Kitten's Enthsiastic Articles

It's pretty quiet here, occasionally I'll hear a faint hum of someone's tv, idle chit chat down the hallway or someone's small doggy

Other than that it's rather quiet, peaceful and not much to bother me

I don't miss the loud as fuck hand dryer from the shelter nor the slamming of lockers

It's oddly quiet and I'm not sure what to think about that.. 

I did finally order my air mattress and will get that over the weekend, and a four foot teddy bear cause I can lmao. 

I get paid weekly and occasional over time so little by little I'll make this apartment a cozy home

Doing laundry today, the machine was pretty simple to figure out

Today at work though, I had someone hit on me and ask for my number

He was way too eager and probably just wanted to smash which I'm not about that

But it made me question, am I pretty? 

I mean I know I'm cute and I have curves and lost like 20 lbs but.. I've had 3 different hot guys tell me my eyes are pretty or asking if I had a man and it's like no? I'm working on myself? 

Some coworkers joked saying I should of let myself have fun

But sex without love and devotion feels empty and useless to me

I'm still someone who needs a connection before sex and wants to only have sex with the one I'm devoted to

I'm still healing tho.. 

I heard a saying "heal your wounds so they don't bleed onto others"

I say fully aware that I ran out of lexopro and had to move my mental health appointment to the end of April

(Shhhhh, if the sadists don't find out I'm playing hookie, what's the harm) haha.... 

... And I was supposed to have a therapy zoom call at some point but haven't bothered cause I haven't felt I really need anything? 

I feel mostly stable, a bit sad and bored but nothing major

... I say as if I didn't eat just rice and tuna last week and picked this week for soup because I feel so utterly lazy and don't wanna bother with the stove

I'll get better groceries soon, just trying to get used to everything again and ya fine, I am burned out emotionally

... And worked 49 hours.. 

Usually it's 32 to 36 but we had someone walk out so we all got extra hours.. 

I did finally get myself a pillow so at least I'm not sleeping on a stiff towel anymore

I'll have an air mattress, actual pillows, blankets and a teddy bear by the weekend

Just gotta be comfy until then.. 

.. And okay fine if someone wants to yank me for playing frogger today and almost losing, you can lmao... 

To be fair I genuinely did look both ways before crossing the street today and I was in the clear but then there was a van and they honked at me but I'm fine and carried on with my shopping

But given that intersection is a mess, ya, I'm done with that.. 

I just really didn't wanna bother with Walmart today so I waddled over to dollar tree instead

.. And ya next time I'll Uber

Oh ya, speaking of uber, between using that and the bus system, I have found pros and cons of both

Uber is usually 13 bucks, today they wanted 50. I said fuck that and waddled my happy ass up to the bus stop

Ya I was 15 mins late to work but my boss let me stay an extra hour and he's understanding since half his staff also uses the bus or walks there. So no biggie there

As for how I feel about the job, I actually don't mind the gas station.. They treat me right and customers really appreciate how bubbly I am.. 

They said I have a good work ethic but I'm just cleaning all the time cause I'm bored and there's several hours we don't have anything to do or anyone there? 

I saw one customer with an eternity collar a few weeks back.. I instantly smiled, over joyed they may have found their person and told them to take it easy in the snowy weather we had prior.. 

As for the neighbors, met a couple, it's mostly just elderly or disabled folks or others with ptsd like me who needed somewhere quiet to live

That's all I have for now. 

Been here a few days

It's quiet... Little hums of neighbor's tvs or one tiny doggy, not much noise beyond that

I don't miss the slamming of locker doors

I don't miss the loud as fuck hand dryer

I'm overjoyed I have a bathtub again

So far I was given a couch, a little dining table and two chairs, a microwave and some dishes

I got 3 blankets too which is cozy

Sleeping on the couch has been really nice

It's a nice couch

The shelter beds were really firm futon type things, not very comfortable

The couch is soft and I sink a little and cuddle into it and it's nice

The weather here has been all over the place

Hot one day, snow the next, tornado warnings, wind from hell etc

Used the public bus system I was trying my hardest to avoid using

The good news, it did get me from point a to point b a couple times

The bad news

You feel every pot hole

It is the bumpiest thing known to mankind

It made me 15 to 20 mins late to work

There's no seat belts and you're josseled around like hell

.... Ya, not really something I would recommend.. 

