. Basically i would love to be a "trap" but without any desire to actually trap anyone haha.
Well today, i took a pretty big mental hit. My wife surprised me and bought me two new dresses today! I was very excited to try them on even though i am always very worried about how my (moderately attractive) male form will look in a dress clearly made to accentuate the female form.
I tried the first one (my favortie of the two) on. I couldn't zip it because of my shoulders. I felt embarassed and masculine. I set that aside and decided to try the other. That one fits. I was a little releieved. I looked at myself in the mirror and i saw what i am always afraid to see. Instead of feminine and cute, i saw the awkward frame of a man wearing a dress. My shoulders were really apparent and there was lose fabric on my chest (for obvious reasons). I was disheartened, but i pressed on. I decided to do my makeup and nails. I was happy because i think i am still improving and i used no makeup tutorials to help me this time. Indecided to gather all my courage to get my picture taken, originally planning to show it here.
Sadly, i saw the same awkward look in the picture as i did in the mirror... i wanted to cry. I felt hopelessly masculin, and all my other insecurites hit me at once. I worry that i will never be as cute as i want, that all my diet and exercise is futile, that im getting old and i will never be pretty... I actually took a depression nap soon after.
It took me a while, but i started to see things normal again. I removed the dress and put on my favorite night shirt. I started talking to friends and i began to feel like myself again. Im not giving up, i do need to accept that i may never fit the image that i have in my head, but that i can still be happy. The most important thing in life isn't looking good in dresses, doing cute makeup or having gorgeous hair. The most important thing are the friends we have and the people we help. I will enjoy what i can and do the best i can to accept the things i can not change. Thank you for anyone who listened to/read through this. I hope you are loving yourself and others 💜