I still gotta use it a little as I got stuck in between pay days

Just 2 more days to go then I'll be fine

Thankfully my boss has been cool and understanding about everything lately

But I guess I'll confess that ya, getting the apartment kinda took everything for a second, in paid weekly so it's not a big deal but oof

So yea I'm living off rice bowls, ravioli and canned meat, but I have had juice and veggies for several meals so I'm trying haha.. 

The oats were too expensive here and I didn't really wanna live off oatmeal lmao

But I've been making snazzy rice bowls for cheap so I'm trying to make sure I'm alright

And I'll get real groceries once pay day lands

Lately I've been better about taking my meds and doing my skin care

Even took care of my feet

I can tell I lost a lot of weight though.. 

My curves are extremely pointy and my thighs got thinner. 

I know I was like 315 lbs at some point last year, then 305 lbs, then 295 lbs, then 285 lbs so I think I'm like 275 lbs ish currently? I'll have to get a scale and see... 

Between last may and now... It's been a lot.. 

My brain lately feels like

Last May feels like it happened 6 months ago

Living 6 months at mom's feels like it never happened

Living 3 months at a shelter felt like 3 weeks

And honestly.. I feel like I was fake living at the shelter... Like some days it felt obvious I was acting and wearing a mask and other days felt genuine.. But the "friends" I made... Were we even friends? It felt shallow and surface level even coming from me, no real deep connections.. Everyone was like oh you gotta visit some time or invite me for dinner and I was like haha ya....... Probably never gunna actually happen.. Others are like, give yourself time, you'll make friends.. And I'm just.. Over it?... I'm still healing from bs, and grieving things and I feel like I'm being a rude person by not wanting to make friends... I want to but I'm so exhausted and burned still that I genuinely can't right now.. I wish Arkansas never happened..

Getting therapy twice a week for anxiety, depression, cptsd 

Getting meds for my mental health issues

Treated like a person who's real and actually matters

Just got a job secured

Start that in a couple days

Weekend shifts but roughly 865$ a month

I can fix things slowly with that

Got health insurance coverage

All the things I needed to fix, are actually getting fixed here... And no one thinks I'm stupid, no one is screaming at me, no one is demanding I work from home, no one is demanding money that doesn't belong to them, no one is snooping my bank account, no one is saying give me money or out you go

People ask how I'm doing

People ask if I tried this job and that

People ask me what I wanna have a career in

People ask me what makes me happy

People ask me what motivates me

People ask me if we can color stuff together or hang out and walk to the dollar store up the road

People treat me like a person

Something my family and ex boyfriend never did or completely failed to continue to do

It's sad but running to a shelter was the best decision I've ever made.. 

It's helping put my life back together.. 

In real lasting ways. 

I wrote something for my ex for therapy sake

It's mostly just venting and clearing the cobwebs

--------

I believed in you

-

Because for the first time, I thought you were my plan A, I thought I could trust you, I thought we would have children, I thought we would grow old together, the part of me that loved you, she loved you with her entire heart, but you never cared from the start, I'm still grieving the future lost, the belongings, the emotional and psychological trauma, the me who you almost made homeless and left for dead

Did those nights I held you when you cried mean nothing?
Did I also mean nothing?
Did those dates mean nothing?
Of course not, why would they
It's silly to trust the person you love and see a future with right?
I guess I was silly then
For trusting someone to be a father to children, go grow old with someone by my side who I thought was my best friend
I know you don't care
You never did
You were so convinced I would hate you
I tried my hardest to hate you
But it never lasted because that hopeless romantic still cared about you
But now?
I don't hate you
But you're dead to me
I only feel that way about 3 people
It's not hate
It's an emptiness where the romance used to be
Like a wilted dried out rose, it's just dead now
But you probably don't care about that either
You're a piece of shit narcissist who nearly stole my future and life from me
I nearly went bye bye at the end of everything...
But you wouldn't care
You'd probably blame me for it
Or you'd play the victim and say how you're the worst person ever
Ya well
Maybe you are
I always said you weren't but you frankly rivaled my psychopath of a dad so no. You are the worst piece of shit I've ever had the displeasure of knowing
You dismantled my sanity, my ability to make friends and new relationships
You were never a Prince
You were never a Master
You were never a good person
You were and are a piece of shit

It's been about 130 days since everything fell apart and I still have 7 to 10 years of extensive therapy I'll need to undo all the damage that you did

Thanks asshole

Cause I totally wanted to be psychologically struggling in my 40s

I believed in you
I believed in our future
I believed in the happiest I was trying to create
But you never did
And now that girl that loved you? You're dead to her and it's never going to change
Because once someone is dead to me
It's a permanent mental lock
But you don't care
You'll never realize who you lost
You'll just continue to use and hurt those who love you
What a pathetic existence you decided to live
You don't get my empathy, sympathy or pity, you get nothing but my silence

I guess I was missed a bit, it's cute knowing how much people genuinely care on this site, I guess people noticed when I disappeared for a minute. (To the sadist community at large, hi sweetie, I'm okay, pls chill, y'all are too damn adorable istfg) 

What was I up to you're probably wondering, honestly not much, tried getting a new job, that was a shit show in less than 9 days so looking for a new job again (at least I was only there like a week so no biggie) 

How is my mental health? Surprisingly, a lot better than this time last year, I think it's cause I got sick (pesky virus played tag you're it and been sick for about 8 days now) 

(And yes I was a good girl™ and stayed home while sick and did my best to take care of myself and yes I tried my best with eating healthy and drinking water, don't y'all start lmao) 

Still fighting the dumb virus but just kinda chilling at home and resting off and on, was debating what to write in the future (I admit I got sorta shy cause everyone was nice to me on here and I got shy lmao) 

But ya, figured a little update was probably needed since I could tell several have been lurking or wanting to check on me (none of you dorks are subtle god, but it's so goddamn adorable)

The sadist community - "fear us cause we're evil and smart and blah blah psychology nerds blah blah"

Also the sadist community "sweetie are you okay ??? We love you ?" 

Like I can't get over how cute you dorks are. 

(You idiots made me blush so I totally reserve the right to do it right back haha) 

But really, thank you to everyone who's been checking on me or was worried, I'm okay, mostly, minus the head cold and slight work drama but I'm a tough kitty! I'll be okay! We got 9 lives for a reason!! ??

That might sound blunt and demanding, but after the morning I had today, I am left utterly bewildered and confused

Two friends who are extremely deserving of gifts and nice things told me they either never get gifts or rarely get gifts, I was baffled and so utterly confused when to me, it's perfect logic and totally deserved as they're good people who absolutely deserved the Christmas gifts I gave them today

My heart honestly broke for them both when they both said the same things.. 

I don't understand.. 

I know people can be terrible but goddamn

Please, if you have someone in your life who is deserving of gifts, get them something, it doesn't even have to be something big, even the smallest gift can mean the world to someone

Is someone in your life ignored? Over looked? Taken for granted? Treated badly? Be kind this holiday season, it's still important and still needed. 

I'm still in shock that my friends aren't regularly appreciated in their lives

Don't let yours go unappreciated either. 

Just felt sentimental and like leaving them a bread crumb in case they ever see this or wanna say hi again some day

Sir Cammy : Hello Sir, I gotta admit, I didn't... Exactly stay the proper kitten you left me as.. Life was a mess when you found me and then kinda got worse when you left, I don't blame you nor hold it against you, I truly hope you graduated college.. I'm doing my best to take care of myself at least but ya, even by my writing, you can probably tell the high protocol and way you left me didn't stick entirely, but I still try to mind my manners and be polite more often than not. Also, yes, I did finally move away from my parents and all that drama, moved several states away lmao. The things you did for me, the safety you gave me, the education, everything, all of it, they're still invaluable things I cherish deeply. 

Sir Black : Heya,... Forever still wondering what happened that one day with "Kitty" cause I am probably gunna wonder that for years haha. As for the expectations you left me with.... Okay ya they uh... Didn't really reach them.. But ya know.. I try to live healthy and safely as much as I can.. It's not always easy but I'm trying.. Ps, I still think your tummy is cute. ♡

Sir Ash : I miss your hugs, you gave the best hugs and I miss cuddling you but I truly hope your life got better

Sir Johnny : You told me you still felt that even after all these years that my happiness and safety was a priority for you... Andy eventually tried to get in contact with me again and I blocked him after like a day of talking for one final time, I know you'll probably scold me for even talking to him but I was curious but ya. I won't forget how you went out of your way to warn me and try to keep me safe even if I wasn't your kitten anymore and hadn't been for years. I still appreciate what you did for me. 

It's been some years and I can't remember all my past owners because of trauma and memory issues but if I missed anyone (cause I know I'm missing a few) 

Just know I probably still appreciate you and still have fond memories even if I can't totally remember everything

Love - Mittens / Shadow etc (I don't even remember all my given names lmao)